30 Dec 12

And so...

Well, don't really wanna share anything at all. But that when I have the most to share. Ironic but true.

Alright, perhaps just gave Nic a brief insight into stuff. 6 months is a long time, many things happened during that period and I was given the privilege to clarify the events with the him yet at the same time making myself vulnerable. Technically, I'm holding back my tears.

Gosh, I think a lot right now. Was asked to think of something to give thanks. By right, we scan through the milestones in the year to find something to say. So guess what I found!! Nothing!! Nothing big at happened to me this year was happy, joyful to be about. Not even my birthday. But there would be things to give thanks for. Small things, minor things.

I remember blogging if the one word to summarize my year. I won't repeat, I seldom do. At most, strike 3 and you are out. Find it yourself if you want. Then again, that sounds so much like me. The guy who has played his cards very closely to his chest, but not very carefully. I thought about it, I might not explicitly talked about the events that that happened daily, monthly but I have dropped hints perhaps to one person or different people. The route to discovering the mystery awaits you, the answer will never come out from my mouth though. You may dream on that happening. Then again, not many can recall what I said in January, although I do, even if so, many don't take note sweeping it off as nonsense.. :)

I love mind-games.

If you are intrigued and wanna find out, let the game begin. May the odds be with you. The path to the truth isn't easy. The not alert and sharp ones will not make it.

Under the Floodlights

Life can change in an instance. A sentence I heard today recently.

Perhaps its true, and well, it is. What makes you so sure you will wake up tomorrow? Get to see the people you love, spend time with them? You never know, perhaps the best thing that could happen to you just turned into a nightmare in a blink of an eye.

As much of my world has regain momentum and I am back to my always going out life, I managed to get some much needed alone time on the way back to Yew Tee. Surprised? Cause I made sure I was home for 3 days to rest? Ya, I'm surprised to. I didn't think much in those 3 days. I was too burnt to. So a full moon to accompany me when I was feeling "lonely". Thought maybe I could turn into a werewolf or something, oh well, dreams are dreams aren't they? Dreams are dreams, aren't they.

Some mistakes that have been committed are done, can't turn back time as much as I wish. So the consequence, I have to live with it as painful and tortuous it is. And the dream remains a dream.

But I can't continue like this. I choose to be joyful and I shall.

Updates?? Hm.. Updates. Well, Friday was pretty crazy since I was already sleep-deprived staying overnight at Yew Tee gaming then went to play a soccer match later on without food. Nice combo there, my friend. It was like a Combo courting death and later on the match, it really felt like so.

Not going to comment much on it, I did what I do best, dribble like a snake which makes people look like a fool and be super efficient doing so like dribbling the ball from one end to another. Scored 2 goals, got a few injuries, run my socks off, but it was enjoyable to tick something off my wish list. To play a soccer match under floodlights.

Again, I had the full moon to accompany me. Looking at it somehow spurs me on to continue running, until I had difficulty breathing because...

So yup. Pic or Video? Pic bah. Always video.

Thrown into Impromptu

Hi all,

And so it happens again.

Amazingly, this whole week has been a spontaneous, heart stopping week. Why? Simply because I have been literally thrown into the water and asked to swim! Like what?!

For example. On Sunday, it was suppose to be me making my re-appearance on serving on Sunday.

By right, it was hard enough because I have been flying about that I didn't have the time to faithfully practice the piano. Also, the day before was CHRISTmas@D.I. which I had a responsibility to oversee the operations and made sure a relatively good job was done. As the event ended and I could only leave at near 11pm and reach home super late, which meant no extra practice time. Then I overslept the next morning, which was brilliant cause not only could I not practice, but had to burn $$. In addition to that, Lefa and I were the only ones playing. This meant that any one mistake is amplified as there is almost no one to cover your back for you. So fingers crossed. And I thought maybe things wouldn't be so bad as I was getting the feel and beginning to believe.

Then the whole set got impromptu changed just before the service started. So all I had practiced for was going down the drain. At least it didn't cause Orchard Road to flood again. But changing was not the worse part. The worse was I did not know what the set was changed to?! I was like a blur sotong trying to play my ear. :(

By right, I sound like I am whining, but by left, it was interesting. I probably don't ever want that to happen, but it had me on my toes. I wasn't able to feel complacent with my skill level and a hint that I should practice all the 300+ songs in the WAC Songbook :/ Its an experience I could do without but may aid my development in future...

Then on Wednesday, again, I got thrown into the water. Well, it usually starts with a mishap, then the situation causes a ripple effect and I get involved. So now, on wednesday. Again, I couldn't prepare myself. Who would expect to be called upon to play the guitar when I am suppose to be a keyboardist? Logic much? In addition, I have yet to touch the guitar since the first week of A'levels. Thats like 5 Nov?! My fingers have grown used to being soft. So to play the guitar after such a long break was going to be tough as my fingers would be hurting real bad pressing the strings. Also, I can't do smooth transition after not practicing for so long. Hence, was a bit messy. Never led nor asked to come out with a set before until today. But I skipped one level. I went into come out with a set on the spot. :O

Yet, it was amazing. I just saw the song and decided I will be slightly more comfortable playing them. It seemed to have the theme love. A theme that really seems to be the Rhema word. Love.

