It ain't about me. Lately, I have been challenged not to put myself before others but others before self.
Alright, that being said, I am not a self-fish guy before this year or anything. It is just that challenge to go and help a friend as long as it is within my means. So what in within my means? It isn't just since its on the way like of thing, its doing things that cost you something, that requires you to sacrifice something, that requires to forego your pleasures and at at times your needs. Well, if I am not wrong, its just include dying for people at times. But then, the amount of sacrifice you are willing to give up is dependent on who he/she means to you.
The Bible talks about them a friend in need, but I have always been like how can you help others when you cannot even actually help your own self? I already am being challenge to open up, be transparent before others. Yes, there are a lot of things stuck deep down in my body and that I will never tell anyone. Somehow, I accumulate it until its reach bursting point. I do have issues, major issues to sort out. I agree that I am a troubled young man, but its up to me to sort it out. Releasing some of it, helped me, but I really do not want to let the water continue leaking. Keeping it in will hurt, but let it out is an option I don't plan to take out.
But lets return to the the topic. I do have issues, but it should not be hindering me from being there to help someone in need. Its a challenge, and I hope to do fulfill it. Though, I think its also an underground plot to make me open up, but we shall see where God actually means that for me in this process. Its rather tough to put others before actually, but may God grant me strength.
Welcome one and all to GDOP, one and all. GDOP struck me in a way, I knew before-hand that I needed to go in troubled and I was. I wanted to go in there not wearing a mask, and I was required to if I wanted to see God. Woah, lets pause here. I am just saying go into God presence being who you are, bring yourself whole to Him.
The first prayer item was returning to First Love. Well, its was like the Ferrari banging the taxi in SPore. Fatal hit, confirm cry. It was an accurate pin-point dart throw hit the bulls-eye. Well, some people will deem me as a 10 year old Christian, I deem myself as a 5.5 year old one only though, and people ask me why do I not want to get baptize since its like "10" years leh!! Old leh. Here is the reason, I missed the golden moment back then. I will not go into the water until the wave of the Spirit hits and stays for good. Yes, I lost the gift of speaking in tongues before, no kidding, if you doubt that you are speaking in tongues and stop speaking in them or that was my case. The gift will be taken away. Since then, I got lost in the jungle. Surviving but never could I go up another level. I am still lost, but I have been granted the glimpse of what I could do if I find a way to level up yo! Pretty cool, and its explains why I was attacked in an effort to subdue me when the golden moment hadn't past back then. Cool stuff.... (Trying to be transparent here, slightly at least. I bet no one knew the lost of the gift..)
Hi peeps! Today was a very interesting day for me!
I was stop my policemen today, and had my particulars taken down. Well, Wanted my address, my school, my name and wrote down all the stuff on my Student Pass. Hm. Don't ask me why man? It was epic. I was just walking down from the LAN shop at WCRC, then the policemen were coming up via the stairs. To my surprise, they asked me for my IC, then I passed them my student card. Then they were like asking me weird question like where I just came from? Was I alone? Then they scan my card to verify it sia, cool stuff sio!! Of course, I taled to them lah, like why you all want my IC sia? Then they all say, "Now was the holidays, then here got a lot of gangster.. blah blah blah.." So I was like "orh, ok lor."
So that kinda ended my episode with the policemen! Hehe!! Like talk about how I felt. I was so tired that I was not even scared, I was like, "take then take lor, its not like you can do anything to me since I am clean." Haha!! I think I am immute to having my particulars taken down. This things have been happening since Primary School! LOL!! Yupyup, mine was taken down before because I was playing soccer in the void deck. LOL! Likeaboss sia.. Aiyo, usually people in my shoes will be afraid, I was just fine with it. Haha! Hoping they will come to my doorstep and ask for me. Then I will like, "what you want?" LOL!! But that would mean I am actually in trouble. Cool stuff yo! Still ain't frighten. Jesus wasn't when he was falsely accused, so why should I? I can't be frighten because my conscience is clear. Woots! Alright! Lets move on!
Later on in the day, there was this uncle making feel very uncomfortable in the MRT. If you live in Spore long enough, you know there are those things you can lean on in the MRT and so I was leaning. Then this uncle come and stand in front me and hold the bar, and was facing me. He was like giving me the usual space I would give my friends, if they were leaning on. Which is like half an arm length. But he was a stranger to me, and that was abit close ah!!! Damn weird.. :/ But nothing really much lah, if anything happened, I still have 2 functioning fist! Haha! Violent kid ftw! Hehe!!
