100 Days to As

A'LEVELS ARE COMING SOON!!

Alright, its not exactly tomorrow. But its 100 days more!! Haizz.. Its so close!! Getting really stressed about it!! And my results for CT2 were bad by my standards.. So far from those As and Bs.. Well.. Hope to do well, and really need to start focusing and concentrating on As.. However, I am distracted.. :/

Happy 18th

Yawns.. I am 18 already..

Well, before I start, just wanna thank my friends for making an effort to celebrate my bday. Its better than last year when I had no celebration at all.. But, nah, not point bringing up the past.

Honestly, I am in no mood to celebrate my birthday. How can my soul celebrate what is suppose to be a joyous occasion when it is downcast? Nope, I refuse to wear a mask no more.. Can't bring myself to smile..

But still, Happy birthday to me! Welcome to the world of cigarettes, clubbing, and alcohol... I won't get wasted, its ain't me.. So no fear, being 18 still makes no different. I don't not believe that age is a limiting factor!! 

Hm.. Yet, that won't stop me from making a birthday wish.

Pragmatism

Recently, D.I was given the honour to run the sunday service!! I wasn't part of it though. Thought I could just sit back and be part of the congregation.. Then on the night before (or early sunday morning), I received an sms asking if I would share a testimony about the youth. Agreed to it.. Shared, hiccuped along the way but it made people laugh.. Oh well.. But that said, I was still "slacking" but 1 July was still slightly different.

Here is the cool part. When I was playing back all my life events as I was "preparing", I was wondering why did God put me in such an environment. I have seen so many things that many kids don't get to see in their childhood. I would like to say, it was hard growing up in such an environment. It did taught how to adapt and blend in easily, and it shaped me to very pragmatic. Then after service, a few adults approached me, telling me how encouraged they were by my testimony and how they believe God has a plan for me.. At that point, it struck me that perhaps I was meant to share my story to encourage and inspire. Yet the only reason I agreed to share was because I couldn't that it no more. All the voices in my head telling me that I am a product of my past, that I am still the same guy back then. Trying to make me to return back to my old ways. I had to get it out of my system, to tell people and myself that I am not a product of my past.. I survived it amazingly, not conforming to those ways (not fully at least..)

Then later in the service. Brother Joseph talked about moving that one more step. He gave a story of his own, on how he did not rationalize God's will. I started recalling, if whether I have been guilty of rationalizing. Guess what, countless amount of times actually, I have adopted a mindset of Pragmatism. To adapt to the environment and blend in straight away, then start climbing the ladder upwards once I accomplished task 1. To be very results orientated, hence using tried and tested methods to achieve it since I have grown up in a environment where victory is not achieved is deemed as failure. I tend to rationalize those ideas that do not make sense, and then give myself an excuse not to do that something.

Forever refusing to do something nor agreeing to do something that my mind cannot comprehend as it seems :/ Well, so it really hit me that this was a area in my life I need to work on..

Here is the link to the D.I blog post on the Youth Day: http://www.destinyimpact.net/2012/07/di-takes-over-sunday-service-on-1-july.html

Not Over You

Would update my blog on Youth Service on 1st July soon.. In the meantime, a song by the 'brothers'...

Still the Same

Haizz.. Honestly, I think I have lost.. It hurts...

I have always hated losing. I was never a good loser, and seldom a gracious one. I am still learning to be one, but sometimes you just want to win and can't accept defeat. My brain has been working on what went wrong. What was the problem?? What did I do wrong? I question, I ponder, I wonder... I hate visiting my drawing board because that the board that revisit the past, revises the strategy used and tells me, "here you go, try again." But what if there is no second chance now. As it seems, that isn't I lost a battle that I put so much effort, and time, and even money into. It was a long battle, and that makes defeat all the more worse. If you are wondering what am I talking about, and wish to find out..... Don't bother, I almost never share the matters deep down in my heart. I refuse to open up to a world that is full of change.

This world has disillusion me. This world is screwed up. Nothing much has changed my view in this month. Only made it worse. My brain is pretty crazy, churning out stuff, reviewing stuff and thinking about many things. It is interesting to observe the action of people because it tell you about them. I tend to observe the actions of my friends, and its in the small action that you realize the change.Sometimes, the person does not notice the change before me. I hate it, I hate having to constantly update myself with the times, with the change. So observe the small actions. It can be as simple as observing where a person eyes looks at, their actions and their words.  Won't tell you what I have observed, but I do dislike change. Yet change is a constant, a fact that needs to be faced!! Even I do change :(

Aside from that, I realize that deep down, I still love soccer. My medals may not define me, nor how good I play. It is just that I still love soccer. I just love to play it.. That is why I decided to play even in defense. Something I have not done for a long time in the recent get together match for the J2s.. However, that said, I do not itch to kick a ball, I just enjoy kicking it...