On The Side of Me

Fell in love with this song, even though its not being a old song, during my exam period... Realize how much truth Corrinne May song actually have... Really talented and I getting blessed ...

Hunger Awakening

Is it possible for a person to impatiently wait for something, yet trusting in God"s time and plan?

Well, Yes. But my post ain't about it but it is food for thought.

Here is a short update on my what have I been up to..

Went to Church Camp. Well, something happened in the camp. Don't know what to say, but someone within me was awaken, this self that has in a subtle way been not very evident. I was becoming really hungry for teachings/ sharing / discussion that will challenge my mind. Crazy? Maybe. But the camp was good. Note how I was experiencing intensive memory flashbacks, and thinking of stuff. Well, the only thing I will take away from the camp is the messages of the Kingdom of God, and encouragement of how Rev Ng on how he is radical. Isn't that what we want too be? Radical? I really respect Rev Timothy and Rev Ng. People rarely hear me respecting people, but I respect them man. Honestly, the message challenged me a lot, despite the fact that I have not been able to get sufficient sleep since a week ago before the camp and it has been dragging on until now. (Yes, its killing me. This IDK what, but I hope my body can last. This ain't healthy, probably going to die soon. But it doesn't matter)

Loved the challenging message. The hardest one was probably being part of a community. I am still a lone ranger. IDK why, but I am a tough nut to crack.

Leader's Advance is another one. Why, loved the discussion best! Mind-blown moments but that really what I am seeking. Threw up a few things that I have been questioning, and was given a different perspective to look at things. Hm... The Advance also taught how it is possible not to actually practice the worship set for Sunday without a keyboard but instead just worship God, trusting in Him that He will make a way. I spent the night playing the set on the guitar, and I think it helped! Haha! Kinda like the individual space I got to do it. The kitchen so super duper isolated, quite like that. Not saying that my house is small, but I seldom get "my space" that I would prefer not myspace hor!! LOL!!

But this are only two events lah, got a lot more. And this holidays does feel like a holiday, which is good. But I might have slacked a bit too much. :/

With no link at all, here is a few covers of songs done by two girls. Friends linked one of their covers, saying it was super nice. So I listen lor.. LOL...

A Bitter Pill

Did not know it would be this hard to swallow a pill.

Well, its feel horrible! Literally horrible. This holiday, I have come to realize how weak I am. Not physically, but mentally. It weird because my coaches have always said that I am one of the mentally strongest in the soccer team. Not only in JJ, but also during my spell at Hong Kah.

I have come to the realization that I give up easily. You will think I am joking, because if you seen my competitive self. Congrats, you have seen and I am going to be a fighter. However, I don't know what has happened to me recently. The absence of soccer has lead to a change? I doubt the validity of that reason. The main idea is that I am beginning to give up! For once, I am giving up. Yet, it hurts to lose. I don't think I am a gracious loser, perhaps I will be forced to learn it one day.

Very temperamental these few days too!! Caused by an upset/ heartbroken soul??

I am sadden because the situation looks bleak, hopeless and heart-wrenching! Its like a knife stabbing you, every time I witness it. Haizzz... I am in a way angry, not sure why. I can sense anger, but I don't show it. The shock absentee is the strong desire to fight on. Alright, the desire is there. But I don't feel like getting back up and going to fight in the battle field. I am fighting a losing battle. The odds are on me, the circumstance are against me, the main influences are all against me. I ask myself, "Continue fighting on for what?!"

I would love to enter the battle fight until and knowing that I will, I crawl out of it VICTORIOUS with I want, but thats unlikely, the results looks almost confirmed. So why get back in there? Yet, I have a desire to fight on, but I trying to convince that small part of me not to. I poison myself with lies, to make me give up. I force myself to not do anything about it.

Sometimes I ask, "Why!! Why does it feel like it is always me?? It seems to always happen to me!!" and I wonder whether I will ever get what I want...

6 June

Got no Title for this.