Oh yes, Been running from things lately! On Thursday, it was lightning, on Saturday, it was from getting shitted on by birds because when shit gets real , its scary. OMG! Haha!!
I fear a dejavu. But I got this feeling that a dejavu will occur.
I fear its going to be painful, agonizingly painful, torturous. Its like going back into time, 6 years back and reliving the aftermath. The tearing apart despite wanting it so much. The separation, the hurt, the loss, all because a man got to do what a man got to do. Haizzz.. I thinks its just me who is just unlucky :(
Then again, its just a feeling, but a very strong feeling. From my observation, it probably is true. I am not the best observer, but I ain't that poor as one too!! So wait and see...
Remember this rather over used quote of "Time will heal the wounds."
Well, its not exactly true. Wait, it ain't true. What am I talking about! :/ What the bleah... Time does not heal the wound, instead it just makes you forget about it. So when the memory returns, KABOOM! Yupyup, the hurt is like a knife that stab you in your heart. It is honestly only God and yourself whom can tend to the wound and heal it. I have realized that it needs oneself to heal. Why? You need to open up. So many times, I have just harden my heart, and make sure that emotions are an alien language to me. The results is that it ain't smart to do it. You can try lah, but the feeling of drilling a hole through that cement is excruciating! Once you have done so, only then can God work.
He respects our decision, is gives us the freedom of choice. Even when we choose the wide path, he really is that father standing there waiting, waiting with patience, in agony, in love, for the prodigal son to return home.
Then again, there is really those times he wrestle with you (perhaps only when you struggle against him), stepping in to set the records straight with things he ain't please with, chastening me. He demands us. He is a jealous God, something that I need to ingrain into this thick skull of mine, wanting the best from us and not the left-overs. Wanting to make us the best we can be, to maximize the potential in us. Frankly speaking, I am so stubborn, I have come to realize that I have never fully maximize the potential in me yet. This revelation might have come a bit to late, but there is no point looking back. Lot's wife did so, and she turned to stone. Alright that had no link, but just saying that looking back on what could have been will chain you up, so turn your head and look straight. If not, get one of these...
Haha!! Just joking yea.. Blogging this in a light-hearted manner ;)
So let get down to business. Lately, I am been trying to run away. But God speaks despite where you run to. The lyrics of "You Hold Me Now' by Hillsong... "No hiding.." is pretty true. Been youtubing a lot lately, and come across this MV.... A song from Twilight, not a fan but the song is nice, and I like the MV or just the candles.. Haha!!
God loved us from the start, even before I was born. He loved me perhaps even more than a thousand years , and he will love me more than a thousand years. So God beats Edward Cullen!! Wakaka!! Totally likeaboss. And for those who I have been chatting or asking for opinion what they deem love as, this song did trigger it slightly, a factor but not the main cause ;) Hehe!!
As for soccer. I know most of my JC friends don't know I own a blog. They just keep pestering to follow them on Twitter which ain't going to work. I am not going to let you flood my timeline!! But I really want to thank God, for blessing me with the talent to play soccer. Hope to create a video containing clips of my performance in A'div but honestly, my performance have been SHIT during the A'div. It has been horrible to be constantly asked why my performance has drop so drastically. That constant bombarding really hit me real hard. Confidence took a huge blow till near K.O sia! So when you watch it and believe I am "only' that good, I really ain't but it does not matter how people view me, so its up to you :)
Been greatly blessed with great friends. Well, my soccer teammates have been really fun to be with. I remember somewhere this time, I was screaming and shouting at some of them because they were really lousy and it was frustrating working with them. I still remember how my coach told me to relax and such.. Then came the MI tournament. The first test for some. And also the first medal for many of them!
I remember how good I felt then. I was buoyant, over the moon having been the guy who scored 7 out of 16 of JJC goals during the tournament. It was like a though I was scoring for fun. Got to admit, that set the standard for me. From then on, every time we played a friendly match in Nov, Dec and we seem out of ideas in the attack. My coach will always say, pass the ball to me. I can "create something" which was true. My teacher said I was a match-winner. The image was set, people expected to deliver. And I usually did. Sometimes it wasn't enough like losing to SAJC despite scoring 2 goals and dribbling pass 13 people in the whole match, maybe it was more but it ain't important, we still lost. So I was praised quite a lot during this time and well, I was playing with a swagger.