Also, lesson to be learnt. Be prepared. Anything can happen 0.0!!

Another lesson which is more practical, and that takes a while to digest is that God uses those who are available. Since I reached at 5.30 to open the door for Honour. I was available and present and then used. Availability.

Then again, I don't know what to think of with all these impromptu acts that have affected me. A lot of first within this few days and perhaps this means I am been prepared to slowly going to take up a lot more responsibility? Dk why God has been throwing me into the water as of late. Sure has a plan, but I too blur to figure out :/

Stand Up For Our Singapore

Really wished I could be at "Stand Up for Our Singapore" today.

Stand Up for Our Singapore This Christmas! from Big Red Button on Vimeo.

But haizz.. Was wanted home, to paint the house simply cause I lost to my dad in bowling :( Lose bet lah :( Haizz.. 

Well, turns out I back to sleep again, and woke up at 5+pm.. Been sleeping a lot lately, because I have been worn out. I have given myself until Wednesday to recuperate. Hope its long enough :/ If not, I just gotta survive cause I have agreed to more stuff again. But its my holidays, of course I should be spending more time with people.

LLD.

Well, I am enjoying a day fully at home today!! Thats actually just consisted of me sleeping and eating. Literally! I woke up ate, then fell back asleep again. By my principles, that is a very unproductive day but I think I really needed it.

I have no idea what to blog actually, so much to say, its rather hard to say it on a blog. Maybe I would tell someone in person if I will be spending a lot of time with someone and they ask.. Hmm...

But say something now lah..

So.... Loved Locked Down was... quite interesting. Cannot pin-point nor know how to explain. It was a unique experience as I was seemingly very involved and then again not very involved in it. Unique, it don't know what to say..

Maybe some pictures will tell you I did enjoy myself, but was very drained from it.

Ok, it was just one. All the pics are on FB. 959 people know it! That because I have access to D.I. fanpage and can see viewership! LOL... (Look at person in the centre and realize she spells the word, "LOL")

Kk, Blessed Christmas to all :) Be kind to all yea! :)




But before I sign off. I always watch this during Christmas. Although the season dosn't fit the video...

CHRISTmas is Coming

CHRISTmas @ D.I. is tomorrow.

Actually, have much to talk about. Life has been very eventful. Hoping to use the word rather eventful in future when things slow down for me.

But I have no time, I got music prac, and CHRISTmas to look forward and take charge. I'm tired, no denying it.

LLD was..
Prayer meeting with Denny was..
Soccer was...
Driving was...
So many things was... and the list can go on. What happen to piecing the puzzle bro?

Oh well, Laska!! ^^

Just since I spent so much time listening to song.. :D

Youtube 2012

The re-mix of all the top trending videos are funny and nice.

Exams in Lala-Land

(This is an imaginary story of a professional boxer. Wanted to use a war setting but I have done so before...)

*Ring.. Ring*

Narrates: He reluctantly picks up his phone and thinks to himself, "What now??" It is his agent...

"Hello?"

"Hello my boy!! I have good news for you! I have managed to organize a match with Manny in LA!! This could be life changing and bring you career to greater heights!!"

"Wow!!", he replies. (Trying to sound hyped up for it as somewhere deep down in his heart, he hears his heart whisper, "I have heard his before..")

He then hangs down the call. "Well, looks like I have to start training again..... But first, I need to pull my act together and start believing again."

Narrates: And yes, he does. Having beaten Mayweather before. He thought that was it. He thought the floodgates had opened and his career would flourish. He really believed that it would be life-changing!! Sadly, it has been anything but that. Losing to weaker opponents has dampen his confidence. He is now broken. Why you ask? Well, he is a fighter and has been fighting crippled. With emotional pain, physical pain and etc.. Lady luck has not been on his side, but he has been fighting with all these pain all the way. However, it has reached that point that he doesn't want to do it no more. To give it up, to quit and turn his back on his love.

Scene 2:

*Punching the punching bag*

"ARGH!!" He vents his frustration. The words, "I will fight on. Fight on," rings in his head.

His agent then walks in! "My boy how are you? You seem rather out of sort lately...

(This was the chance!! But he chose not to talk..)

"Nah, I just need to get my head in the game..."

"Yea! You need to! This challenge is huge and life-changing man!! "

"Yea, I need time.." he replies, heading back to the punching bag and dishes out a fury them.

His agents looks on for a while before heading for the exit. As he walks back facing his client, the boxer looks in his direction. Knowing that his agents cares, but he just does not know what to do. He then turns back to the punching and punches it in frustration. "Why?!", raging and releasing the frustration he feels towards himself. 

