The movie: "Army and Me"

Army life.. Before I take the step into a new phrase of my army life, I need to explode. At least just a bit first. But the joy of it is that it requires understanding the way I like to speak, because if not, its hard to understand or make sense of it.

Ok, maybe I will make it simpler instead of beginning, "out of my home into the dessert. "

Army life has placed me in a phrase I feel no joy going through. Even before I enlisted, it was obvious I had issues with the army and now being in it.. Its a lot worse.

Perhaps not being the typical kind of guy, I really different when I'm in crowds and with a small group wirh a preference of small groups.. But you don't really get that in army..

A peacock will of course be revealed in a big crowd.. But its tiring to be a peacock all the times.. Its energy sapping... And an ego will be unleashed when provoked.  Its probably known by now that I have enough guts to do what I say and that I will act in retaliation when a needle pricks my skin. That probably makes life in army a lot worse because I was hoping for a professional work deal where I get my personal time, army gets a person who will be behave.

Sadly, with regimentation, discipline and lack of freedom, choices and time to myself.. I'm not at all pleased... Not pleased at all.. The line was crossed. 

Inefficieny in the army also kills. It irritates me so bad that I may be going crazy. Its frustrates me, destroys my plans outside and wastes my time. Something so precious to me, so poorly treasured... Argh.. Grrr.. 

As I stand on the Mrt typing this post out, I can complain and rant a lot more. Army is sucks and I'm strongly considering to play with a system that has a reputation of never losing. Yet, on the other side of the page. I question myself, my attitudes... 

Army will not change me to a men, it will just continue to provoke my ego and attempt to get me to the mental hospital. But God can change me, mold me.. Placing me in a season of discomfort, suffering and pain mentally, emotionally, and physically for 2 year... There will be a reason. I have no idea why I have always ended up on the worse end of the deals for just 12 weeks into army life and gotten all the shit but it will probably be good training for the future shit people in the throw at me in future 

God, helps me to survive army life. But not just survive but to prosper. Help me to submit my life to you. To restrain my flesh from taking action on its own accord but to shine to both my sergeants and my fellow men treated like lowly life forms by the higher ups. I know this will be a season of so much pain, a time where things I treasure will be taken away from me.. Where I will hate it, and a time when life will feel so unfair. Yet I feel up to the challenge to live through and endure "hell" for 2 years. By your strength I shall... 

If some people have managed to endure an army life where they have gotten all the shit thrown at them. Time sapped from them, choices and freedom stripped away for 2 years yet survived. So can I! I am sure someone before me will have been lied to, leave taken away from them, and more shit dumped on him than I have been issued so may I not complain, but be thankfully. Although when you take a look at other people's life in army and compare, its demoralizing. Things in amry could have been worse for me in army, but thank God it has not reached that point... 

...yet.

Defining Moments

Hihi!! So in army, I had to crap out an essay on "My defining Moment" so I decide to share it here if not you may not hear from me for a very bery long time. Of course, I added more on.. I submitted around the first 5 paragraphs only. Although this is not the exact things I said lah and I decided to make it less personal for the actual submission.

My defining moment.

Could a moment fully define my whole BMT experience? Every experience is made up of so many events, so many memories that will eventually lead up to that point in your life where it gets so special, where one will remember for the rest of their lives. Thus, my defining moment was the day I stepped into Tekong, yet littered with so many other memories picked up along my BMT journey.

On 7 May 2013, it was the day that a wholoe new season of life begun for me. I personally believe that army will be more than just a chapter in my life because when BMT ends, it would be the end of a chapter in this new season for me. On that day, when I first took my step into Pulau Tekong, it was a step into uncertainity, of change, a step out of my comfort zone. A step that I would have preferred not to make.

Walking up the flight of stairs, surrendering my pink IC, it all happened too fast. It had not yet impacted me the severity of the act. That when I handed in my pink IC, I had pledge my alligence to this country. This country called Singapore by others around the world, but a country I call home. However, at the moment, I still looked at myself as a civilian, walked like one, treated myself as one. My identity was of a civilain, and it had not yet been changed.

What changed my identity, what made me look at myself in the mirror and realize that 7 May 2013 had truly happened and all this was not just a nightmare, was the day I cut my hair. Having been living with my trademark long fringe since I was even in Primary school, it had become a part of me. As I walked into Pulau Tekong, I was still with my long, floppy fringe. I was still me, I was still Yue Seng. However, when the lady shaved me bald, when I felt my hair departing away from my scalp, when I saw bits of my hair drop onto the ground, my precious hair leaving me. There was aching in my heart because I did treasure my hair, and when it was shaved off, I lost something. I had lost a part of me. That made me wake up to reality, and the life of being a soldier. A life of sacrifices.

