Monday, February 11, 2019

Always Remembered

God, you know how I still feel. Its still so raw.

Still hear your voice, still remember you standing there. Still remember your smile. Still remember seeing you so weak. Still remember...You.

Monday, November 19, 2018

Exchange 2018

The dust has settled and I recall the challenges ,of being apart from home for so long, of living independently without income and of maintaining a LDR have been really difficult, and the experiences of seeing and learning new things of different cities and countries.



Perhaps its time to journal some of the journey.

I remember the thoughts as I boarded the plane left, how I prayed that God will water the seeds that have been planted. Learning I can't say goodbyes well, and that my preference not to attach myself to anything as much as possible.

I remember how I never took a plane for 3 years, since I was always occupied in Singapore, and my first time flying was to Europe alone on 22th Jan to Czech Republic without data in the middle of the night. What an experience. Always thought I was going to not make it to my hostel in time, and had no google map to use since my flight was delayed yet ending up at my hostel at 2am alone. By His grace, the experience will live with me.

I remember completing my assignments in Barcelona, staying up till 3am to complete it on a Champions league night (Barcelona vs Chelsea), and then waking up at 8.30am so that I could spend 1 hour prior to find out how to get to Montserrat and then actually going there to spend the whole afternoon and evening there.


I will remember missing our train to the airport in Paris and being stuck on the streets, trying to figure out french and googling how to get to the airport in the middle of the night. In the night when the homeless people surround you, and drunk group of people are nearby. Fearing for safety, yet being able to get to the airport safe and sound. His protection and grace upon us.

I will remember being so upset that my exams would clash with her trip to Scotland. I remember sulking in Venice, the floating city, over the fact that I was most unlikely to see her and then how I was trying my hardest to find a way to do so. Clearly my stubbornness was at work since I decided to make my way over to Inverness on the Thursday after my 4th paper, which ended at 6pm, and returned from Glasgow just in time to take my last paper at 12pm on Monday. But that crazy idea turned reality was one I would not regret. Recalling how I felt I didn't do too well for the paper as I did not exactly study the readings and worrying I won't pass. Which is the dumbest thing to do as it would have meant I wasted 6 months and not cleared a module. Yet He remain faithful, and I still got a B.


Taking a sole trip to Austria and Germany. Standing in the Alps, taking in the view and cooling air was another beauty. To see the beauty of His work. Exploring Berlin, Vienna and Munich alone... learning about the city and spending more time in the parks reading a book than bothering heading to any tourist attraction as everything had slowly started looked the same in Europe.


So many stories, so many memories but I'm still glad to be home. Closing the book, and not wanting to head back. Home is where the heart is, where surroundings are familiar, where God has placed you to have a role to play in the lives of others.

All in all, I have been to 18 countries and 37 cities. You may guess some of the place where I went.





Friday, November 16, 2018

Love I Don't Deserve

Dear God,

How blessed am I? How incredible is it that You have placed so many people that love me, and show their love to me in so many different ways. Love, I don't deserve. 

How under-appreciative, am I? As the clock ticks, and the body weakness. When life throws unexpected surprises and turns your world upside down. How can thy be so self-centred. Seeking to make the next step for thy future but failing to appreciate the sacrifice others' have made. Time so precious, and so little. 

Ministry is the privilege You have given me, but give me time to tend to those who have loved me. I entrust Your sheep into Your hands, as I will entrust those who have sacrificed much for me into Your hands. Have Your way, and hear my cry. You told me faith as small as a muster seed can move mountains. Help me believe, help me stand steadfast in You. Save those whose love I don't deserve.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Dear Seng (Army)

Dear future Seng, 

I just want you to remember a few things when you recall your memories in army.
I know you hate army. That fact will never change, I hate it now too. Don't worry, we are 2 stubborn dudes. But remember, without army:

1. You would not know how to operate the excavator, dozer, shovels. Heavy plant aka Earthmovers.

2. You would not be this skilled at driving.

3. Your mind map of the roads in SG, it wouldn't be this good if the army didn't send you to Eunos, Woodlands, Pasir Ris, Sembawang, Seletar, Yishun. Be thankful, that despite the long travel hours, you learnt something some people don't have.