Scene 3:

Slowly, he begins getting his rhythm and finding his groove. Although its slightly behind time, its better late than never. As he begins to prepare, he slowly walks into isolation and he mentally prepares himself for a fight that would him a run for his money.

As he prepares, his agent watches on and smiles watching him getting into his groove. However, he is the only one smiling. The boxer, is still struggling, not as much as before, but he still is, with eyes fixed on the punching bag and a mind that is focused.

And so, the day soon arrives as he prepares....

Scene 4:

*Crowd cheers*

The sound "Wooooooo..." can be heard even in his dressing room, and wow, is it making him nervous. The day he been waiting and working for has arrived, with its fair share of butterflies. Its mind-blowing to know that the thing you have been working for all these while has boiled down to this.

Then he hears his theme song playing, and his mind immediately goes into, "show-time, baby."

As he walks towards the ring, he hears the chanting of his name and encouragement. The butterflies increase every step, slowly but surely, the nerves are setting in.

Once each is at their corners, the announcers makes the standard announcement, "On my left, is Manny and your right is ...."

And the bell rings...

Round 1: 

The boxer starts strong, recovering fast from a wild punch that was dished out. The first few bout seem even with nothing much separating the 2 sides. But the superior technique from the opposition was evident, having made so many boxers his victim, Manny was really going strong and the next few rounds it felt like the bout was slowly but surely moving into his advantage.

But the boxer didn't give up. Although throughout each round, the thought of its almost over. "Just give up' creep into his mind. Hearing that voice, looking around your circumstances, around the ring, hearing the supporters cheering for Manny so loudly, seeing the worried look on his agent face, and the poker faces of the judges. That mixture of anxiety, stress, fear and pain is not a good potion to swallow.

Don't ask me how he did it or why he didn't give up. Perhaps he felt the sacrifices he made was too much to accept defeat so easily. That the pain he went through had to come to something that he could not leave empty-handed, that this has become "Do or Die".

As the battle prolonged, fatigue and tiredness was setting it. The bout got harder and harder for the boxer. There was even a point he almost wanted out, wanted to quit and give up on the bout. Even though Manny also got tired, the boxer seems to be in a worse of position and state as it wore on..

But the battle hasn't ended, we shall see. Let wait for part 2 to happen.. 

Busy in December?

Serve the Lord in joy, giving what we are able to at the best of our ability..

Well, thats the lines I am repeating to myself. Been busy as of late, and feeling really easily irritated at times. I don't like myself to be irritated, or enter that mode. I prefer to restrain from such a mode.

But honestly, isn't it December. Its a month for holidays. A month to play and enjoy. A month for this A'level kid to spend some time at home just nua-ing (You have no idea how long since I have been able to do so..) A month to spend time with people whom I neglected as I went into exile to prepare for a P.M.E nightmare.

And wow, did I not know how much I have neglected people. Its like everyday I am out of the house. Going shopping, play bowling, watch movie, go chalet, go play pool, and go play soccer (Wah, everyday sure will tio jio-ed on this)

Then coupled with so many other commitments and volunteer work, I may be burnt in December. Oh, the irony. Then it brings me to ponder, what are my priorities... What and who is more important? Being so busy, traveling here and there, my world hasn't slowed down! But this is different busy from the past few months! I have neglected so much as I agree to so much. Then why do I agree? Perhaps cause I have disappeared but have re-appeared,and decided to spend time with people to catch up.

God, help me to re-arrange my priorities again and seek rest and strength from you.

LLD camp is in 2 days time! Which means you gotta be excited, while I need to get down to work and start practicing and staying home more often!!

Never been better..

Havent finished my story post. Sry, that its taking a while.... Sry.... In the meantime..

Thanksgiving Day 2012

Well. Just watched X-factor USA and I teared. Like literally, got something watery below my right eye or eyes since some say I have eye bags!

Grr. I broke my code 3 of 'In Exams' but that doesn't mean I will throw it out. I ain't going to be moved, emotion shall be suppressed as long as As is concern. It has been like this, it will remain as it has been.

But since "The Man Who Cannot Be Moved" just got moved. I will make an exception until I awake tmr...

The show made me reflect and recall things that were around me. Things that I didn't really treasure. Things that I didn't really have the guts to chase, things that I was too foolish not to throw my face and cherish it. Now its gone.... Well, can't turn back time. Cherish what is before you then, you'll never know when they disappear..

Its so easy to remember the many things I lost this year, yet so hard to recall the beautiful moments experienced. Thats how the human mind tends to work eh. Well, still recalling... Oh well. Chao.

I Miss Me.

Well. What has this year been? Something to thing about. I don't know whether this is in the heat of the moment, but I have only one word to describe it. Misery.

Ok, was considering putting misery and mugging. That would be 2 Ms. But nah, everything could be classified under the former.

My write up on the year would explain much. But its like never going to happen, that I would tell people. Yet, I am too nice. Brief explanation.