Not being able to sleep as long as I like, not being able to do whatever I would like when I like, to find myself having to undergo training, perspiring so much, having to much from place to place and being rushed constantly throughout the whole day. Looking at it from a neutral perspective, these sacrifices were all small things and things that I would perhaps be alright to give. Although I would hope that I do get something back in return. But the biggest sacrifice I probably have made or been forced to make was time. Time that I could have spend with people that mean a lot to me, the inability to be physically be there for them. The ability to make late night calls, the ability to just crash someone's house when I like and the ability to jio people out for meals.. all gone. I can't try to fit people schedules no more, I lack that capacity, and it changes my world in many ways. I can't make that sacrifice even if I wanted too... Time... So precious ain't it?

Then came the turbulent few weeks of high key events all back to back... First to arrive, was the hand grenade throw, then my live firing, and then field camp to end it off..

Honestly speaking, I do have to admit that throwing a grenade and shooting real bullets meant to kill will be an experience because these are things that I have never ever done before. These things were also so unfamiliar to me, being a guy who has no interest in guns and shooting, these things didn't excite me. It felt more of a chore frankly speaking.

But lets begin shall we? The grenade... All the talk of people freaking out at that crucial moment never happened to me.. I didn't feel any panic when I pulled the pin out, like as though there was nothing to fear. I even wanted to watch it so I attempted to keep my head over the wall, until my sergeant pushed my head down.. Haiz.. All hope of seeing it explode was lost. Although, I heard my throw was quite good because I was told, "good throw" after
that.

But whats a soldier if he can't shot the targets he aims.. So live firing comes next. First thing that comes to mind is honestly how my weekends got burned. Personally, when live firing came, I had a fear I might fail the test at end of it all because I always believed my shooting and aiming is pretty bad. No joke man! I have no talent playing shooting games! Be it at the arcade, on the PlayStation or Xbox or any game consoles. Even when I when to Taiwan to play, I tried shooting too, but I was really bad at it... Still won a Tigger for my efforts back in Taiwan though!



Thank God, I wasn't as bad as I thought I was... I managed to achieve a Marksman in BMT, which holds no value actually because many others or majority will achieve it. I pretty much enjoyed shooting rounds after rounds, although I got to admit I was glad it was over and I didn't not get charge for a breach of safety or rules. There is some joy found in shooting, I have to admit, but when you do it with sergeant shouting at you and being really cranky and totally unreasonable, it does affect you sometimes or it did affect some others. I didn't care about their shouting. I would take my time to walk to my pit and load at my own pace, I had no plans on putting myself under extra pressure and being pushed into making a mistake. Plus, I like to walk and there would be nothing they could do about it or maybe they could but I was prepared to dare them to take actions against me.

Alright, there was of course somethings I enjoyed during my live firing exercises. For one, it would be the night shoot. Nope, not me shooting targets at night but be waiting for my turn because the night sky was so filled with stars that I yearn to go star gazing in my leisure time soon! It was so pretty and beautiful.. Its like watching the sun set. Perhaps, that is something I will honestly miss in Tekong. The starry night in Tekong. Another would be the waiting time. I managed to hide myself in the shade and slept for a good hour which was perhaps one of the best things when you are in BMT because I have never gotten sufficient amount of sleep before.

But lets move on... I'm running out of time to blog. Field camp. It felt like camping except when you march 8km (I have learnt that when they tell you the distance, it always means that you have marched more than that) there with what feels like the heaviest load I have ever carried on my shoulders before, you would wish that you can get a little breather so everyone decided to take their time, or do things slower and hence the tekan session begins. Honestly, it takes time for people to adapt to this new environment and how we are suppose to behave in it, so some people just have very bad adapting ability, while I have a bladder issue. Gosh, I wanted to pee but was not given permission. Gsshh.. I really considered just going to the toilet, and face the consequences later but I resisted.

Field camp felt like camping. It wasn't physically challenging as I expected and honestly, I expected it to be more physically tough. But instead it was another mentally tough challenge. Field camp showed me many people's character and at times, it showed me mine at times too, mainly digger shell scrap... I thought my fighting spirit would not be have been really affected by digging the shell scrap. I need to build up my fighting spirit. But I did enjoy learning all the movements, because it was something new to me. As I went during my camping trip, I got to eat a lot of snacks, and maggi mee and I found the field camp rather easy. Thats the bottom line.

Yes, hygiene did not exist in camp, I didn't like all the insects there, nor waking up in the middle of the night nor the food there and etc.. But I could survive field camp, it was survivable perhaps trying to make one feel out of his comfort zone which was taken with the "orh, ok." attitude. Never felt like I would really explode mentally, emotionally and physically in field camp. It felt like camping, or BMT's field camp was too easy even with all the punishment and all, maybe because with the "orh, ok. I don't care" attitude, it was easy for me.

After field camp, they always say the worst is over. So I expected life to be easier which it did become but it also allowed me to see how screwed up the system is and it was building up a inter rage within with all the frustrating the system was causing me. It is overly frustrating and I really wanted to blow.. This is my personally BMT climax, after field camp. If you are a girl or someone that has not undergone BMT, it doesn't make sense for me to blow after things have slacken right? See the irony! But yes, I do not plan to comment on things bah.. So yup, thats all I plan to say.

24

Life is not what I expected it to be... The song is so real..