4. You would not have been humbled. With your bunk mates, you saw some of your blind spots.

5. Because of the horrible locations and the constant changing of camps that never were near the west, you learnt to appreciate time.

6. You learnt to be thankful for the small blessing you found in a camp that took you 2.5 hours to go from home.

7. You matured, you learnt to be self-sufficient and think more about your future.

8. You would not have ever tasted how it was like to be involved in NDP. Stand in attention in front a sea of red.

That's just 8 things, I want you to remember.

And here is another 8 that you will recall when you are older. The day captain fantastic played his last game at Anfield as a Liverpool player and captain. #You'll Never Walk Alone.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Taiwan & Sawang

So... I should give brief updates shouldn't I?

Well, recently, I have been travelling a bit lately. To Taiwan and to Thailand.

So let's start with Taiwan. So Taiwan was a holiday with my army friends. We went for a period of 10 days? or more. Am not really putting much effort to recalling the length of the trip but it doesn't matter. More important were the memories made there which I would admit, was not as fun as my first trip there probably because it is with a larger crowd, and I have seen some of the things there before. I still managed to do some of my shopping and all. See sheeps, limestones and other sight seeing places like Sun Moon Lake. Gosh, but was the new year period a bad time. We got stuck in the jam for like almost a whole day. Leaving us with just the evening for one of the last few days.

First time at a Geopark, at a sheep farm, attending a countdown party in Taipei, and chilling at a cafe in Taiwan. Other than that, all were mainly repeats like Shilin, Like Sun Moon Lake, like XiMeng, like Night Markets and etc....

What about my thoughts on it? I personally wanted a more chill place to head of to after my exertions in the last few months of 2014. It really took a lot out of me, back to back to back stuff and event planning that came my way. I wasn't so much in the mood for shopping or to be in the company of so many people, but I would not say I did not enjoy myself there. I was just leaning more onto the beach, book, waves, silence feel rather than the city, shop, eat and play feel at that point of time.

And at the end of the day, I would remember this trip as my ORD trip with my army mates. Considering time waits for no man, I'ma free man right now. I won't be staying again with that same bunch of people almost everyday. It was fun, and we grew together during that time. I won't know when we will all meet up again considering our paths divert for now.


Next up, Thailand, Sawang. This time round, I wasn't as agog as the last time I venture there to teach English. (Not that I'm super good at the language) Simply because I have been there. I personally believe once would be enough for me. I can't deny how fulfilling the previous trip in 2013 was. I was so blessed by the kids I taught, they taught me much more. I saw many things that I would not have in Singapore, and notice those simple and genuine smile and joy they had. My main take away from 2013. 

This time round, I wasn't so sure. I again, need more or so what to expect. The difficulties I would be facing, the different food and the language barrier because I can't speak Thai, the culture, the environment and the opportunity cost I would choose to forgo if I went for it. I wanted to do the thing that needed me more, which I didn't know at the point of time when I had yet to commit. Things were different this time round, but I still ended up going for it.

Did I mention it was different this time round? I was pushed more into my discomfort zone, teaching secondary school students rather than primary school meant teaching more complicated English, which I felt inadequate to teach them properly with a huge obstacle called the language barrier. I would say the team dynamics was different, which was a given noting the different people I would be working with. It was interesting, but I'm probably more interesting after taking into consideration by personality and working style which can drive some people crazy. Also, we were interacting more with youths and not kids which it would more of a challenge for me because I would usually talk normally with youths but be more animated with kids. So without language, I am honestly surprised at how the team bonded with the youths in Sawang and everything. 

This trip made me feel emotions again, I felt touched on the last night when reality struck that we would be leaving. Not that I didn't want to leave, just that no goodbyes are ever pleasant. Perhaps why I usually never emotionally attached myself to anything, so there is nothing that can pierce me. I felt joy seeing the students had fun, satisfaction when the students understood. Trust me, I don't ever feel. I'm amazed I felt a tinge of emotions already, but I would never show vulnerability willingly. 

