Demotivated

Read this sermon that Scarlet shared, and well, there was this portion that wrote,

"Attitude really matters, doesn’t it? It can make the difference between a good day and a bad day, a good marriage and a bad marriage, perhaps even a good life and a bad life. Chuck Swindoll says, "Words can never adequately convey the incredible impact of our attitude toward life. The longer I live the more convinced I become that life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we respond to it."

Well, isn't that true?? Life won't get any easier, but its our attitude towards things that could determine the outcome.

Perhaps that is what God wants me to learn? I don't know. So many problems, so troubled. Its like wave after wave, without end. But its not the problem, its my attitude on how I want to overcome them.

Going to rant abit, but perhaps you might understand snip-lets of whats is happening?

I really do not know what to do. I don't want to ask for things to be easier, but if things do get tougher, I will just have to get through it. Things I value, things that I have been tasked to do, when they it all looks gloomy, it all looks like they is little hope and you have so little control over them. It was a bitter pill to swallow, really painful that at times there is only so much you can do, and really vexed when you are at a lost, not knowing what to do, how much longer you will have to endure.

Even teachers that are not close to me, told me and a few others that its very obvious that we are very demoralized. I can't disagree, its true. Its a bitter pill to swallow, it was like a knife has been used to stab my fragile heart. But that not the only problem. Its like Uno stacko, except its problem instead of Uno blocks that are stacking up. (Still restraining from asking for things to be easier, just hope I won't be dealt a more severe blow.)

Events I can't control, but the emotional hurt that I suffer is something I have a control over. I might sound crazy, but I rather have the blood continue to trickle down. I don't want to let time pass by and let it heal, because if it does, I will just reopen it. It has become my sense of motivation, the desire to release all the pain, to make amends, to prove myself worthy. Even if I have not done much wrong in some things, while I am perhaps fully accountable to some of them. What done has been done, I can't change the past, but I can only determine the future.

If normal on-lookers can observe the lack of motivation, the hurt that I have been trying to suppress, to keep within a lid, bottle it all inside of me, then it got to be looked into big time. Carrying a fake smile, or a sad face everywhere isn't going to help anything. I said I will bounce back, I got something to prove but it has to wait for the right time to release all the pain...

As I wait, it shall be. When the time arrives, I will be ready to rectify the wrong, not short of motivation to prove myself and let the dark skies over me be less grey. I need to change my attitude, no more self-pity, but its seeking 'revenge' first, then I will turn my attention to the other problems I face. Its time another self take controls. One that is highly determined to accomplish the task before hand, to make things right again even if it comes as a cost.

But right now, its about looking at things from a different perspective and finding a reason to wipe that frown off my face and my friends faces!

Mauling by ACJC

Some days, there are up and on some, there are down... Some days, you will be happy, some days depressed. I realize how funny soccer is . It can bring you joy then it can just make you super depressed in less than a week. You can be at top form on one day and play like shit the next.

Soccer. Such a complex word. Non-soccer players don't comprehend the game, even soccer players can't comprehend it fully. Haizz...


Can't deny, how depress I feel. I promised to quit competitive football after this year, to take care of my degrading body. But will I be able to do that? Today, I admit, that time is running out. This year is really the last year. I told none of my teammates, only I know deep down in my heart that every moment I can be on that pitch could be my very last. Well, suffered a mauling, qualification does not favour JJC no more. 10 April could be my last. Really can't describe this feeling. Perhaps no one understand, no one will feel the immense pain. I would love to delayed the end, doing everything in my control to extend it... Then when it truly ends, I got a feeling I will need a shoulder.

We all know God has plan, I don't know what He has in stored for me. His will be done, not mine. At times, His will could be a bitter pill to swallow....

But hey, its not the end. Yue Seng always bounces back. Never accepts defeat. That is me.

Was I a fool?

Was it noble or an act of foolishness?

Well, until now, I still can't decide between the two. What I did in the RJ match, was it worth it? I really don't know, all I know is that I am suffering the consequences of it.. It was a Dejavu moment when I collapsed on the pitch, probably once in a lifetime thing too.. Haha! All I remember was the referee's back was facing me, then I blanked out for awhile, then I coughed and woke up again to see a lot of people around me. Then I got carried off lah, felt really dizzy... Oh ya, we won the match btw.

