Argh... I must admit that without rest, in constant torture, punishment, pain and suffering. I seek a way out except I know that there will be no ending of this torture. I want blood, I wanna reap somebody into pieces, I wanna see blood ooze out. Destroy things, unleashing my strength on furniture bring me no relief, brings me no form of satisfaction.
Perhaps its proof that my threshold has reached in max, the fortress of tolerance and patience has collasped. All I find is rage and anger. I so wanna dish out all my anger onto someone, but how can I beat up someone with repercussion and punishment. I have no reason to speak because even if I try, I will destroy things as I speak and I get more and more angry.
I wanna smash a hole in the fence below my house, I wanna do it with the soccer ball just like old times. However, haven't I agreed to leave that game behind because of the injuries that are just part and parcel of the game?
Arghh..... I want a way out. Why? I really want to kill!!!!! I cannot find love in my heart. Its bent on rage and rebellion. I have given too much, been to nice. Now, I want to kill. I want to see.... blood.
In the journey of life, there would always be storms.. But never did I expect to experience a tsunami in my entire life..
Storms are present in our lives so that the glory of God may be revealed. And so that the beloved kids of God will return to Him, that their eyes are fixed back onto God. And as for tsunami, they happen so that the whole heart may be broken and a molding process may begin.
Storm after storm after storm after storm, have brought me to a place prepared to undergo another painful turmoil. As my life goes on, after 3 years experiencing a tsunami, a new storm appears. Yet a storm is overcome so much quicker than a tsunami. Through the tsunami, lessons and testimonies have been forged. These events will forever be written down in my chapters of my life.
Constant suffering and hurt, immense pain experienced, trapped in a deep dark pit for 3 years... I will never speak of it, nor would I ever care to explain. The only people who will ever know it are 2 people in this entire universe.
As 2013 slowly draws the curtains.. The major exams are up. The storms in people's lives are starting to up about.. Seeing the anxiety, sensing the stress and fear..
But in every season, God doesn't let you fight alone. I have come to realize that my experience are each a story to tell, a story to prove and testify the greatness of God. Yes, when I look back at almost every milestone in my life. Its been a battle of faith, of just throwing caution to the wind, jump of that cliff and trust I will be caught in the midst of the fall.
And after every event.... every miracle... People forget.
Well, its a good time for me to reflect and remember.. And what better way to remember through songs.
First off, Still by Hillsong. Yes, its still my billboard no. 1 hit. Because I didn't choose this song by its tune, rhythm, melody or whatever else there is. I chose it because of the words it speaks.
"When the oceans rise and the thunders roar,
I will soar with You above the storm.
Father, You are king over flood.
I will be still, and know You are God..."
The chorus of this song has been sometimes the sole reason behind every ounce of determination I manage to muster. Some people know me to be someone who will never give up, which is true. Yet there were times, when I could not bring myself to press on. I'm only human but He's only God. Its STILL my favorite and well probably will stay there at the top until I die perhaps?
However, there were of course songs for the season. When that song speaks so dearly to you during that phrase of life, that trial you are undergoing and it only spoke so strongly during that season. Well, I have had those moments. You don't expect the song 'Still" to be the song that will speak the most to me all the time, right?
In those days, when O'level was daunting... The song was "Today is the day" by Lincoln Brewster. Or I preferred his version. It was bubbly, and telling me to just take a step at a time.
Thus, next up is "I lift my hands" by Chris Tomlin. Every time I hear this song, I'm reminded of my J1 promos. I remember the nights when I couldn't stop crying. Remember the nights when I was so super stress, I took a guitar and played it for a whole good 2 hours. Remembering how I was pushed in a corner, beaten and bruised, things were in such a horrible state. It was do or die. It got me thinking what was I doing with my life. My choices and decision. Words won't be able to fully depict the whole situation to you. I remember the peace after a 2 hours prayer session. A peace that was present throughout the whole period, even though things seemed like they were heading to doomsday unless everything would work out perfectly but what chances were there? Turned out, the chances of that happening would be 100% in God's book.
I hoped you enjoyed the song, but most importantly, may you be blessed by it.
We will skip 2012 for reasons I don't feel like revealing. But as for 2013, the song of the season has been....
Well, this year has a really different feel than the other songs. Also 2013 has been a year I have been placed out in the desert, in places I have been forced to carefully and cleverly devise a plan. Only to figure out, God's ways are not my ways. Bless the Lord, Oh my soul. I realized this song wasn't meant to be sang in the happy seasons but in the painful ones. It is sang with much pain, and determination to still worship and praise God. Or at least, this was my revelation.
Photographs.... A picture to remind of the times we had, the seasons we braved through, the people whom we met along our life journey. A way to counter the fragile memories in the minds of human beings. But mainly, to remember those special moments you spent with someone.
God can make tests into testimonies. And God will fight for those that love Him.
In the past few weeks, things havent gone really smooth sailing for me. I have been finding myself in situations with serious trouble although I have done nothing wrong and my actions were with good conscience and intentions. Its really too much to share and I don't know which one to share not how to begin. But lately, I have had a lot of responsibility heaped on me, as well as problems because I got appointed course I/C. (Its like a role where I oversee the whole course, meaning everyone even the platoon I/Cs) And truth be told, when I took over, the situation was pretty bad. Hatred and friction between and within platoons and the tensions are pretty high, where there were a few instances where fights almost occurred. A lot of punishments dished on everybody, and a lot tests and stuff that were suppose to be completed before my reign that have snowballed into my problem and time was running out. I had to fix it, by hook or by crook.
So here I was. Needing to get a group of guys that were not working with each other and the authorities I have to report to make my time a living hell because they just throw me the problem and the dateline and the consequences of not making it and I'm suppose to ensure that the problem is solved.