Then came the injury. Actually, I was already feeling pain in my knees since May but wanted to get it checked only after the tournament and promos so that I could play and study without interruption. Was forced out of action for 6 weeks. And sad to say, I never regain that blistering pace, nor form that once people defined me with. I changed my boots during this time too. A boot that gave me more protection on my feet but also less accuracy. Why make that change? Well, to try and look after myself. I was trying to adapt to the team playing style then. Or they will trying to adapt to me. I wasn't used to the ball not being playing to me nor the plays not coming from me. And well, that lost of pace was costly, because I could not out-run people easily, but they could match my pace and it meant more adapting.
The KL trip was the next highlight. When the J1 came in..
Perhaps a bad choice for me personally...
Why? Because this was the start of the worse injury ever obtained.. Or adding new types of injury into my already rather colourful resume. I remember blogging about me not wanting to go. And well, I think I shouldn't have. Unlike the last year trip where I could enjoy my bubble bath, or have one, crash at people's room and "party", I also didn't get injuried. Or I think I did not, maybe I did but it wasn't very serious.. :/
Alright, the trip was fun, just that the thought of taking your CTs after the trip wasn't very fun to think of. We needed to study during the trip and what lies! We never studied lah! LOL!! But I didn't get to bubble bath sia :( Nor enjoy reading a storybook. Instead, I was sleeping and playing away the trip which is the whole idea of a trip, right? Yup. So as far as I have written, it is fun and good. But The matches won't.. :( By now, you should probably tell that I am on the decline. Or my form is on the decline. But it probably wasn't very obvious but I was not a potent to opponent as much. However, I probably was still a threat to them and hopefully that theory explains why I was still being marked out, or kicked or injured by opponents. In the first match there, I was having a wrestling match. I blogged about this before and what came out of the match was just a very angry and injured me. I hurt my left shoulder in the match and until now I have a bone jutting out slightly.. I have not gone to see the doctor, and I do not think I would as long as I can play the piano and write.. :/ Then there was the kick at my heel that has cause my Achilles tendon to be injured or my Achilles heel to feel pain. I deem this the worse injury because I can't wear a guard to stop it from hurting nor removing pressure from it. This is because if I wear a guard my foot will hurt due to a ligament I tore in sec 1. So haizz. No way to feel less pain. But with A'div only a week away, I was never going to declare it and well, the injury has worsen rather badly.. Even walking is painful right now. Well, other injuries also give me the same type of problem but they do not that 2 years to heal!!!!!! Like What!!!??? Haizz..
The more injured you are, the harder it is to play better. Its true. I have been trying to hard to improve but I had to also make sure I do not worsen the injury or try not to. And that means you need to rest and not practice, nor train intensively like most will do nearing the season. :( Really sad.
So A'div anyone?? Haha!! Don't really want to blog about it. It was a roller coaster, from a high to a low, from hopeless to hopeful to heartbreak. JJC was just like Manchester united this season. Losing on goal difference, having a hand on the title (only for it slip away at the end). So just some pictures? I don't have any pics of me in action but I am hoping to do a video up.. Or upload some clips of me.. :/
Of course, I will be lying if I said I was satisfied with myself. I would have preferred to end on a high, and when I am at my best but it was not to be. But I got to say, I have be blessed. Thank guys for the memories.
It has struck me how many of you played the supporting cast to me. When you passed me the ball and delivered nice balls to me to finish teams off. Something that I never really experience in Hong Kah. I have come to realise that perhaps I should have played a more supportive role when I had returned from injury but its to late to regret. Move on! Its the only way!! ;) Either way, Thank you!! :)
P.s Unsure whether to talk about the A'div when I was J1. Because, that should have been the end. Its another long story on how I am playing again this season.....
Hi peeps... Well, April has been a horrible month, and I consider that a understatement of the month. Its been a painful month. I don't plan to elaborate because it will take a very long time to. Its was not a roller coaster, it was a plane whose engine had malfunction and it was plummeting down to Earth at an accelerating quick pace.
Been asking why has a these happened to me! Like WHY!!?? I can't comprehend. When u love someone, you would want them to be happy don't you?? Why take away the joy, the thing that I tend to seek refuge in, or to vent my anger through....
And the reply I got, "Because the Broken will listen...."