I observed much during the trip and wanted the chance to say this to the youths in Sawang but never got to, " I see within each one of you guys (the youths in Sawang) so much potential, how witty you guys were in how you guys ran the games with the physical limitations of the place, how you guys could interact so well with the students, how you guys treat one like brothers and sisters. I enjoy seeing you guys, looking you guys as one big family. A family that is there for each other, through the good and the bad, to grow and build one another up. A family that will continue to grow in numbers and in God." 

I felt a need to list it, because I might forget it some day. But those were my thoughts that I never got the chance to. That being said, life still goes on. Its time to switch off the switches, and flick back on those I switched off before I flew.


Sunday, September 28, 2014

Man Of God

Hm... I honestly hope that one day, I will be like that too... a man of God.

Well, I don't know what happened to the embled code or something. Just gotta click the link to youtube bah..

Skit Guys - Man of God: http://youtu.be/AS5sRvF60js

Sunday, September 14, 2014

NDP 14

NDP, every NSFs National Death Penalty.

Well, that was what I felt like I got sentenced to when I heard the news in Feb. Thinking back, I remember pretty vividly how depressed I was. Nothing could cheer me up. All that was flooding my mind was all the sacrifices that I was going to be forced to make and I had no say nor any ability to have that cup taken away from me. Sure, I knew my parents would be proud that their son would be involved in Singapore's 49th birthday when I broke the news to them, but their son was in no sense amused or being filled with a sense of pride and honour on being given the opportunity to do so. This was a death penalty in my eyes, and one that would take me a few days to be  get back into the right frame of mind.

At least the news was broken to us way in advance to allow our minds to get back into the right frame of mind. It really helped, because if I was made to jump straight into rehersals during that period of time, I would not have given a care in the world about my marching, or sub-standard marching. I was still reeling from the lost of my Saturdays. Going to D.I., dinner with the boys, playing soccer in the morning, the lack of time to practice for main service on Sundays, the inability to attend meetings at night

Well, so the journey to 9th August continues since time waits for no one. Having internal company drills, wearing IBAs (a army vest) under the hot sun to increase the risk of heat injuries. Honestly, I have no idea why we couldn't do our rehersals nor actual parade in just our No. 4? Especially when you have rehersals in the afternoon during the hottest period in the year. At least, the drills trainings were just the basics, and we had not yet when into overdrive so at least I could adapt and slowly ease myself into the groove.

Then came the NDP rehersals in Nee Soon camp. The camp where many ghost stories have been told, and where a regular was found dead just some time before or during the period when we were having rehersals at Nee Soon. And also the camp where I went through one of the hardest times of my army life. Oh gosh, just remembering how I felt doing guard duty during my course period in Nee Soon was like welfare for me, simply because I could escape the regimentation, the stand by beds and skip the morning portion of the training the next day.

So this was the start of burning away Saturdays. Booking in in the morning (at least I was allowed to drive to camp and have dinner and sleep at home on Friday nights), having to eat cookhouse food (Yucks!), going for many rehersals under the hot sun and hoping each would be the last one of the day so we could go back to send our arms and book out.

All wasn't gloomy during this period as we usually could book out early like 3pm on Fridays and by 7pm on Saturdays so at least I could attend some meetings for D.I. at night, or make some plans for the night. Also, it was nice to see familiar faces at Nee Soon, and how the whole parade was being pieced together slowly. These were the little joy that added some colour to my life. Personally looking back, I felt these Saturdays nights really helped me ease my transition to having rehersals at the Marina Bay Floating Platform, which were way longer but somewhat more rewarding.