Gssh... Alright, they did give me a suggestion. They told me to be a dictator which I was the no. 1 thing I would refuse to do. As an I/C, I wanted to make they stay in the camp a more pleasant and palatable one instead of having someone shout at u all the time which would just make the morale and the atmosphere within the camp worse. However, a dictatorship like method is a tried and proven method that the previous ppl who filled the shoes, I now find myself in, have done. Thus, when I chose to be an encourager rather than an enforcer, when I chose not to be strict, not shout and be nice to them, I was taken for granted, they were throwing me all their problems (like I left my water bottle in the room earlier. Now its locked.) and things were not moving, problems were not solved but accumulating , the authorities above me weren't pleased. I just got whacked left, right, centre and I found myself being pushed into a corner, praying and wanted God to take my life. Thoughts of just being irresponsibility and reporting sick were on my mind. My self-confidence took a huge beating every time someone has to 'knock it down' or be punished. It made me feel incompetent as a leader, and that I was stirring the ship closer towards the iceberg rather than away.
I still stuck on with my method of encouragement and servant leadership. Asking them to show my urgency, to at least 'wayang' abit in front of the authorities above me. Helping them with their punishments after I had done mine. Gave up my free time, and sleep to help them with their problems and punishment so they would complete and meet the datelines therefore not getting into trouble. Carrying the bags of food ratios, helping with the stores and tasks we had to accomplish. (By right, I'm not suppose to help in running errands but to oversee everything and instruct my fellow men to do the tasks I tell them) Making sure everyone has their food before I take mine. (Such an act means I will have 10 mins to eat, go to the toilet and ensure everyone is ready to resume operation after lunch. While everyone else will have the comfortable 20 mins to do so.) Sacrifice a lot of myself, such that I would say such that I was burnt out by Tuesday-Wednesday. "How much more can I give?" was a question I found myself asking constantly.
Over time (actually, almost overnight), most people began to listen to my instructions, move quickly, not turn me down when I asked them to help me accomplish a task. And I really thank God that He is granting me favour and wisdom. Its really heartwarming to see them more cheerful, and working together. Also how God plan put a gameplan that would meet the standards needed yet not force me to act like a beast. All I needed, he gave. Until now, the knife has yet to go down on my head. God fights for those that love Him.
(Hopefully, its can be understood. The wonder and severity of the problems I faced. The stressed I faced and all are hard to express through words. And its got to do with army, so I know its hard to comprehend... By the way, this was actually a text message.)
Can one freely speak one's mouth? To voice out the harsh and nasty words/truths I have to say about the army.
I doubt I can as long as I'm in Singapore. But I hate the army (whats new?) and as time goes by, so does my disgust and hate for it grows. I hate the army, and I '' unsure whether this growing hate is good for my health. I won't be able to beat the army, I know that fact. I know that as much I can have the guts and courage to challenge the army but I know I will be fighting a losing battle. Many have tried before me, many hve fallen before me. I don't plan to play a game I will not win.
But is my growing hatred and dislike for army good? As much as its so uncomfortable for me, its makes me grow. In one's discomfort, one grows much. But that doesn't change the fact that I hate army and will continue to do so.
The sense of fulfillment yet the sense of burden. Being blessed while trying to be a blessing, hearing stories of lives of people who are suffering and more needy...
Yet one conversation with a old lady keeps playing in my mind. I never expected to be kept talking for so long, as the other rhema dudes were doing the other 11 units and waiting another 10 minutes for me to finish.
It was really inspiring to hear her so ready to converse with me. Hearing about her problems, the things she is doing, how she plans to study in a poly after her operations and telling me about how she is scare about the operation and all. To cap it off, I never expected I would be allowed to pray for her.
Truth be told, it was challenging. I wasn't mentally prepared for the challenge. Giving out gifts without engaging in converstaions would be simple but engaging in conversations and praying for "strangers' would be absurd. Called to love.
Well, I really don't know how to explain the thoughts going through my brain but today, God showed me how he paved a way for me to serve Him, and He showed me how he used me to build his Kingdom cause. To God be the Glory. Let me be a spirit filled man.. Or guy as I prefer.. ^^
Its been a painful 2 weeks in Nee Soon... Suffering, suffering and waking up to more suffering... As much as things could be worse, and that I should be joyful and thankful that things ain't the worse it can be.. Its pretty bad a life to live.
Waking up each morning, breath a deep sigh, knowing that today will be another day outfield, wearing the vest and helmet under the hot sun all the way till the evening.. Carrying along a burdensome rifle along, and getting irritated with one another because we have to work together to get the job done. Yet, so many people choose not to do their part and someone else has to clear uo the mess for them. And after clearing it, you still get punished because the timing was not met. It really gets on yout nerve, especially when morale is already low and people look at fulfilling their own selfish needs. Woah.. Wait, I have to admit that there are times that I too am lazy and just sit there.. Yet, until everyone starts to work together, I will be having a horrible few months at Nee Soon.
As I use my physical eyes and see, the future does not look good and at all slightly pleasant because some people will just refuse to be more pro active but just talk a lot. Words don't get things done!! But actions do!! Thats is why actions always speak louder than words!!
As much as my blood is boiling in camp, and I really don't just wanna shout at people. I wanna punch and unlease my violent tendency!! And sometimes, you just want a break or to have some slack cut but well, it never happens..
Its been a frustrating and irritating few weeks for me. For me to actually do push up, cross sit-ups, ranger hop and flutter kicks to my max count in the night so that I can release some of the anger and frustration building up with me meaning my threshold is breaking, cracks are being revealed. Gosh, I don't know how long more of this can I take. I don't plan to hurt myself but I also don't plan to transfer or unleash my violent side onto others. My choice would be simple between the 2. But I hope I will have to choose neither. Which is pretty far-fetched and absurd because the ways things are continuing, I laugh sacaristically.
Yet, every night I think about it. I don't want to show my anger, but to speak and act like a person judged by the law that gives freedom. To be a friend to those people that others dislike. To behave like a Christian yet, I pretty much failed to do so. I don't want to let hatred and anger build although I know its building up with me already. I want to have peace in my heart to just cool down. I want a break, serenity at its best.
But as for know.... The one word echoing with me is...
Army life.. Before I take the step into a new phrase of my army life, I need to explode. At least just a bit first. But the joy of it is that it requires understanding the way I like to speak, because if not, its hard to understand or make sense of it.
Ok, maybe I will make it simpler instead of beginning, "out of my home into the dessert. "
Army life has placed me in a phrase I feel no joy going through. Even before I enlisted, it was obvious I had issues with the army and now being in it.. Its a lot worse.