Many of my teammates asked me after the game if I was alright. I feel the bromance yo! haha!! They all said I gave them a scare. Feeling like a master-troller now.. Haha!! They all knew I was sick before the match, even my coach knew. But I still started the match, interestingly to my surprise. Then my health got worse and worse as the match went on, but being stubborn. I didn't want to signal to my coach to take me off. I wanted to play... So now, I am suffering :(

Well, in a way, I can't take deep breath, like there is discomfort when I do so. Imagine yourself after a run, you will be breathing heavily right? that the breathing that I have discomfort now.. OMG, so much discomfort for me!! >.< Then on Saturday, I blew my nose. Usually its just mucus right, either transparent or green (flu), my was a interesting colour of red! :O Blood sio, totally likeaboss. I think I am going to die soon.. :/ Also have been coughing a lot, like can cough until it feels like your lungs are going to come out. Then body aches, headaches and all..

But still, despite all these consequences, I am thankful I am alive and not dead. The event really taught me the importance of having your heart beat and your nose inhaling air. Yet, I won't condemn my actions saying I was a fool, or was I? I still can't decide, you know!

After the match, people were congratulating me on a job well done, and then told me to rest well/ take care, some saluted me for the fact that I threw my life on the line today. Even my teacher praised me for my actions. Yet, there are some people who think I was a fool, putting my life in danger. Honestly, there are some parts of me thinking I was a fool and also some that think I did the right thing. I am confused right now, so confused. Can't afford to be when I take myself to the pitch.. :/ Need an answer..

Hate having two views, two different views. I am a blur sotong!!! >.<

Is Dating for Me?

Hi peeps!

Today, Pastor Raymond talked about dating. I know, I know, most you will probably think me and dating don't go well in a sentence especially if there a not not presence in it! Haha! Was late for D.I today unintentionally though. Took drowsy medicine and slept from 11 to 3.30.. GG.. Ya, then tio chu stunt when arrived. Frankly speaking, all I saw when I stepped in was LEGO!! Weee!! And not the question the screen posted! Seriously, I show you the poster..

Seriously, don't you stare at the LEGO!! OMG! Childhood moments yo!! Do realise that it is a Storm trooper actually, without its helmet! Haha! For Star Wars fan lah, just saying..

Well, what Pastor Raymond said and talked about today, it helps me understand why some people want to get into a relationship. Seeing so many of  my friends doing so, and getting hurt in the process.. Understanding it better, and learning not to judge...  Pastor talked about how some people don't get to enjoy the love they crave for hence abusing Eros love and ending up getting hurt or something. So i learnt something today!! Hehe!!

Here a nice picture that depicts reality. We all want to go to Heaven, don't we? We all try ways and means to get there, to reach the other side where they say the grass is greener, where life is wonderful and all, but our humans eye don't seem to come to the realization that there is already a bridge linking us to Heaven, and its the only way there. Some try to swim across, jumping of the cliff and into the fire. See how narrow the path is that leads to heaven too, and how its people of different sizes walking on the bridge! God doesn't despise! Its His creation yo! He won't judge, and we should follow suit. Nice right!

Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me. John 14:5-7  

“Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Luke 6:36-38 

March holidays 2012

Yo dudes!!

CTs are over!! Yup!! Not really confident about the results though, nor am I looking forward to getting back the results!! Didn't have the best preparation for it but hey, "God will provide!"

Well, I am too lazy to blog about KL, or my CTs or how my holidays were spent in detail leh... Just lazy! LOL! But honestly, I would say the holidays were well spent not studying! Haha! But I love to spend my holidays just relaxing, and the best place to do so is in nature for me! Love the fact I could explore Woodlands Waterfront this holiday!! Hehe!! A night spent under the stars, flying a kite, and above the waters!!
Then Sentosa was fun, just fun! A great time spent just getting dirty, going crazy and all! Haha!!

In a way, it was a good way to return into my normal lifestyle of studies and soccer. Finished my CTs but academics doesn't stop there! Tmr, I have a soccer match!! Yup, A'div season starts tmr!

But now, I shall blog. Well, during the CTs, I have been ill. Coughing until it feels like my lungs are going to be coughed out, running nose that was real nasty, and a headache evident during the examinations! Eeks!! Mind was also always drifting away about the RI match tmr! Well, have been trying to get well. Attempts not really successful, but I really want to play tmr's game!

In a way, I feel uncomfortable, having breathing-difficulties, and I am really afraid, if I do risk myself, I will suddenly not be able to breathe and you know what happens after... But I really really want to play! I am so agog for it, that it would such a waste. I want to challenge the top schools and show them what I have got! Its a great chance tmr, hoping to recover more and more before I risk myself tmr. Lets hope I don't die.. :/

KL reflections.

Hi all, havent had much time to blog! Too lazy to blog about KL, but here were some reflections I wrote back in KL... You might not understand, but I won't edit it. Need to mug for CTs...

Forgive. Pretty easy to say, extremely hard to do.

Well, I am finding it really hard to forgive now. Played our first soccer match today, and I was being marked, and wrestled. Yes, wrestled! Who holds you by the neck and drag you to the ground? Who inserts his studs into your leg until there are marks. Who gives you at your knee, threatening my chances of playing one last season. Who tackles you until u can somersault in the air?