Just yearning to smile and laugh again. Like a real wide smile, that tells a joyful me!! And a laugher! That I cannot control my laugh! Like literally ROFL! But haizz. Never got to experience that this year. Even soccer couldn't put that smile back on. How to? when you know you are worsening your physical state. It hinders the joy! Then what else is there..to bring that joy back... 😪

I miss Yue Seng :( Really do.

H.O.P.E

Well, one week passed in A'levels.

But this just came into my mind....

H.O.P.E.

Hold On, Pray Endlessly

Well, or hope could mean this for a few people. Although I felt it didn't make sense..

Dear God, I....

Daddy God, I am afraid >.<



But at the end of it all,

Isolation.

How essential is human interaction? Why do people even talk?

Questions that I have asked myself.

Everyone was made to for a reason, but notice how human interaction is important. What does it posses that makes people need them? Don't tell me you dont have human interaction. You utter a word to someone, its interaction.

I am admitting even I need interaction. Coming from a person that prefers to be a lone ranger is quite something eh! However, is human interaction really essential? Not so in my books, and now I have brought it to the extreme. In a world where smartphones are the norm, social media and connecting with friends seem like a must. I have made my iPhone into what I deem just like a Nokia, or a pager.

Why?? Challenge Accepted.

I just deleted the apps so I now have no Youtube (no more watching videos), no Facebook (No more viewing random photos and all), no Instagram (No sharing my pictures), no Twitter (no short updates on my life).. However, I got blogger?! Nah.. Its going to go soon. So into the ice-age era I shall live.

Well, I am sure thats not how things works nowadays but now with what I have done, no one can contact me, or I just will not know the existence of friends that I do not see in person much and how their lives are.

Heyhey, did I just say no one can contact me? Kinda. My phone is on 24/7 sleep mode. It will not ring if I have a message or call. So leave a message if u want to remain in contact with me. If not I will be at the place where no one will contact me.

So lets see if I can survive without human interaction unless someone leaves me a message! Haha! Then again I might take a long while to reply cause I will never know until I check my phone.

Be Still

This song got stuck in my head. Alamak!



And I am beginning to like Demi Lovato too..



But here is the most important part. There will always be those days you remember why you chose the piano, instead of any other instrument. Well, today is one.

As for updates on myself.. Hm. Still. If people remember why this is my favourite song, they would know my feelings right now...

Prelims

Hihi! 40+ more days to A'levels.

Prelims have already passed. So what are my results?

H2: 29,39,39

Quite a good intake for H2 subjects when I studied and was looking for a B-C grades. So 40 more days to maintain such grades as it seems. And sign on and my life away to NS -.-

Haizz. I am demoralized. Pretty much an understatement. I really don't know what to feel, to say, to think at all.

All it not alright. Its all bleak right now. I tried, and that makes it harder to swallow. It should be study harder. Give me a break, like I really have the morale to fight on after a landslide defeat. What about regroup fast? I have 40+ days left. Do I look like I have time to regroup. Once I regroup, I will be in the exam hall waiting for a UUU. Triplet code for an amino acid as it seems.

I am considering deleting myself from the Earth, or existence and re-emerge after 3 Dec. Delete Whatsapp, FB, Twitter, Instagram, and not pick up calls or reply SMS anymore but the most important is that I will even not be seen on the streets. Then I will spend time mugging all the way.

What about the blog? This is probably the last you will read for a very very long time.

M or S

Masochist or Sadist?

To a extent, everyone is either or. But most are both. There are some people who are a pure masochist, or a pure sadist. But I think they are rare. Most people like to inflict pain either on oneself or others. But there are boundaries to everyone's torture. Everyone probably has drawn their own lines and will not cross it just to derive more pleasure or satisfaction from it. So then what are their standards??

You don't know! Haha! Cause you may not en know them :p Teehee! But this one you should find an answer. What are your own standards? The boundaries in places, when the wall must be erected? 

Well, thats for you. However, who really thinks of such stuff? Don't point that finger at me. I will -.-... it would be unlikely that you know what you are. More of a S or a M? This was topic raised (See, I wasn't thinking about it!) and I have been labelled by my sister as a Mosochist. Would kindly love to differ, but all my arguments proved invalid either by her or by myself. I really do NOT remember her punching me in the stomach when I was very young and she said I just took the impact in. Seriously? I didn't know that! :O 


I would agree that I have grown used to pain. And have created an Abyss. Now that this Abyss slowly coming to light, people are beginning to probe into it. Some want me to get out of it, which I would hopefully before its too late. I myself would personally love to escape to, to destroy an experiment gone wrong. I can't follow Dr Kurt Connors of "The Amazing Spider-man". Got to put an end to it. Soon, and very soon. 

On the other hand, felt that I have kept it at bay really well. 2 more moths before I settle the old scores.

FYI, when to search the meaning of Masochist


Masochism:

~ the act of turning one's destructive tendencies inward or upon oneself

~ gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one'sown actions or the actions of others, especially the tendency to seek this form of gratification.