Perhaps not being the typical kind of guy, I really different when I'm in crowds and with a small group wirh a preference of small groups.. But you don't really get that in army..
A peacock will of course be revealed in a big crowd.. But its tiring to be a peacock all the times.. Its energy sapping... And an ego will be unleashed when provoked. Its probably known by now that I have enough guts to do what I say and that I will act in retaliation when a needle pricks my skin. That probably makes life in army a lot worse because I was hoping for a professional work deal where I get my personal time, army gets a person who will be behave.
Sadly, with regimentation, discipline and lack of freedom, choices and time to myself.. I'm not at all pleased... Not pleased at all.. The line was crossed.
Inefficieny in the army also kills. It irritates me so bad that I may be going crazy. Its frustrates me, destroys my plans outside and wastes my time. Something so precious to me, so poorly treasured... Argh.. Grrr..
As I stand on the Mrt typing this post out, I can complain and rant a lot more. Army is sucks and I'm strongly considering to play with a system that has a reputation of never losing. Yet, on the other side of the page. I question myself, my attitudes...
Army will not change me to a men, it will just continue to provoke my ego and attempt to get me to the mental hospital. But God can change me, mold me.. Placing me in a season of discomfort, suffering and pain mentally, emotionally, and physically for 2 year... There will be a reason. I have no idea why I have always ended up on the worse end of the deals for just 12 weeks into army life and gotten all the shit but it will probably be good training for the future shit people in the throw at me in future
God, helps me to survive army life. But not just survive but to prosper. Help me to submit my life to you. To restrain my flesh from taking action on its own accord but to shine to both my sergeants and my fellow men treated like lowly life forms by the higher ups. I know this will be a season of so much pain, a time where things I treasure will be taken away from me.. Where I will hate it, and a time when life will feel so unfair. Yet I feel up to the challenge to live through and endure "hell" for 2 years. By your strength I shall...
If some people have managed to endure an army life where they have gotten all the shit thrown at them. Time sapped from them, choices and freedom stripped away for 2 years yet survived. So can I! I am sure someone before me will have been lied to, leave taken away from them, and more shit dumped on him than I have been issued so may I not complain, but be thankfully. Although when you take a look at other people's life in army and compare, its demoralizing. Things in amry could have been worse for me in army, but thank God it has not reached that point...
Hihi!! So in army, I had to crap out an essay on "My defining Moment" so I decide to share it here if not you may not hear from me for a very bery long time. Of course, I added more on.. I submitted around the first 5 paragraphs only. Although this is not the exact things I said lah and I decided to make it less personal for the actual submission.
My defining moment.
Could a moment fully define my whole BMT experience? Every experience is made up of so many events, so many memories that will eventually lead up to that point in your life where it gets so special, where one will remember for the rest of their lives. Thus, my defining moment was the day I stepped into Tekong, yet littered with so many other memories picked up along my BMT journey.
On 7 May 2013, it was the day that a wholoe new season of life begun for me. I personally believe that army will be more than just a chapter in my life because when BMT ends, it would be the end of a chapter in this new season for me. On that day, when I first took my step into Pulau Tekong, it was a step into uncertainity, of change, a step out of my comfort zone. A step that I would have preferred not to make.
Walking up the flight of stairs, surrendering my pink IC, it all happened too fast. It had not yet impacted me the severity of the act. That when I handed in my pink IC, I had pledge my alligence to this country. This country called Singapore by others around the world, but a country I call home. However, at the moment, I still looked at myself as a civilian, walked like one, treated myself as one. My identity was of a civilain, and it had not yet been changed.
What changed my identity, what made me look at myself in the mirror and realize that 7 May 2013 had truly happened and all this was not just a nightmare, was the day I cut my hair. Having been living with my trademark long fringe since I was even in Primary school, it had become a part of me. As I walked into Pulau Tekong, I was still with my long, floppy fringe. I was still me, I was still Yue Seng. However, when the lady shaved me bald, when I felt my hair departing away from my scalp, when I saw bits of my hair drop onto the ground, my precious hair leaving me. There was aching in my heart because I did treasure my hair, and when it was shaved off, I lost something. I had lost a part of me. That made me wake up to reality, and the life of being a soldier. A life of sacrifices.
Not being able to sleep as long as I like, not being able to do whatever I would like when I like, to find myself having to undergo training, perspiring so much, having to much from place to place and being rushed constantly throughout the whole day. Looking at it from a neutral perspective, these sacrifices were all small things and things that I would perhaps be alright to give. Although I would hope that I do get something back in return. But the biggest sacrifice I probably have made or been forced to make was time. Time that I could have spend with people that mean a lot to me, the inability to be physically be there for them. The ability to make late night calls, the ability to just crash someone's house when I like and the ability to jio people out for meals.. all gone. I can't try to fit people schedules no more, I lack that capacity, and it changes my world in many ways. I can't make that sacrifice even if I wanted too... Time... So precious ain't it? Then came the turbulent few weeks of high key events all back to back... First to arrive, was the hand grenade throw, then my live firing, and then field camp to end it off.. Honestly speaking, I do have to admit that throwing a grenade and shooting real bullets meant to kill will be an experience because these are things that I have never ever done before. These things were also so unfamiliar to me, being a guy who has no interest in guns and shooting, these things didn't excite me. It felt more of a chore frankly speaking. But lets begin shall we? The grenade... All the talk of people freaking out at that crucial moment never happened to me.. I didn't feel any panic when I pulled the pin out, like as though there was nothing to fear. I even wanted to watch it so I attempted to keep my head over the wall, until my sergeant pushed my head down.. Haiz.. All hope of seeing it explode was lost. Although, I heard my throw was quite good because I was told, "good throw" after that. But whats a soldier if he can't shot the targets he aims.. So live firing comes next. First thing that comes to mind is honestly how my weekends got burned. Personally, when live firing came, I had a fear I might fail the test at end of it all because I always believed my shooting and aiming is pretty bad. No joke man! I have no talent playing shooting games! Be it at the arcade, on the PlayStation or Xbox or any game consoles. Even when I when to Taiwan to play, I tried shooting too, but I was really bad at it... Still won a Tigger for my efforts back in Taiwan though! Thank God, I wasn't as bad as I thought I was... I managed to achieve a Marksman in BMT, which holds no value