It was the answer to the Sahara Desert. To listen to the tour guide, or the only One that could lead me out of the desert and not get lost like the Jews who were send into wilderness and died there. And I realize that listen was just the first step into a huge challenging and trying period of my life.
I thought the answer ended with just one dot, not a few... I thought it was because the broken will listen period. Instead, I have been enlightened that it was not period but to be continued.
So what is the next part? Because the Broken will obey and will trust. Its the moulding period. The potter hand wants to move. Sadly, it is the hardest thing to do.. I feel like Jonah, I related to Jonah. I don't want to do it. Simply just that. I hope you know the story of Jonah, how he refused to go to Nineveh. God forced him there in the end. But know this Jonah was as good as died when he was swallowed by the big fish, but then was a alive again when he got out. I am not dead, but I asked to surrender things that I do not want. I find it real hard to obey. To give up the things that you hold on so dearly. To just give up and walk away. After all I have done, give up and walk away?!?! Like What?!? The challenge to forfeit my desires, to change my character and attitudes, to modify my thinking, to cause a 180 degree turn. Being ask to destroy the egos. Its asking me to kill myself, to totally surrender. Well, might sound easy but it really ain't so for me. I love being in control, having some control over things but to give up my rights to do so is hard. Its killing me, total surrender has been my stumbling block.
To make this tall order even harder to overcome, the farewell was unpalatable. Instead, I felt it was the worse kind of farewell. It leaves a bitter after-taste, it makes me want to return to set the records straight, to make the wrongs right. And that desire is really strong! The temptation to give in to the desire is strong. Its easy, the offers have been coming at me. They always say once opportunity are gone, they don't return. Which makes me wonder even more.... So many things have been happening, so many thought provoking questions being asked, so many internal struggles fighting it out.
Its emotional draining, its mentally painful. I am in a way physically present but never mentally presented. I have been transported into a world where I watch the battle. I can't believe that I see a full grown beast in the red corner, with red angry eyes, buff body (actually, its buffer than buff, its like the body-builder's kind), and that look on its face, you know you don't wanna mess with it, its looks like it can kill. When I saw it, I knew who that was.
Here is some background. I know no one know about this. I am sorry, it is me, I keep so much to myself. When those chains that broke, I knew it would be uncontrollable. Thought I took the right measure, letting it experience defeats. Sadly, it still grew stronger, and worse. When the chains broke, I was beginning to confront players when provoked, making tackles and irritating people on person provoking them. The ego. Sure, I become a total different person once the whistle blew because it has been expressed, I can go back to being me. Not an egoistic person but just guy that on an adventure. On the side note, it was super duper hard trying playing soccer for the last two matches in A'div (against TPJC and DHS) because I was one card away from suspension. You need to know how I was scolded by my coach when I did something unnecessary that could get me a card. Haizz..
In the blue corner, we have the Father who wants to battle the beast to get his son back. The battle is really torturing especially when you do it in a human's body. Every time, I want to draw near, its going to start fighting. Of course the opposition in the blue corner is stronger, but the fighter on the red corner has really strong defending methods. I can put it into another visual image but I am too lazy to. Those defense walls have been set up, they are strong man! The worse part, I know when those walls are erected because I am the venue.
While the battle takes place, other things are happening. Honestly, questions have been popping up. Love, what is it? Scars, why do they exist? Emotions? So many thought provoking question, that have made me seek answers. Asking for people's opinion, reading up people's thought via the internet, and observing people's actions and words. Well, I am definitely still in the process of seeking answers.
By the time you reach this sentence, you probably should get lost, or blur. Haha!! So what is the bottom line? Hm.. I am not myself no more? I found out much about myself in April, my immaturity, and more.. As I try to rectify the problem, I realise I am become less full of life. I kinda am torturing myself, but let it be. It not like I will die from the torture right? So ya, have been told to take of the mask, stop deceiving people. Some are good actors, and well, I pretty good in deceiving the referee so ya, I can actual and have actually deceived people. Challenged to be accountable, which is something pretty tough especially when you have a person like me that we keep many things to himself. (Wanted to say everything, but I have been leaking soccer out.. Therefore, people think I am soccer crazy which is False! Haha, that said, but soccer has been integral in my life.)
The battle continues doesn't it? And Yue Seng will stand strong, won't he? Well, the truth is he should not. That what he needs to learn. The losers can sometimes are the winners. Sacrifice is essential. And now its the time to let go....