The Price

Many things can turn one's head. Freedom, money, hurts, and the list goes on...

Once heard, "There is a price to everyone's morals."

So what happens if someday, someone decides to buy out your moral. Would you give in? There may come a price too huge to refuse, too tempting to decline, too enticing not to accept. Well, its been on my mind for a while.... What is the buy-out clause for my morals?

Would I ever considering selling, giving in to the thing that I live by, to give away the thing that I hold dear, that defines me... Food for thought...

Daddy God

Daddy God had began his efforts to find his prodigal son. Trying to find him and draw him back. Yet the son still chooses to hide.

*Will do up a story soon.. Its a trailer now*

This is Music

Need to find something to update with... Shiok covers!! Or I found this guy who is zai sio!








Alright. Not only about the guitar. Lets move on to the piano.. They call themselves the PianoGuys.. LOL! But I really respect this guy in the group called Jon Schmidt! Zai sio... He composed a song at 17 years old.

  

And another zai one.. Jarrod Radnich.





Should have saved them all, and released one by one right? So can more 'updates" Haha!! Enjoy bah... There is a lot more zai stuff on youtube.

Meet up with the Sec clique

Met up with my secondary school friends earlier today. I am still digesting my thoughts, but I realized  have changed a lot and matured up way faster than some of them..

For example, I used to be known chasing and running around with Darren catching me. It was literally the norm back then, and now, I don't. Grown up le... Even though I was asked whether I wanted to relieve the old good times, I declined! Thats rare! Haha!!

Well, lets start the post proper..

I have not met these dudes for a long time.. Really long, like since December 2010!! Thats almost 1 year and 8/9 months!! In addition to that, only I entered JC from this clique..

Usually when you attend such gatherings, or reunions. You would expect people to change since that is a constant in our living world. But I got to admit I was surprised with the amount of change I saw, or managed to access.

The changes seemed mild because the main chuck of everyone's antics are still there. Peacocks remain peacocks, or almost there. Some of them still remain equally childish, are mature at a rate that I am not going at...  But they still do some funny poses or something when taking photos, like old times and all. The way they talk, still sounds the same.. Idk, the changes seemed mild.

But there are really big changes. Like in taste and preference? I never knew Perdenver could tank so much meat! YuanZheng being so close to the guys, like opposite from last time de and more.. Mindset changes. They think more, or that what they say.. Haha.. But wow, being in Poly and JC is really different. The environment is different. Guys and girls are less conservative as they age too. For them, they have so much time, they face different issues and problems from me. Its shapes them and factors the rate of maturity too. I feel so akward, as if I am so full of myself that I declare I am more matured than them. That ain't true, but I do behave more matured or it was a comment from my friend. I do not think I have attain "the" level yet, but I am close..

Its good to meet up. There will without a doubt a gap between old friend that have not been part of each other's lives.. Not as close, but its good to catch up.

P.S Like the new experimental look?

Judging?

5 days to Prelims, and I am fighting battles in the mind, heart and body.

Injured in the physical, bitterness and un-forgiveness in the heart, trying to stand my ground in the minefield (mind-field).

Well, but thats all I would say. So was this post a small update? No. I came across this pic..

It caught me by surprised. I was just swiping through pics then this appeared. So how many times have you judged a person? Well, it just takes 5 seconds to form an impression, and there you have it.. It's human nature to do so. (Have I heard this excuse being used before??) Our brains work in a way that it seeks logic, we seek to understand, we use science to find a reason, a logic behind every wonder. We seek to put things in place, to find an order than we can operate in. Its like, "Oh, she's fat. There she goes into my fat person list.." Its kinda around there, I believe. I am work in progress (sadly, so is LVP), I do compartmentalization for people that I may not know well. I judge them by their actions, by their words, and not by their God-given destiny... God, help me not to pass judgement on your creation. For it shouldn't be me acting as the judge, but you, for you are just.

"Do not look at them as what they are now, look at them as what they can be.."

Well, that would that time.. And speaking of time. Soon and very soon, Nic Lau would be back! Hohoho!! I am glad, but IDK why Shanghai now has a lot of problems. Typhoons, protest demostrations, its a city that is pretty eventful. Its unlikely we can experience such stuff in SG.. :/ Can't wait. Soon, it would  take me 40 mins to get to see him, and not wait 6 months to meet him. Wakaka.. Distance and time. The two factors that help you calculate speed.. and the two inevitable things on Earth. 

Distance, China is pretty far from Sg. I can't just pop a SMS saying, "dinner tonight?" I don't get to see him face to face, (oh gosh, He said he is fatter now! Just by how much!) I really hope I can recognise him when he returns. Nope, not by face. I am talking about character and all.... The different elements and challenges he would have faced will shape him, that same applies to me too... He has probably gotten more freedom that I have so far in my life, that is one example. Hohoho.. I have no idea what kind of storm is approaching. I know I am probably going to meet a different man in September, but I hope that doesn't kick start my journey down memory lane again on what was, and reality.