actually because many others or majority will achieve it. I pretty much enjoyed shooting rounds after rounds, although I got to admit I was glad it was over and I didn't not get charge for a breach of safety or rules. There is some joy found in shooting, I have to admit, but when you do it with sergeant shouting at you and being really cranky and totally unreasonable, it does affect you sometimes or it did affect some others. I didn't care about their shouting. I would take my time to walk to my pit and load at my own pace, I had no plans on putting myself under extra pressure and being pushed into making a mistake. Plus, I like to walk and there would be nothing they could do about it or maybe they could but I was prepared to dare them to take actions against me. Alright, there was of course somethings I enjoyed during my live firing exercises. For one, it would be the night shoot. Nope, not me shooting targets at night but be waiting for my turn because the night sky was so filled with stars that I yearn to go star gazing in my leisure time soon! It was so pretty and beautiful.. Its like watching the sun set. Perhaps, that is something I will honestly miss in Tekong. The starry night in Tekong. Another would be the waiting time. I managed to hide myself in the shade and slept for a good hour which was perhaps one of the best things when you are in BMT because I have never gotten sufficient amount of sleep before. But lets move on... I'm running out of time to blog. Field camp. It felt like camping except when you march 8km (I have learnt that when they tell you the distance, it always means that you have marched more than that) there with what feels like the heaviest load I have ever carried on my shoulders before, you would wish that you can get a little breather so everyone decided to take their time, or do things slower and hence the tekan session begins. Honestly, it takes time for people to adapt to this new environment and how we are suppose to behave in it, so some people just have very bad adapting ability, while I have a bladder issue. Gosh, I wanted to pee but was not given permission. Gsshh.. I really considered just going to the toilet, and face the consequences later but I resisted. Field camp felt like camping. It wasn't physically challenging as I expected and honestly, I expected it to be more physically tough. But instead it was another mentally tough challenge. Field camp showed me many people's character and at times, it showed me mine at times too, mainly digger shell scrap... I thought my fighting spirit would not be have been really affected by digging the shell scrap. I need to build up my fighting spirit. But I did enjoy learning all the movements, because it was something new to me. As I went during my camping trip, I got to eat a lot of snacks, and maggi mee and I found the field camp rather easy. Thats the bottom line. Yes, hygiene did not exist in camp, I didn't like all the insects there, nor waking up in the middle of the night nor the food there and etc.. But I could survive field camp, it was survivable perhaps trying to make one feel out of his comfort zone which was taken with the "orh, ok." attitude. Never felt like I would really explode mentally, emotionally and physically in field camp. It felt like camping, or BMT's field camp was too easy even with all the punishment and all, maybe because with the "orh, ok. I don't care" attitude, it was easy for me. After field camp, they always say the worst is over. So I expected life to be easier which it did become but it also allowed me to see how screwed up the system is and it was building up a inter rage within with all the frustrating the system was causing me. It is overly frustrating and I really wanted to blow.. This is my personally BMT climax, after field camp. If you are a girl or someone that has not undergone BMT, it doesn't make sense for me to blow after things have slacken right? See the irony! But yes, I do not plan to comment on things bah.. So yup, thats all I plan to say.
When familiarity is found away from what I call home...
Every time I'm stuck in camp doing stuff that does not seem to have a purpose at all, but I do so just because I yearn to book out.. Because when I book out, I'm going home. Yet home has become a distant unfamiliar place. Every time I wanna book out because I wanna spend time with people that perhaps matter to me whether large or small, whether I know or don't, whether I admit or not but I can never hit the ground running. I'm lost...
Although, I'm only a few miles away from 'home'... Its an unfamiliar place. With all the constrain put upon me by army, I lack the capacity I once possessed. Its saddens me, no book out is perfect but I have yet to fully enjoy a book out. Its like there is no difference between being confined and booking out now.. Its just feels that way. If I'm confined, I'm stuck in Tekong, alone in my bunk with nothing to do for 9 hours while if I book out, people are either busy or if I meet them up, I feel that separation...
Honestly, BMT life has not been that cruel to me, or maybe it is, just that I'm thankful that it has not gone from bad to worse...
Well.. People tell me, people say that I have a very strong sense of perseverance, and my fighting spirit is strong... But as I think about it now, I beg to differ.. I find myself giving up way too easily, its like I'm a weakling...
Temper, oh temper... Will you ever not get agitated in the army so I don't end up in more shit (sorry for a lack of better word) than I tend to get myself in? Will you let things go and pretend nothing happened?
Hm... So I nearly got myself into confinement this weekend. Whats new? I did feel unjust about the punishment of my actions that could not be helped due the circumstances forced upon me..
To realize that my ego is really getting hold of me is proven when I had planned to go confront my sergeant abt the punishment for what is deem my fault hence my crime.. I gathered a few of my bunkmates and we were going to confront him after all the activities of the day.. Thankfully my officer decided that the severity of the crime was not the worse hence cancelled my confinement, but to actually know that I was prepared to heck care the ranks and just go and be reckless which could get me charged or something told me a lot..
That being said, my platoon has a tendency to argue their cases and what they believe is unjust punishment to them.. So on another day, my platoon got another gang of people to argue another punishment handled out to us.. Haha.. I was involved again. What's new?
Oh Yue Seng, you amuse me... Let bygones be bygones... Haha.. I'm kidding myself, ain't I? I know I'm too stubborn and have the guts to offend people without caring of the consequences and probably will refuse to accept things lying down aka suck thumb lor in army context..
So then.. 3 more weeks to POP... May I not get myself into any more trouble in BMT... Although, wherever I'm posted to, I probably will get myself into trouble...
Alright, lets look on the bright side. Soon, I can start growing some hair back and will not look like a prisoner. It would mean that I get back some dignity and hopefully not get treated like as though we are dogs. And that means I don't have to always wear a cap everywhere I go... looking more normal...
What am I protecting? What is worth every drop of sweat that drips of my head? Its like that song, "Just give me a reason".
That has been a question I have been asking myself. I cannot go through all the takan sessions from morning to night every single day for the next 7 weeks, without having a reason to motivate and encourage me to hang in there. Yet, I cannot find a reason. Its just makes me feel so degraded. Every day I am just waiting to get pumped or punished or something unpleasant to happen to me and I need a reason to pull through and a use reason to accept all these uncalled for punishment.