So where are we right now? Hm... Oh yes, Nee Soon. Thus, week after week, I would go through the same routines, have the rehersals around the same timing. Celebrate occasionally when there is rain. And as time passed, that meant the arrival of the month of June, and that meant the month of D.I.namite. The experience of D.I.namite as a whole shouldn't be mixed up here, and I won't. But, the fact that both NDP rehersals and D.I.namite would fall on the same day would cause some sort of trouble for either party and thus it did. My stubborness and persistence to want to be able to oversee D.I.namite did eventually pay off but the process getting there wasn't easy. However, I would not elaborate further since, as it is a whole new story by itself. I just felt I should add it here because I felt being able to attend an event that I felt I had responsibility for, show that there is still some hope for the army. Considering I got turned down at least more than 4 times mostly without even finding out why, and how I really almost got into big trouble during the lead up to D.I.namite. #justsaying.

Let's move on to the floating platform, shall we? So the Saturdays where our whole Saturdays would be taken away had arrived. Now, it was booking in before the Sun had risen, and going back at around 10+pm each week. I don't have much to complain for this portion simply because I had already gotten used to the routine, and had already mentally prepared myself for it. Also because there was free food, and drinks up for grabs during this period which helped to keep my morale high. Wait, it was never high, it just kept it from falling in dangerous levels. Honestly, the Milo van and curry'O along with occasional KFC meals helped me not feel so upset about losing my Saturdays and partially Sundays because I would have difficulty waking up early on Sunday mornings, and would feel so tired for most of part of the day.

During this period, I would say, the full dressed rehersal of each week were the best because, I managed to witness the parachuting of the Red lions with my very own eyes. Seeing how everyone was in tuned with one another, along with the music. Knowing the squence of events. Feeling the sense of satisfaction when I hear the song that gave us the queue to march up into the stands. Seeing how the little kids so excited at seeing the soilders march during the NE shows.

And lastly the actual parade. Something happened on that day that nearly caused me not to march for the actual thing which when I think about it, I would get quite pissed but all went well, and I got my way eventually again. It was a day of anxiety for me, I was just fretting over whether I would march, I didn't feel the nerves for the parade just the in justice of the chance of not being able to march after days and months of training. The reason for the lack of nerves was probably because I never volunteered to do it anyway so I didn't care about it. It was more of a task I had to accomplish rather than an opportunity I couldn't wait to grasp. But I would say, the sense of knowing its the end was pretty nice. Sure, there was going to be mixed emotions about the end. No more free food, no more early Friday bookouts, no more Monday offs, yet this meant having my Saturdays back to myself. And knowing it impossible to be stuck in camp over the weekend because I wouldn't have to do a full day of rehersals then do gaurd duty for the whole of Sunday, which when you think about it, its quite horrible and inhumane to do so.

Its almost a month plus after it has happened, yet its not possible to express it all within a post. So much happens each week, but I only stated a few of the more prominent events that happened during this 4+ months. So many loopholes, and I'm sorry I can't better explain and express all that I went through. So oh well, read it if you want.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

My 2013 Army Essay

Oh! Hello there. Well, I recently was clearing out my trash online, and chanced upon this essay that BMT forced me to write up. Its seems good because it feels like its in a positive tone (I'm kidding, its  pretty cheesy) and seemingly neutral point of view, my defining moment in NS. Perhaps it will change by the time I get out of it, but its cool reading how I felt more than a year back.... So here it is,

My defining moment.

Could a moment fully define my whole BMT experience? Every experience is made up of so many events, so many memories that will eventually lead up to that point in your life where it gets so special, where one will remember for the rest of their lives. Thus, my defining moment was the day I stepped into Tekong, yet littered with so many other memories picked up along my BMT journey.

On 7 May 2013, it was the day that a whole new season of life begun for me. I personally believe that army will be more than just a chapter in my life because when BMT ends, it would be the end of a chapter in this new season for me. On that day, when I first took my step into Pulau Tekong, it was a step into uncertainty, of change, a step out of my comfort zone. A step that I would have preferred not to make.

Walking up the flight of stairs, surrendering my pink IC, it all happened too fast. It had not yet impacted me the severity of the act. That when I handed in my pink IC, I had pledge my allegiance to this country. This country called Singapore by others around the world, but a country I call home. However, at the moment, I still looked at myself as a civilian, walked like one, treated myself as one. My identity was of a civilian, and it had not yet been changed.