Time. The world is constantly revolving. Times are changing, we all know that. And with time,many things change. People, material possession, everything on this Earth actually. I believed I talked with sadness about the changes time has brought about.. I always end off with, even I do change... (Look at that dude! so different from the one standing in front of the mirror everyday..)

You would seek the best for the people you love, even if it means sacrificing much and then walking away...

Just want you to Know

Its hilarious. But no, I don't youtube to search old school songs. I got enough in my Itunes and Iphone.. But lets evoked old memories then..  



Now, for something emotional. Well, Pixar animations have been consistently good..

Dreaming

Can you stop a man from dreaming? No. Its his fuel of hope and purpose. Be it a God-given dream or personal one, it that dream that makes you want to take action, to see it with your own eyes. So what if you take that away from man. A man without dreams lor. So simple, but I would prefer the term a useless man. But we seldom see a useless man because that spirit of aspirations is an in-build engine within us.

I think to take away dreams, and another to see it destroyed are two separate things. It seems the same, but the product is different. One is useless because he never knew it, the other knew it, but he witness it being crushed like me crushing the chicken meat when I eat a chicken wing (have to lighten the mood a bit). So you get a man that suffered a huge setback, aimless as it seems. He will experience the pain, and understand what a dream means.

Lets pause for a while. The London 2012 are closing in 5 hours time, imagine the athletes that took part. Most of time worked hard for 4 years. They gave up so much, their social life, the craving for CHOCOLATES and fat food, their sleep, their other dreams just for a moment. Dont forget what they had to endure too.. 

Imagine a retiring athlete that has yet to achieve glory and success. This games would be his last. Its do or die. He competes and comes in fourth. Its over, he was so close yet so far. No one remembers a loser. NO ONE, this is the world. He ends off his career with  nothing. Imagine 10-20 years of hardwork for nothing. The agony that will enter his body, the pain that will consume him. Ouch. That sucks.

I ain't no Olympic athlete, but was a former athlete. I know the hardship, the pain of failure. But I wonder how sometimes they can get over the hurt. Actually, some don't. Just ask some of the US athletes. Then again, some are able to let go. 

It is a bondage and they are smart to let go. But that act in my opinion proves that that didn't mean everything to you. Alright lets continue.

 It impossible to have no dreams and aspirations. Everyone has them. It about the difficult faced achieving them. Some goals are impossible (I want to fly like Superman), some are too easy (I want to  go running). Then again, having dreams will put you in that situation will hurt that will torment you is waiting to have its first prey. Being me now, of course I rather not dream. But is it possible? Its already in-build. 

Wait, lets get this straight. Have your dreams, be it God-given or personal, chase them. If they conflict with God's will, choose the better one. Which usually is the one with more value in the long term. But be wary of them. Everything in this world is a double-edged sword.

Well, thats all. I spend 2 hours in front of this. Likeaboss. And yes, I know. I need God to minister to me. I need to dream again, without feeling pain that is. But God, can I have my desire satisfied this once? 

Hurts

What fills you?? The question that I was asked to answer...

I gave it some thought, then I came to a conclusion. The word now is hurt. Vague, yet a strong word to use. Been trying to pin-point the reason behind my self-imposed yet not self-imposed torture, and the word hurt popped up.

Everyone has been hurt haven't they? Some just dumber to allow themselves to get hurt because they jump into things without taking into consideration the long-term, while some are wiser in minimizing the hurt felt. No one can escape pain, they need to face reality, and experiencing it a bit will help. That being said, experiencing too much ain't cool. No further elaboration needed. But an addiction to it is crazy, yet realistic. #justsaying

I would admit, I am hurt. Really bad. Everything looks beak (Alright, exaggeration! Not everything, but most), hope seems slimmer than slim. And then these eyes that are reading this will wonder, "What made this guy hurt?" Sadly, the answer lies with me and me only, and when that happens, one can only dream of finding out.

"Why? :("

Perhaps hurt has something to do with it? But then again, I have been like since Sec 2. Oh gosh, thats a long time back. But its true, since my National Final heartbreak, time has made it less painful but its still an event full of regret. Then on, I never told people much...

But the hurt, its been resurfacing! When I study, it takes a random flashback. KABOOM, I put down the pen. Its over. When I am playing the piano.. KABOOM, its over. When....

Recently, I almost dreamt that it was possible. I had a dream, its was snatched and dashed. I was beginning to get to terms (just joking, if I can't even get over a ball game. You think I can get over things that might be more important that that?) then I almost dream that it was still possible. Don't raise my hope, and dash it again. I ain't as strong as I am. But I am torturing myself to get myself stronger so I can handle it. I am crazy, I know.

Yet in the mist all that, God has been saying things to me. For once, I believe that I can be the man God wants me to become. But first, the heart needs healing.

100 Days to As

A'LEVELS ARE COMING SOON!!