Just give me a reason, just a little bit is enough to continue slogging it out. I never manged to find a reason to protect Singapore before I enlisted, even up till now... Yet, I'm still searching for that something or someone would possess that answer I seek, that reason I need.
Well, thats just a sneak peek of what are the things that are going through my head.... Haizzz...
God, guide my paths... guide my mind and soul.... Its like I'm been forcefully humiliated and crucified.
Its been so many years since I visualized that face. I don't know why, but when I am reminded of what I saw, I fear that I saw me. My fight isn't on this Earth, my fight is one not seen with this set of eyes. I do have a wish, a wish to see the battlefield clearly, because I feel like a blind man fighting, not knowing which direction is the attack heading my way coming from.
Then again, I would also like to know the reason behind the attacks. "Why me?". Well, now, another question has popped up. I want to confirm my gut feeling. "Who is he?"
A strong sense of determination that can easily turn into stubborness because I am so determined to get the things I want.
A spirit of preservance? Well, another double-edged sword when you come to think about it.
Sometimes when these two attributes combine for the wrong reason, I actually suffer but I have never really been able to fully let go and let down somethings in my whole life. Give up doesn't remain in my vocabulary for long.
Ok then, I don't have much to speak on. Or I'm too lazy to type out.
Life in Sawang. The Journey of Discovery. Before you begin reading this whole post, I would prefer you read it while listening to this song. This was the song that I was listening to as I was on the van heading back to the airport. The song I listened to after I had met all my objectives of going there. So load this song completely then you may begin.
As I start off, I would like to thank God for giving me this opportunity to fly to Sawang. When I first got my enlistment letter, I was not pleased that I would be enlisting in May instead of Feb, as that meant I would ORD later. However, never would I know that months later, it provided me a chance to go to the Land of Smiles, where I have learnt and been challenged so much. On a personal note, this was a very difficult trip because God challenged me so much mentally throughout the whole duration of the trip.
Before we embark on this trip, I had my opinion that I was going to a place where the people were less fortunate than us (Singaporeans) hence more needy than us. Who would know that when I boarded that plane towards Sawang, God had a plan to change that view so drastically in the next 8 days.
The first day wasn't action packed like many of the days we would slowly experience within this trip. We met some of the student helpers that would be a great help and blessing to us during our time there, briefed them on what would happen the next day and find out a bit about them. Well, I am not that kind of person who goes out and purposefully makes new friends and would not change my style just for trip. I believe God has placed each person in the trip with a purpose they would fulfill within the trip, and as for my purpose, it would be laid out on the table for me to see clearly in the next few days.
The next 3 days were for us to teach the children English. Frankly speaking, teaching English was not as easy you thought it would be. There would be that constant sense of insecurity, not knowing whether the kids really understood what you have taught them, whether the methods that you are using are effective and engaging, and also constantly needing on of the student helpers to translate every line you said, you are not sure if the message you are trying to bring across is being delivered the way you planned it to be.
On paper, teaching English was one of the objective, but slowly, as time progressed, it became about being a friend and a big brother to the kids. My identity as a teacher would begin to change to a friend and then, so subtlety, a student. Never would I expect to be so blessed by these kids, that they would be my teacher in the coming days.
They showed me how genuine they were. They were always smiling away, so happy and contented. You could see how much they enjoyed playing, when we played a simple game with them. How they enjoy being in the present of one another, how they were contented and satisfied just by eating glass noodles with chicken feet!
Also despite the temperature being 40 degree Celsius almost daily there, I found it amazing hat they would still be playing under the hot sun, running about, chasing one another with a big bright smile on their face. Yes, children everywhere love to play games, and run about. But some of these of kids were running barefooted on a surface that was boiling hot from the sun. If I was in their shoes, I would probably not have run about, especially barefooted. I would have probably complained about the scorching heat, about the pain I would be experiencing from the blisters I would be having on my feet, about the meal that seems pathetic compared to right the meals we have in Singapore. Yet, they didn't complain about all those discomfort they experience daily. They had a different attitude from many of us, an attitude that signals to us that we have a lot of soul searching to do.
Another thing that was so miraculous was how God sustained me throughout the entire trip, especially during the period when we were going to teach English. There was always so much to prepare, so many things that would be changed suddenly during the actual lesson and impromptu games that had to be thought of right on the spot. It was mentally and physically draining to me, but somehow God gave me the strength and energy to be so lively for class, to run the games, and be play and run around with the children. Thank God for giving me strength, All glory to Him.
Admist all the teaching and things we had to do, we manage to unwind after a day of hard work at a park. I'm really thankful that we were brought their to unwind, because it was there where I realize how wonderful it is to just sit back and relax in the company of friends in an environment that was so serene. I didn't see anyone using their phones, busy texting or calling people or going through Twitter or Facebook or Instagram. It was time purely spent with the people around you, and that was something I never could find back in Singapore. It is sad to know that most people back home do not fully understand the joy of just enjoying the presence of the people around you, where your attention is fully fixed on the people in your mist.
But that was not all God had planned to show me at that time. Still having those kiddish remains inside this body of mine, I chose to experience how it felt to try bicycle boating even though there was the possibility of getting wet and dirty. I didn't have a change of clothing, which would have made it worse but I didn't really think it through, I just went to play with all I had. As I was bicycle boating, the realization of my action began to sink into me. I got wet, and of course dirty, and thus beginning to feel a bit yucky because in Singapore, everything is so clean, we would refuse to get dirty, or our hands or any part of us dirty. Not many of us will like to get our hands dirty, we tend to leave it to the cleaners that we have. We try to avoid anything that will get us dirty because we also want to smell nice, look nice and not dirty. For example, if a car drives passes us and water from the road flies at us and we get wet, the next thing that will fly in Singapore is unpleasant words from the victim at the accused. Yet, one thing that the student helper, "Keng", showed me was how he didn't seem to mind that his sweater was getting soaked in water. He just got on with him, and continued paddling and having fun. His response was such that he did not let that small discomfort get to him and spoil the fun. Well, on a personal note, that got me thinking, "Have I lost that child, that kid that I used to be willing get myself dirty, throw myself on the floor, and I didn't care a bit about how messy I looked and how "chui" my clothes would look? We are servant, and servant are not people would sit around wearing fanciful clothing and shake their legs.They have to make sure they get their job done, and they always get their hands dirty in the process if they are to do a good job. Similarly, God's will probably will get you dirty. It is a calling to go out to the streets, to every corner of the Earth and be a light to your surrounding, even if that means getting your hands dirty to do so or going out of your way to do so....