Well, been thinking so much. Thoughts keep flying away. I just seat in the back seat and watch everything unfold. After Bynes asked me about soccer, I just feel like blogging on it.

When people asked me out of the blue, "do you still play soccer?" I tell them no. Then they keep probing, "not even for leisure?" Some ask do you even watch soccer now?

To all those questions the answer is no. Unbelievable but true. I have changed. Don't feel like watching, don't feel like touch the ball. But this is even crazier, I don't even bother reading up soccer news, ain't interested in being constantly updated because it wouldn't make a difference. Its weird, my soccer friends couldn't believe it. I didn't touch a ball for about 2 months already, except for the testimonial match and the step down for the J2s. I believe some others can't believe it too now that they have heard or read it.

Perhaps some of you are doubtful, just thinking I have no time to play. But I just turned down opportunities to play soccer with my friends despite having my holidays now. Went with my friend to study at Macs, was asked if I was itching to play soccer. To his surprise, my answer was no. Things change, don't they?

Even soccer is not a constant to me. Could anyone think of me without drawing a link to soccer? Probably not. This is absurd, logic defying facts! I would like to think I am just not myself these days but I really doubt so.

All An Illusion.

To me, everything is a illusion. Everything. Everywhere I walk now, its all an illusion. Yet it is reality. Something, I need to face. "Must I face it? Or can I just run away?"

I would kindly prefer running away. I love to sleep, because I enter into nothingness. No dream, no worries, no daunting facts and truths opposing you, no pain. Its almost wonderful compared to living in this world which has no more meaning. Sadly, I don't get proper nights rest. Been going on for awhile, I hope my body doesn't fail me.

Oh how I hate it when I awake, staring at the things of the world. Look, staring at the night sky, the sunrise and sunset, the plants on Earth, I classified under them. Everything I see with my 2 physical eyes, is things of the world. Usually, I find encouragement to press on when I look at them, now, I doubt its real. I am skeptical of everything. The motives of people, their actions and all. You don't know what they are thinking, you are unsure of their motives, you are unsure whether they are going to trick you or not. How sincere are they? Or are they just doing it to achieve a 'prize'? Some may turn me to the bible saying that we should not expect to have a favor returned, but how sure are you that even Christians are not like that. Hence I can even say I doubt people would say to be "concern". I am skeptical of everything.

So how real were they? Was it real, or all a lie? Was what I experienced genuine, or a fantasy? I question why God does it let happen? Is He play around with me? Spare me the pain man! It would have been better had nothing happened before, so that there would be nothing to feel for. Locking myself in my room feels like the best method, because you don't have to go out into this dark dark world anymore but I won't do that. I got to train to rule the new Heaven and Earth with God one day.

What I once thought it would be, its not. There isn't much to say. Everything is changing. Change is a constant, isn't it? But this change will change everything I ever knew was real. It would mean being left behind if I do not conform.

I really wish God will let me get into an accident and I go into a coma or lose my memory. Everything single bit of it all. Hating how I can't forget memories made with others, it just makes me think. Sure enough, it is a double-edged sword. I just want to stop everything. I don't want to watch everything around me change. Recall every event that happened in my life before and question it.

Why the disillusion then? I got a lot to talk about but shall continue no more. My mind is crowded with much.

Change is a constant

Times change, people change. When people do, so do their priorities, their valued things. Its just makes everything different. It feels so foreign to me, like this isn't what I know! I am lost, can't deny it.

So what am I expected to do, constantly try and keep up with the change people make? I am actually getting sick of it.

One day, things will be memories. But what is even worse is that the memories fade away after awhile. So many people do not remember it anymore yet I don't why, but I do. Having a good memory isn't really beneficial. My memory does not work on studies, just moments in my life aka events. So why ain't it beneficial? It hard to forget stuff that you want to forget. Its tough to take that knife and cut the strings that are still clinging on, the arteries that keep it running.

It works both ways, everything in this world seems to. Its a double-edged sword. if you ain't careful, someone will get hurt... But its even worse when a person is hurt because of you but you do not know..