His Favour

God can make tests into testimonies. And God will fight for those that love Him. 

In the past few weeks, things havent gone really smooth sailing for me. I have been finding myself in situations with serious trouble although I have done nothing wrong and my actions were with good conscience and intentions. Its really too much to share and I don't know which one to share not how to begin. But lately, I have had a lot of responsibility heaped on me, as well as problems because I got appointed course I/C. (Its like a role where I oversee the whole course, meaning everyone even the platoon I/Cs) And truth be told, when I took over, the situation was pretty bad. Hatred and friction between and within platoons and the tensions are pretty high, where there were a few instances where fights almost occurred. A lot of punishments dished on everybody, and a lot tests and stuff that were suppose to be completed before my reign that have snowballed into my problem and time was running out. I had to fix it, by hook or by crook. 

So here I was. Needing to get a group of guys that were not working with each other and the authorities I have to report to make my time a living hell because they just throw me the problem and the dateline and the consequences of not making it and I'm suppose to ensure that the problem is solved. 

Gssh... Alright, they did give me a suggestion. They told me to be a dictator which I was the no. 1 thing I would refuse to do. As an I/C, I wanted to make they stay in the camp a more pleasant and palatable one instead of having someone shout at u all the time which would just make the morale and the atmosphere within the camp worse. However, a dictatorship like method is a tried and proven method that the previous ppl who filled the shoes, I now find myself in, have done. Thus, when I chose to be an encourager rather than an enforcer, when I chose not to be strict, not shout and be nice to them, I was taken for granted, they were throwing me all their problems (like I left my water bottle in the room earlier. Now its locked.) and things were not moving, problems were not solved but accumulating , the authorities above me weren't pleased. I just got whacked left, right, centre and I found myself being pushed into a corner, praying and wanted God to take my life. Thoughts of just being irresponsibility and reporting sick were on my mind. My self-confidence took a huge beating every time someone has to 'knock it down' or be punished. It made me feel incompetent as a leader, and that I was stirring the ship closer towards the iceberg rather than away. 

I still stuck on with my method of encouragement and servant leadership. Asking them to show my urgency, to at least 'wayang' abit in front of the authorities above me. Helping them with their punishments after I had done mine. Gave up my free time, and sleep to help them with their problems and punishment so they would complete and meet the datelines therefore not getting into trouble. Carrying the bags of food ratios, helping with the stores and tasks we had to accomplish. (By right, I'm not suppose to help in running errands but to oversee everything and instruct my fellow men to do the tasks I tell them) Making sure everyone has their food before I take mine. (Such an act means I will have 10 mins to eat, go to the toilet and ensure everyone is ready to resume operation after lunch. While everyone else will have the comfortable 20 mins to do so.) Sacrifice a lot of myself, such that I would say such that I was burnt out by Tuesday-Wednesday. "How much more can I give?" was a question I found myself asking constantly. 

Over time (actually, almost overnight), most people began to listen to my instructions, move quickly, not turn me down when I asked them to help me accomplish a task. And I really thank God that He is granting me favour and wisdom. Its really heartwarming to see them more cheerful, and working together. Also how God plan put a gameplan that would meet the standards needed yet not force me to act like a beast. All I needed, he gave. Until now, the knife has yet to go down on my head. God fights for those that love Him. 

(Hopefully, its can be understood. The wonder and severity of the problems I faced. The stressed I faced and all are hard to express through words. And its got to do with army, so I know its hard to comprehend... By the way, this was actually a text message.)

Good Hating Army?

Can one freely speak one's mouth? To voice out the harsh and nasty words/truths I have to say about the army. 

I doubt I can as long as I'm in Singapore. But I hate the army (whats new?) and as time goes by, so does my disgust and hate for it grows. I hate the army, and I '' unsure whether this growing hate is good for my health. I won't be able to beat the army, I know that fact. I know that as much I can have the guts and courage to challenge the army but I know I will be fighting a losing battle. Many have tried before me, many hve fallen before me. I don't plan to play a game I will not win. 

But is my growing hatred and dislike for army good? As much as its so uncomfortable for me, its makes me grow. In one's discomfort, one grows much. But that doesn't change the fact that I hate army and will continue to do so. 

DI's Love Moment

Open my eyes to see...

The sense of fulfillment yet the sense of burden. Being blessed while trying to be a blessing, hearing stories of lives of people who are suffering and more needy...

Yet one conversation with a old lady keeps playing in my mind. I never expected to be kept talking for so long, as the other rhema dudes were doing the other 11 units and waiting another 10 minutes for me to finish. 

It was really inspiring to hear her so ready to converse with me. Hearing about her problems, the things she is doing, how she plans to study in a poly after her operations and telling me about how she is scare about the operation and all. To cap it off, I never expected I would be allowed to pray for her. 

Truth be told, it was challenging. I wasn't mentally prepared for the challenge. Giving out gifts without engaging in converstaions would be simple but engaging in conversations and praying for "strangers' would be absurd. Called to love.  

Well, I really don't know how to explain the thoughts going through my brain but today, God showed me how he paved a way for me to serve Him, and He showed me how he used me to build his Kingdom cause. To God be the Glory. Let me be a spirit filled man.. Or guy as I prefer.. ^^

Seasons

Seasons of pain, seasons of suffering, seasons of trouble.. Seasons don't last. 

Thus...

Oh why so downcast, oh my soul... 

Rise up to adversities, soar above circumstances.... 

Nee Soon

Its been a painful 2 weeks in Nee Soon... Suffering, suffering and waking up to more suffering... As much as things could be worse, and that I should be joyful and thankful that things ain't the worse it can be.. Its pretty bad a life to live.

Waking up each morning, breath a deep sigh, knowing that today will be another day outfield, wearing the vest and helmet under the hot sun all the way till the evening.. Carrying along a burdensome rifle along, and getting irritated with one another because we have to work together to get the job done. Yet, so many people choose not to do their part and someone else has to clear uo the mess for them. And after clearing it, you still get punished because the timing was not met. It really gets on yout nerve, especially when morale is already low and people look at fulfilling their own selfish needs. Woah.. Wait, I have to admit that there are times that I too am lazy and just sit there.. Yet, until everyone starts to work together, I will be having a horrible few months at Nee Soon. 

As I use my physical eyes and see, the future does not look good and at all slightly pleasant because some people will just refuse to be more pro active but just talk a lot. Words don't get things done!! But actions do!! Thats is why actions always speak louder than words!! 

As much as my blood is boiling in camp, and I really don't just wanna shout at people. I wanna punch and unlease my violent tendency!! And sometimes, you just want a break or to have some slack cut but well, it never happens.. 

Its been a frustrating and irritating few weeks for me. For me to actually do push up, cross sit-ups, ranger hop and flutter kicks to my max count in the night so that I can release some of the anger and frustration building up with me meaning my threshold is breaking, cracks are being revealed. Gosh, I don't know how long more of this can I take. I don't plan to hurt myself but I also don't plan to transfer or unleash my violent side onto others. My choice would be simple between the 2. But I hope I will have to choose neither. Which is pretty far-fetched and absurd because the ways things are continuing, I laugh sacaristically.

Yet, every night I think about it. I don't want to show my anger, but to speak and act like a person judged by the law that gives freedom. To be a friend to those people that others dislike. To behave like a Christian yet, I pretty much failed to do so. I don't want to let hatred and anger build although I know its building up with me already. I want to have peace in my heart to just cool down. I want a break, serenity at its best.

But as for know.... The one word echoing with me is... 

AAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!