Then the day finally arrived, the end of teaching had finally arrived. Some parts of me said it was the time to celebrate, while another part was just thankful for the experience, for the kids that I taught and played together with. They had already managed to teach me things even in less than 3 days with them. I also thought at that time, that would perhaps be the last time I would see them. But to my surprise, the next day arrived with a present.
The school we were suppose to paint turned out to be the school we had been teaching in the past 3 days. But that is not the amazing thing. It was amazing to find the children we were teaching around in school when we arrived despite them having no lessons that day. So then, it meant that it wasn't actually the last time I was going to meet the kids, and little did I know I will see so much in them and their actions in the next 2 days that God will use to challenge me.
So has the first song I got you to listen ended? After it has ended, load this and listen to it. Kris Allen, The Vision of Love. This song struck me in my sleep. Well, or my nap when I was sleeping in the van onto the way to the schools or village central or any destination. It caught me in dream land and struck me there. Although not a Christian song, but a secular pop song, just listen to it carefully or watch it. It caught my ears for a reason.
Firstly, I saw how matured these boys were. So helpful even at a young age. They seem to thrive on the little responsibility given to them, and were already looking out for one another. That being said, you can still see that they were kids, enjoying themselves and having fun too
Secondly, they showed me how to find the joy in the little things you have and do. Somehow, they managed to rekindle that kid in me that got me to climb trees and scaffolding. Even when they put that lizard into my cap and scared me with it, you can see how much fun they are having doing so... Wait, that doesn't make sense? But it does, I could tell the fun they enjoy is much more than when I scared the wits out of Rachel and Pei Xuan. I'm not sure if that happens when you grow older, but if so, that is really sad. You don't exactly enjoy the joyful moments in life. You enjoy it for awhile, but you don't soak it in.. It was their smile, its their smile that totally differentiates me from them. Its their smile, it tells you a story. A story of joy. Its the joy of living life. Back home, it is a totally different culture and society to me and I do not deem ours to be of a better class, I really don't.
Thirdly, you see how street smart they are. Well, because they spend so much time outside and their parents don't seem to put much of a restriction on them, they really learn how to be street smart. They are really know the place around really well, know what fruits can be eaten from random trees, what leaves can help you get rid of paint, Paint that just water doesn't make it come off. You can see they are really bright kids, and their learning isn't about memorizing and more memorizing and reading and reading and then just doing everything thing you are told without truly questioning it, but they learnt from really exploring and asking. I really don't know how to explain the street smartness, but when you see them climbing walls, scaffolding, trees, going through barred wires (not literally, they go through the openings that pose little or lesser danger.) Its a form of smartness that MOE fails to teach, and many kids do not learn. Even my street smartness is not at its best because I have not spent time down below the blocks for a really long time, not even going down to kick the ball around. I'm rusty. Do wish to be more street smart too.
Well, another thing that stood out me happened on the last day I would meet these kids. It was the outreach event at the Village Central. The kids had already showed me around the village central, the walls and how to climb over them. Trained me to climb scaffolding without using the ladder, that meant that I had to climb using a lot of upper body strength which I found challenging because I have been guilty of not training, but I still had the strength to do so. All these things happened a day before the last time I would meet the kids, but on the day itself, the kids showed me around their whole village. Erm... Yes, I did do a disappearing act from the village central when everyone else was doing up the decoration and all for the outreach event, and went off on a bicycle that was too small for me and the handles were properly aligned.
At first, I thought all I would get to see is the village, how it was like. Just cycling through the village was an eye opener. I didn't know the next morning, we would go to some of the student helpers houses to visit and even if I was told so, I would still have done my disappearing act. I really thought I would just get to see the village, but it turned out, this kids was bringing me to see his home. Nope, this parent's weren't home and the door was not locked. These houses weren't as well furnished as the student helpers homes that I would get to see the next day. These houses were just really messy, and seemingly disorganized, with a dog and chickens presented. Somehow, the chicken's in the kids home were rather skinny but that's not what I want to say. It was the act of showing me his house that struck me more than the outlook of the house.
Would you show someone your house, someone whom I would deem a stranger because I had a huge language barrier, I didn't show you anything about me, what Singapore is like, who I am like, what my background is. The only thing the kids would know is that I am someone who would play with them, maybe loving and caring in some sense but yet that doesn't diminished the fact that I am a stranger from Singapore to them. Or at least that is how I will think if I am in their shoes, which brings me to a big question. Why would you bring a stranger to your house? Well, It showed me some much trust in me. So much trust. Something so foreign to me because I will never let myself be put in a situation where I am at the mercy of someone else. Neither would I trust someone to that extent. For someone who would prefer to not reveal himself to see someone actually open up to that extent really strikes me. He showed me the rubix cube he loved playing with, offered me water, showed me around his house. It was like telling me, "This is my world." Even without words, the statement/message was sent to me via his actions
I saw his family portrait and found medication lying around the house, which reminded me of that behind all these genuine smile, this land called the "Land of Smiles" is broken, that there are so many problems in this land and sickness still reigns in their land, my land, and this world.
As for the village outreach, I cannot be a judge on this. God gave us the opportunity to go there, he gave me the chance and got be to act as him. To portray Him. Did you know how much pressure I felt was on me. All other character I wrote in the script were fictional, but He wasn't. My own human comprehension is not able to portray Him correctly, and I was really stressed I had to portray Him because this was something failure was not an option. I did my best, the outreach has already passed, I believed God had moved, be it in small steps or make huge waves in their heart. Let God be God, He nurtures the growth of every seed.