Haizz... Was really angry, and it affected my game. Well, the guy did say sorry at the end. But it was very obvious he was out to injure me, even my coach and teachers could tell while watching the match. my face was blacken.

But honestly, it really is hard to do so. Especially during the match. If I managed to forgive him and concentrate on the match, I could have played better. Something to work on perhaps, ain't angry at him no more but would you have been if you were in my shoes? Would you be angry at someone who is out to harm you?

Endurance. Perseverance. Hardworking. When you are tired, would you keep on working ad hard, running like as if your life was hanging by the thread?? I just realise, I am not loving playing my game. Just watching my performance, and I realise I walk a lot in the match. Like as if I am taking a stroll.

And I reflected why. Why am I walking and not running? Why am I so individualistic, and not having that "my team needs me" mindset? I realize I lack motivation. I need to break out of the "star player" mentality, because its not all about me. When I am tired, I am too lazy to help out. I don't push myself, instead slack away. I am not motivated to help, to play soccer. When I was younger, I would run like a crazy horse/dog in the field. Right now, I just sprint down the line 4 times and walk back. Its really something I need to work on. Shooting, another aspect of the game, I seem to have lost touch. Now, all my shots seems to miss the target. A huge difference from the 7 goals in 7 matches I managed in the MI19er tournament. I have scored 13 goals, perhaps more already, but I am on a goal drought now. In a way, its a blow to my confidence. Shooting, something I need to regain. That deft touch, that clinical strike that could prove a difference between two teams.

Pre KL trip 2012

Hi guys! Going to KL today! Or in less than 6 hours from the time I started blogging.

Nope, I am not excited. Not at all. Instead, I feel a bit sadden. I don't really want to leave Spore, not because I love Spore. I just don't see the point in going overseas to train. People say its a good experience, its fun, its enriching. I say I am bored of going overseas to train. So we go over there to play soccer, lose to stronger team. Get motivated for awhile to train harder and then the motivation dies off.

I know some people who love to be in my shoes, to get out of Spore. But seriously, to KL onli -.- I have my CTs to take when I return, should probably just flunk it. And I am getting bored of going overseas every single year since Sec 1!! Can I have a break, I want to go oversea, don't misunderstand me, but not for soccer training and matches! So I am not really excited but I shall not be a spoil brat and destroy the mood in the camp.

I know I have other reasons not wanting to leave! Really going to miss Nicholas when he leaves for China on 12 March. Rather sad that I won't be unable to send him off, but what to do. Soccer somemore -.- An athletes has to sacrifice, doesn't he? It just another one of the sacrifices I have to make. Haizzz... Wish I had a choice.

Still rebuilding if you want to know. And this doesn't help actually, just makes me feel worse. :( And I won't be blogging about the Hwa Chong match though. But after that game. My arm, left leg and chest was bleeding, got elbowed in my chest, couldn't really breathe properly. Had 4/10 toes having internal bleeding. Ya, the usual as it seems. Gotta go, KL awaits.

Fighting back

We crumble at times, don't we?

Well, I crumbled rather recently. Shouldering so many things, trying to carry them by my own strength. I crumbled, I broke down.

It took me awhile to regroup. I kept telling myself, I don't have the time to regroup. But not regroup, trying to push on when your fuel is E is pretty hard. Unproductive, inefficient, not being me.

It was hard pulling oneself together. Losing that strong willpower I that many people know I possess (actually, my willpower is way more evident during soccer matches), it was hard to push on. I really had to dig deep. Understand, and find a reason to fight back. It was really hard to find one. Really really hard. Don't worry, I didn't self-inflict injuries on myself.

But thank God, literally, that He gave me a reason to fight on! To bounce back! I am still in a rebuilding period. Rebuilding myself, my thinking and all. I might not be as mentally tough right now, but I know I will return to being a near stubborn little boy. Haha!! Back to being me. I still lack motivation in many things now, but like see how I fare in my lifestyle right now.

Its the survival of the fittest here, Perhaps the best habitat to cultivate the willpower again. Lets see how I fare in today's soccer match against Hwa Chong.

Pull Yourself together, dude. You need to.

Trance

Out of trance. Need to blog before, I dissappear into it.

Not myself, been kept in a trance....

I don't know why. I don't know what I am feeling. Hurt? Anger? Pain? All I know it that I don;t want to go home. I just want to sit and blank out into space or just cry. Can't stop crying. And just sit, and cry. Lost my will to fight, to want to bounce back. I am tired. I contemplate lead poisoning myself (haven't done so yet though)

Its like a soldier, disarming himself before the enemy. The enemy points the gun at me, I just disarm myself, giving him my gun. Even when my fellow soldier see me, they try to help me. I shout at them saying, "No". I have lost the will to fight, I am waiting for the final blow. Don;t want to fight back, it not me. I never give up, but now, I just don't care. Don't care about everything.