What changed my identity, what made me look at myself in the mirror and realize that 7 May 2013 had truly happened and all this was not just a nightmare, was the day I cut my hair. Having been living with my trademark long fringe since I was even in Primary school, it had become a part of me. As I walked into Pulau Tekong, I was still with my long, floppy fringe. I was still me, I was still Yue Seng. However, when the lady shaved me bald, when I felt my hair departing away from my scalp, when I saw bit of bit my hair drop onto the ground, my precious hair leaving me. There was aching in my heart because I did treasure my hair, and when it was shaved off, I lost something. I had lost a part of me. That made me wake up to reality, and the life of being a soldier. A life of sacrifices.

Not being able to sleep as long as I like, not being able to do whatever I would like when I like, to find myself having to undergo training, perspiring so much, having to much from place to place and being rushed constantly throughout the whole day.Looking at it from a neutral perspective, these sacrifices were all small things. But the biggest sacrifice I probably have made or been forced to make was time. Time that I could have spend with people that mean a lot to me, the inability to be physically be there for them. But as the saying goes, "No pain, no gain."

Therefore, my defining moment for BMT, would be the day it first began for me. But my defining moment to be soldier would be that moment I lost my trademark fringe and beloved hair.

Monday, March 3, 2014

New Year 2014?

A new year...

Hm.. I really do wonder what all the hype on counting down all about? Those counting down to a new day really such a significant act? If so, why do I not see everyone counting down everyday.

As I wrote this, I just want to let you know I have no desire to say something cliche like, "Don't count down your days, make your days count." Yawnss... I have heard that too many times.

But true enough, having the watch night service, thinking about the things that have happened in my year. I look back, and this is what I see and feel.

Year 2013 was almost a carbon copy of 2012. And I remember I have always said 2012 was a horrible year and I will pretend that I had a time lapse and it never happened. Gosh.. who am I kidding?

2 horrible years. I figure out I entering my molding phrase. The most painful. But I have no idea why can't I have a break from all these. 2 years is a short time isn't? So is 365 x2 days consider short. And almost everyday is a day you don't wanna wake up to. Thats quite easy to bear, I presume.

Reading chapter 25 of "The Purpose Driven Life", it states "Transformed by Troubles."

Yes, I realize that I was being mold during the years but the hardship during the supposedly festive period is really agonizing. Seeing everyone taking leave, having holidayd and enjoying their end of year holidays... Its like rubbing in the salt into my wounds.

Its painful to know, painful to compare.. Painful to know that unlike many people who enlisted same time with me, they passed out of their courses and are no more treated as trainees but perhaps sergants and unit men already and here I am, still a trainee.. still undergoing test and training, having to deal with stress and people trying to prick my skin, sacrificing my Christmas and New Year period while people are enjoying themselves.. its painful... I don't have the required vocabulary to properly elaborate and explain the stuff I endure.. but.. haiz...

My God mold me, and my I be willing to get molded.. to accept the unbelievable suai-ness I get in the army that it feels like a conspiracy against me.. to argh... Just do what you have to, God.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Blood

Argh... I must admit that without rest, in constant torture, punishment, pain and suffering. I seek a way out except I know that there will be no ending of this torture. I want blood, I wanna reap somebody into pieces, I wanna see blood ooze out. Destroy things, unleashing my strength on furniture bring me no relief, brings me no form of satisfaction.
Perhaps its proof that my threshold has reached in max, the fortress of tolerance and patience has collasped. All I find is rage and anger. I so wanna dish out all my anger onto someone, but how can I beat up someone with repercussion and punishment. I have no reason to speak because even if I try, I will destroy things as I speak and I get more and more angry.
I wanna smash a hole in the fence below my house, I wanna do it with the soccer ball just like old times. However, haven't I agreed to leave that game behind because of the injuries that are just part and parcel of the game?
Arghh..... I want a way out. Why? I really want to kill!!!!! I cannot find love in my heart. Its bent on rage and rebellion. I have given too much, been to nice. Now, I want to kill. I want to see.... blood.