A Bitter Pill

Did not know it would be this hard to swallow a pill.

Well, its feel horrible! Literally horrible. This holiday, I have come to realize how weak I am. Not physically, but mentally. It weird because my coaches have always said that I am one of the mentally strongest in the soccer team. Not only in JJ, but also during my spell at Hong Kah.

I have come to the realization that I give up easily. You will think I am joking, because if you seen my competitive self. Congrats, you have seen and I am going to be a fighter. However, I don't know what has happened to me recently. The absence of soccer has lead to a change? I doubt the validity of that reason. The main idea is that I am beginning to give up! For once, I am giving up. Yet, it hurts to lose. I don't think I am a gracious loser, perhaps I will be forced to learn it one day.

Very temperamental these few days too!! Caused by an upset/ heartbroken soul??

I am sadden because the situation looks bleak, hopeless and heart-wrenching! Its like a knife stabbing you, every time I witness it. Haizzz... I am in a way angry, not sure why. I can sense anger, but I don't show it. The shock absentee is the strong desire to fight on. Alright, the desire is there. But I don't feel like getting back up and going to fight in the battle field. I am fighting a losing battle. The odds are on me, the circumstance are against me, the main influences are all against me. I ask myself, "Continue fighting on for what?!"

I would love to enter the battle fight until and knowing that I will, I crawl out of it VICTORIOUS with I want, but thats unlikely, the results looks almost confirmed. So why get back in there? Yet, I have a desire to fight on, but I trying to convince that small part of me not to. I poison myself with lies, to make me give up. I force myself to not do anything about it.

Sometimes I ask, "Why!! Why does it feel like it is always me?? It seems to always happen to me!!" and I wonder whether I will ever get what I want...