Alright, its not exactly tomorrow. But its 100 days more!! Haizz.. Its so close!! Getting really stressed about it!! And my results for CT2 were bad by my standards.. So far from those As and Bs.. Well.. Hope to do well, and really need to start focusing and concentrating on As.. However, I am distracted.. :/

Happy 18th

Yawns.. I am 18 already..

Well, before I start, just wanna thank my friends for making an effort to celebrate my bday. Its better than last year when I had no celebration at all.. But, nah, not point bringing up the past.

Honestly, I am in no mood to celebrate my birthday. How can my soul celebrate what is suppose to be a joyous occasion when it is downcast? Nope, I refuse to wear a mask no more.. Can't bring myself to smile..

But still, Happy birthday to me! Welcome to the world of cigarettes, clubbing, and alcohol... I won't get wasted, its ain't me.. So no fear, being 18 still makes no different. I don't not believe that age is a limiting factor!! 

Hm.. Yet, that won't stop me from making a birthday wish.

Pragmatism

Recently, D.I was given the honour to run the sunday service!! I wasn't part of it though. Thought I could just sit back and be part of the congregation.. Then on the night before (or early sunday morning), I received an sms asking if I would share a testimony about the youth. Agreed to it.. Shared, hiccuped along the way but it made people laugh.. Oh well.. But that said, I was still "slacking" but 1 July was still slightly different.

Here is the cool part. When I was playing back all my life events as I was "preparing", I was wondering why did God put me in such an environment. I have seen so many things that many kids don't get to see in their childhood. I would like to say, it was hard growing up in such an environment. It did taught how to adapt and blend in easily, and it shaped me to very pragmatic. Then after service, a few adults approached me, telling me how encouraged they were by my testimony and how they believe God has a plan for me.. At that point, it struck me that perhaps I was meant to share my story to encourage and inspire. Yet the only reason I agreed to share was because I couldn't that it no more. All the voices in my head telling me that I am a product of my past, that I am still the same guy back then. Trying to make me to return back to my old ways. I had to get it out of my system, to tell people and myself that I am not a product of my past.. I survived it amazingly, not conforming to those ways (not fully at least..)

Then later in the service. Brother Joseph talked about moving that one more step. He gave a story of his own, on how he did not rationalize God's will. I started recalling, if whether I have been guilty of rationalizing. Guess what, countless amount of times actually, I have adopted a mindset of Pragmatism. To adapt to the environment and blend in straight away, then start climbing the ladder upwards once I accomplished task 1. To be very results orientated, hence using tried and tested methods to achieve it since I have grown up in a environment where victory is not achieved is deemed as failure. I tend to rationalize those ideas that do not make sense, and then give myself an excuse not to do that something.

Forever refusing to do something nor agreeing to do something that my mind cannot comprehend as it seems :/ Well, so it really hit me that this was a area in my life I need to work on..

Here is the link to the D.I blog post on the Youth Day: http://www.destinyimpact.net/2012/07/di-takes-over-sunday-service-on-1-july.html

Not Over You

Would update my blog on Youth Service on 1st July soon.. In the meantime, a song by the 'brothers'...

Still the Same

Haizz.. Honestly, I think I have lost.. It hurts...

I have always hated losing. I was never a good loser, and seldom a gracious one. I am still learning to be one, but sometimes you just want to win and can't accept defeat. My brain has been working on what went wrong. What was the problem?? What did I do wrong? I question, I ponder, I wonder... I hate visiting my drawing board because that the board that revisit the past, revises the strategy used and tells me, "here you go, try again." But what if there is no second chance now. As it seems, that isn't I lost a battle that I put so much effort, and time, and even money into. It was a long battle, and that makes defeat all the more worse. If you are wondering what am I talking about, and wish to find out..... Don't bother, I almost never share the matters deep down in my heart. I refuse to open up to a world that is full of change.

This world has disillusion me. This world is screwed up. Nothing much has changed my view in this month. Only made it worse. My brain is pretty crazy, churning out stuff, reviewing stuff and thinking about many things. It is interesting to observe the action of people because it tell you about them. I tend to observe the actions of my friends, and its in the small action that you realize the change.Sometimes, the person does not notice the change before me. I hate it, I hate having to constantly update myself with the times, with the change. So observe the small actions. It can be as simple as observing where a person eyes looks at, their actions and their words.  Won't tell you what I have observed, but I do dislike change. Yet change is a constant, a fact that needs to be faced!! Even I do change :(

Aside from that, I realize that deep down, I still love soccer. My medals may not define me, nor how good I play. It is just that I still love soccer. I just love to play it.. That is why I decided to play even in defense. Something I have not done for a long time in the recent get together match for the J2s.. However, that said, I do not itch to kick a ball, I just enjoy kicking it...

On The Side of Me

Fell in love with this song, even though its not being a old song, during my exam period... Realize how much truth Corrinne May song actually have... Really talented and I getting blessed ...