As the end draws near. Well, after the outreach, on a personal note, it felt like my job was done. The irony is that I felt that I was more close to the kids then the student helpers. Yes, I can still communicate with the helpers but with the kids, there was less of a barrier. Perhaps, I'm still a kid, that was why. But of course it wasn't. It was time to get closer to the student helpers, or my time and energy would now have a new goal head into. That being said, the last 2 days were less action packed for me. Other than the farewell party on the last night, where I have no idea how long I played the guitar caused my wrist hurt so badly after, my fingers were experiencing that sharp pain despite the tips of my fingers already being harden since I had played and worship days prior to it. Hm.. I really don't know how many testimonies I played through. 8 testimonies and 2 songs? Maybe more... I don't really want to bother recalling vividly. But as I was plucking during those testimonies I heard, you could see how God had worked in the lives of the student helpers and all glory to God. Maybe it was too early for them to straight away accept Christ but at least we managed to change viewpoints of the Church and Christians and that is awesome because breaking down psychologically barriers are essential. Honestly, I can't describe how one really feels listening to the testimonies. It was really drawing a bigger picture, showing me how God had somehow made everything fall into place. It was amazing to listen although painful to pluck the guitar for so long. All glory to God.
Well, on the last day was the last time I had to role-play God. Probably prefer never to do so again though. Attending a service at Sawang Daen Din, was totally a first since it was my first time in Swang Daen Din. What struck me was after the service. No! It wasn't the swing, that I spotted in the backyard that made me play on it and make me look like a over-grown kid. I don't have picture of it, but it was probably caught on another camera. However, that aside, it was the culture of the church to have lunch together. It reminded me of this part of the verse.
"Acts 2:46 - Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts,"
To get to see it with your eyes and experience how it might have been like back in the Early church was a nice experience. It just doesn't feel that way in Singapore or the church I go to. Its just doesn't have that culture for the whole church to dine together unlike in Sawang.
Its a real pity we had to leave. This trip has been unlike any of my trip overseas. It was my first mission trip, but my 5th time going overseas on my own/ without my parents. Yet, this trip stood out for me. It has been a really fruitful time spent there. Action-packed... ticked, blessed... ticked, been a blessing... I can't be a judge on that. Its really different from all my trips aka as training stints in other countries. The language barrier did reach a new level there because I didn't even understand anything they said. Its unlike me being in China, Indonesia, Malaysia and other countries where Malay, Chinese and English would have been alright and sufficient. However, despite all the barriers, I have formed an attachment to Sawang and won't might staying there. However small, I know its not really possible to be totally unmoved when I hear about them now even if I don't show it.
But its back to reality. I do wonder why I was sent to Sawang to see so many things, to have been blessed so much. It makes me realize the problems of my land. As un-patriotic as I already am, I don't like to go overseas and leave the people in this land behind. Yet, it just doesn't make sense that people choose to live in a system that is all about individualism. About running a good rat race. About results, efficiency, productivity and work. Its forces people to look after themselves before others instead of the other way round. Its a land of worries, complains, frustration and anxiety. Singapore has huge issues. Change is needed, God is needed big time. Then it struck me, perhaps the change could start from someone as small and insignificant as me. Although I have serious issues that need to be tackled, change has to begin somewhere. The question is, would you want to change this horrible system of Singapore where its about survival? Its like a high-tech survival island. It needs change, a Godly change. #counterculture
Well, as I continue to collate all that I have been through the past week, and continue to journal it down in a post that will be very long. I just wanted to say....
Nah, I have nothing to say really. I got no video to share too... But Good Friday and Easter have just passed.... And before I flew, I was searching for a good video to screen. So here is my choice.
Things that weren't meant to be, will never be meant to be. Yet, I still try believing that there is still hope.
To drag yourself through the pain barrier, to persevere till where I stand, to endure all the pain my body, heart and mind can withstand, to choose not to give up even though you know the possibility of failure is as good as 99%. I come to the point where I know I'm crazy and should let fo. But is that really possible and really what I want?
Well then. On another note, to feel vulnerable makes me feel weird and uncomfortable. A guy who usually is able to hold it all together, lost it all in a trigger point. To hear me speak with vulnerability, is weird, uncomfortable but relieving still. I'm still human but it wouldn't surprise me if I return to a "hold it all" mode.
Well, enjoy. See what the kids got to say.. With some fun fact in it and how to do the dance..
Watching how teens, adults and kids react and answer certain videos and questions. Really opens up your eyes to how others are thinking... And sometimes, its saddening.. At the same time, you find out some of the viral videos around, like Fred.. LOL...
Would fretting now work? Does my A'level result matter?
I would bet you that everyone is going to be fretting their night away. I can't sleep because I woke up at 4.29pm yesterday not cause I'm fretting. But what help does it do? Would the outcome change now? Nope. But I know that my God is in control. Jesus reigns, was is and forever.
Running past cemeteries at night helps because it struck me. All these Christains laid to rest here, I choose to believe they are up in Heaven, looking down on me as I was running past their tombs. And they managed to hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant" because they fulfilled their purpose on Earth, doing what was important.
Then my attention turned to tomorrow. Which is friday. And I didn't see a need to fret, wasn't at that point and leading up to that point and still ain't. But remembering what God has assigned me to do now, to mould and shape lives. Then kaboom. Friday, was instead maybe going to be the last time I saw some of the people I met in school for the rest of my life. How have I impacted was the question that hit me straight in my face.
The lives you see around you, that is what matters more than some dumb cert I am going to need to get into Uni. Make the best of the time you have with them. Because the future is uncertain just like how one moment you see, the next, you realize I'm gone.
Well, D.I's 5th bday is just round the corner. And everytime we are asked to prepared something, Rhema comes up with interesting things. So blast from 2010! Just because I found it recently.
By right, its time I return back to the fold and the thick and thin of it all. But by left, I have decided to walk off and wash my hands off it.
Bro, I kept the promise. I choose to wash my hands off it, and not bother anymore.
;) Love it when after read the first 3 sentences, you don't get a single thing I was talking about. Well, and I don't plan to enlighten you, I like to let my actions speak instead.
Perhaps somethings are not meant to be. There is not much you can do about it, even if you would try within your own strength to cause a swing in the tide, its fruitless.
Rather rare words that would come from me, knowing my inability to stand around and do nothing. The tendency to retaliate is like if I made an online character of myself, it would be 85 . Well, I could say fight and fight and fight, never give up, but then again, is it worthwhile?
There comes a point in ones life when you realize that there are somethings not meant to happen, not meant to be. That my National Champion goal, my... and my so many unfulfilled goals and my..... and you say, lets just stop trying.
How can I capture and translate who God is, what He has done into a skit? That has been on my mind today, but we all know the answer.
I can't. I wouldn't be able to, but how best is the next then.
So realized the skit guys could give me inspiration, though they fail the major criteria I need to fulfill so it was merely for inspirational and joy. Found so really funny ones! Here are some.
(Just wanted to share the song. Been like 3-4 months delayed. Never found a post to share it, but when did it need a time to share, when would be the best time? It becomes so subjective, because no time is best.)
Well, hi all. Haven't been blogging much, nothing much to say. Just joking, been lazy.
So then, just wanna share something. I have a pretty interesting brain, or everyone's brain is interesting, but I'm either stimulating it for weird stuff because I can come out with so many imagery.
For example, imagine with me an image of a small helpless boy, in the corner of a house and he is shivering in fear and really afraid as you see an intimidating shadow figure somewhere in the corner of this image.
"I'm scared of this guy..." says the boy, "I want back the other guy"
Yup, that is kind of the imagery I am getting. Sometimes the new and improved version isn't better when it loses the real authentic side of it.
Yet time is a constantly moving forward, no turning back, no turning back time. And as time passed me by, as I watch the human race, there is a growing disgust for this race. How it conforms to system, hows it is so weak, how it is so self-centered, how it fails to see things, how, how, how.. There is a growing disgust within me growing and thats not good, I need to stop this disease from spreading and consuming my inner being before it kills me. Everything I find something good humans do, they do something that takes them 2 steps back.
Then I ask, "what is the beauty of life?" because only when I can see that answer can I stop it.
Its a battle to regain my place within my own body. Who would know that 2012 would all created such a drastic and chaotic situation/ survivor series that a side that had always been lurking was so inhuman to emerge, someone so cold and seemingly heartless could exist.
I wouldn't like to believe that Yue Seng is long gone, instead, I know he would say these words, "I will be back home soon. Wait for me." Although that dude is another interesting character to say the least.
A mind that thinks, but all the thoughts are like rojak. Really rojak, everywhere anyhow everything.
Finding a person's weakness, personality. Well, I figured out I'm pretty hard to read and figure out my personality. Have been trying too..
Well, been scanning my timeline, (no, not FB one. I mean, recalling everything that has happen before. Thats my brain's timeline. Something way better than FB consider my brain's great ability to recall sequences of events..) and figured out that I have upon built myself upon some verse that I read in Pri 6 and Sec 1. I'm amazed, so I was already consolidating my morals at such a young age? Wow!
Of course, I wouldn't say it here. Thats isn't me. Ask and you shall receive. But nah, no one asks so I don't care.
Okok, I met my friend up and we were like talking about whether I have the essence of a Hong Kah student. I said I doubted so, he said no really which is good, I grew up there, but never conform to any of their ways. Except perhaps for one thing. The "I don't care" attitude.
Good thing or not, I don't know. I will continue carrying and tanking all of it on myself, being one who can withstand much torture because I don't care. Sometimes that attitude is good, helping me calm people around me during the A's period as they see I ain't worried despite my results being. Yup, you know. But then again, it means I don't feel a strong need to rush when I am late. I remember CHRISTmas@DI, and how I was still happily not bothered my the time constraint despite being way being schedule. Thats one side of me, most people have seen hence my willing to reveal it. But for those, who didn't, I'm impressed at the lack of observation or lack of being in my presence perhaps. I apologize. I have a sharp tongue that I have been controlling but doesn't mean I would unleash it, and also my inability to understand how people are not aware of their surrounding, processing the details surrounding them and doing up a plan.
But as I end, when I say "I don't", I could just be a guy just putting up a front of being strong for others, or a
guy that is too dumb to be vulnerable. Then again, I could just wash my hands clean. The complication I present myself with. Really my own worst enemy.
My first soccer match of the year. I am exhausted. Wow, never knew army guys are so fit. Really bad day, because I was super tired, being the one who had to constantly be defending. Well, wasn't having the best of days defending especially when you had 3 people constantly attacking your side such that you do know whether to make the tackle or hold your position. Wow, frustrating day.
I was really exhausted after 45 mins of playing. Really being stretched and being exploited for not keeping my fitness up to date, or well. :/ Just a bad day and I am a bit irritated and angry at myself. Hmph!!
Went to King Louis to eat dinner. Well, that was probably the high of the day. Does not each day have its highs and lows? That is what a day consist of. Thats why I still think no day will be best of my life, but I can make the best of everyone of them still.
When life gets too routine, when fatigue sets in, you ponder what are you doing with your life, you wonder when will this nightmare end.
Life is like a piano isn't it? The picture speaks for itself and that is why I love the piano. I ain't very skilled in it, but when I get to play it without restriction, to come out with a tune, I actually get to tell a story.
Is that not the beauty of music?
Hope to make my room into a story after its renovated.
But I have come to realize, people never knew the real reason why I picked up the piano, why I support Liverpool FC, why I was so adamant that I wanted my room to look like this, why and why and why. The truth has yet to be revealed.
Would not everyone wish they had a guardian angel. Someone who has been looking after them? Technically, everyone has because everyone has friends. And by right, they do look after you but yet just to that certain extent.
What then is my idea of a Guardian Angel?
Someone who mysterious appears in your life when you need him. He is lurking around you but you just don't know where. You want him to show his face but he won't. You fail to out-smart him, to find out who he is. Yet he actually appears in front of you occasionally, at those times when you least expect. You don't know, but he knows. He looks after you, knows you really well because he lurks around you. Working behind the scenes. Doesn't complain but does his job. Yet the question is why? What good does it do to him?
But I realize sometimes being a guardian angel doesn't pay off especially if that angel never appears in front of you, only doing stuff for you behind your back. No words of gratitude. Its a tough job especially when there seems to be no reward at the end of it. Poor thing, I gotta say. Then again love is sacrificial.