Hunger Awakening

Is it possible for a person to impatiently wait for something, yet trusting in God"s time and plan?

Well, Yes. But my post ain't about it but it is food for thought.

Here is a short update on my what have I been up to..

Went to Church Camp. Well, something happened in the camp. Don't know what to say, but someone within me was awaken, this self that has in a subtle way been not very evident. I was becoming really hungry for teachings/ sharing / discussion that will challenge my mind. Crazy? Maybe. But the camp was good. Note how I was experiencing intensive memory flashbacks, and thinking of stuff. Well, the only thing I will take away from the camp is the messages of the Kingdom of God, and encouragement of how Rev Ng on how he is radical. Isn't that what we want too be? Radical? I really respect Rev Timothy and Rev Ng. People rarely hear me respecting people, but I respect them man. Honestly, the message challenged me a lot, despite the fact that I have not been able to get sufficient sleep since a week ago before the camp and it has been dragging on until now. (Yes, its killing me. This IDK what, but I hope my body can last. This ain't healthy, probably going to die soon. But it doesn't matter)

Loved the challenging message. The hardest one was probably being part of a community. I am still a lone ranger. IDK why, but I am a tough nut to crack.

Leader's Advance is another one. Why, loved the discussion best! Mind-blown moments but that really what I am seeking. Threw up a few things that I have been questioning, and was given a different perspective to look at things. Hm... The Advance also taught how it is possible not to actually practice the worship set for Sunday without a keyboard but instead just worship God, trusting in Him that He will make a way. I spent the night playing the set on the guitar, and I think it helped! Haha! Kinda like the individual space I got to do it. The kitchen so super duper isolated, quite like that. Not saying that my house is small, but I seldom get "my space" that I would prefer not myspace hor!! LOL!!

But this are only two events lah, got a lot more. And this holidays does feel like a holiday, which is good. But I might have slacked a bit too much. :/

With no link at all, here is a few covers of songs done by two girls. Friends linked one of their covers, saying it was super nice. So I listen lor.. LOL...

A Bitter Pill

Did not know it would be this hard to swallow a pill.

Well, its feel horrible! Literally horrible. This holiday, I have come to realize how weak I am. Not physically, but mentally. It weird because my coaches have always said that I am one of the mentally strongest in the soccer team. Not only in JJ, but also during my spell at Hong Kah.

I have come to the realization that I give up easily. You will think I am joking, because if you seen my competitive self. Congrats, you have seen and I am going to be a fighter. However, I don't know what has happened to me recently. The absence of soccer has lead to a change? I doubt the validity of that reason. The main idea is that I am beginning to give up! For once, I am giving up. Yet, it hurts to lose. I don't think I am a gracious loser, perhaps I will be forced to learn it one day.

Very temperamental these few days too!! Caused by an upset/ heartbroken soul??

I am sadden because the situation looks bleak, hopeless and heart-wrenching! Its like a knife stabbing you, every time I witness it. Haizzz... I am in a way angry, not sure why. I can sense anger, but I don't show it. The shock absentee is the strong desire to fight on. Alright, the desire is there. But I don't feel like getting back up and going to fight in the battle field. I am fighting a losing battle. The odds are on me, the circumstance are against me, the main influences are all against me. I ask myself, "Continue fighting on for what?!"

I would love to enter the battle fight until and knowing that I will, I crawl out of it VICTORIOUS with I want, but thats unlikely, the results looks almost confirmed. So why get back in there? Yet, I have a desire to fight on, but I trying to convince that small part of me not to. I poison myself with lies, to make me give up. I force myself to not do anything about it.

Sometimes I ask, "Why!! Why does it feel like it is always me?? It seems to always happen to me!!" and I wonder whether I will ever get what I want...

6 June

Got no Title for this.

Well, been thinking so much. Thoughts keep flying away. I just seat in the back seat and watch everything unfold. After Bynes asked me about soccer, I just feel like blogging on it.

When people asked me out of the blue, "do you still play soccer?" I tell them no. Then they keep probing, "not even for leisure?" Some ask do you even watch soccer now?

To all those questions the answer is no. Unbelievable but true. I have changed. Don't feel like watching, don't feel like touch the ball. But this is even crazier, I don't even bother reading up soccer news, ain't interested in being constantly updated because it wouldn't make a difference. Its weird, my soccer friends couldn't believe it. I didn't touch a ball for about 2 months already, except for the testimonial match and the step down for the J2s. I believe some others can't believe it too now that they have heard or read it.

Perhaps some of you are doubtful, just thinking I have no time to play. But I just turned down opportunities to play soccer with my friends despite having my holidays now. Went with my friend to study at Macs, was asked if I was itching to play soccer. To his surprise, my answer was no. Things change, don't they?

Even soccer is not a constant to me. Could anyone think of me without drawing a link to soccer? Probably not. This is absurd, logic defying facts! I would like to think I am just not myself these days but I really doubt so.