On a side note, I am pretty fed up at how people think I am the most free person on Earth, in which they can book my rare free time (I got no such thing as free time yea, its all sacrificed -.-) then say they can't make it. @$&(@&$@&?#(?^!#&$(!@# lah! I know I super duper free lah, but I getting fed up of this. I should make people try and fit into my so empty schedule until there is no such thing as a free slot lah! Walao eh! I am just irritated! Just ranting.

Then again, Pain. Is the pain worth it. Blood is thicker than water. Know that someone is going to leave you soon, so soon and you can't say goodbye because you are going overseas. Regret, hurt. Is it all worth it, the sacrifices. Right now, I think they are no more worth it. No one understands the difficulty, do they! No one gives a s*** actually.

I hate myself right now. I know I need to pull myself together, but I have lost my will to fight back. The trance you ask? Its detachment. Someday, a close friend will be a mere stranger. A passion will be just an activity. Its a process. The bomb is ticking, I just lit it up.... Period.

Release of Chinese As

Chinese A'level results were released today! And so was the A'level result today!!!

Well, I know I should blog about it but first, I need to reveal the other song that was upon my heart. And I have realized why it was.



Take a look at the lyrics as you listen to the song..


Verse:
You are the source of life
I can't be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of You

My heart is Yours for life
I need Your hand in mine
No one else will do
Lord I put my trust in You

Chorus:
I need You Jesus to come to my rescue
Where else can I go?
There's no other Name by which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow You

My heart is Yours for life
I need Your hand in mine
No one else will do
Lord I put my trust in You

Bridge:
This world has nothing for me (I will follow You)

I needed God. By no means would I be able to pass chinese. Honestly, want to know how 'well' I do for my Chinese in J1? Have a look then..

Well, this is perhaps my standard of Chinese! My Chinese has always been this shitty! Yes, not lying. These are my results for all the tests I have taken in my JC life until the A'level paper. Well, instead of telling you result now, lets talk about the lead up yea?

Remember the word, Faith. Honestly, I am finished with worrying over results. What is the point of feeling all nervous and scare of something that you have no control over anymore. The only thing I can do is PRAY. Nothing else. I am been wondering of worrying is a sign of doubting. By worrying, are you doubting what God has done, or what He will do? By worrying, are you not saying that you don't trust God? Just a thought yea..

But to the story. This week, people have been asking me or telling me how worried they are for their results. Then when asked, I say, " I will wait till the day comes to decide if I am scare anot." Hahaha! Why?Hasn't God talked about mountain moving faith. That we must not doubt Him. If I told my friends, "I has scare I get a U sia." In a way, Am I saying I don't trust God enough to say even before it happens, I will pass lah. That sense of confidence or arrogance, does it show that I believe in my God that He will turn up and cook up a miracle? I have been holding on to this verse for this whole week.

Matthew 21:21

New King James Version (NKJV)

²¹ So Jesus answered and said to them, “Assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what was done to the fig tree, but also if you say to this mountain, ‘Be removed and be cast into the sea,’ it will be done.

And the song I just shared has been upon my heart. Or it just came to me. I cannot deny I was never in doubt because I am human. I am not in control, and I will feel insecure. I have prayed to God for the results as early as January yo!! LOL! Prove of my fear! But I don't know just why, when everyone is feeling the heat now, I am feeling nothing.

The day before, my friend asked me, "you know tmr result release right? You don't look stressed or afraid sia." And my dad was there too! LOL! Honestly, its more visible to see my dad more worried about my results than I was. I was just like, "orh". Like nothing big happened leh, or got nothing to fret about. I don't know if you call this the peace of God. I remember feeling really at peace during my Promos period last year, when I did not even revised fully everything and had the possibility of retaining then I promoted miraculously. I felt clam this time. But more of the heck care kind of feeling actually. And I wonder why.

I have attempted to come up with a theory for it leh! I believe that the more we think of something that is not in our control, we will start to worry, start to doubt God. And if I doubt, my mountain may not moved and I will stuck with Chinese A'level again! Coz must retake -.- So if I more or so, heck cared, and didn;t bother about, I will not doubt God's ability to rescue me. And when I start to doubt, I will start humming the tune of the song, or singing it when I am all alone.

The first line of the chorus. I need you Jesus, come to my rescue. When I sing it, I can tear. Honestly, I can or I will. I am afraid, no doubt. And today, as I watched the live screening of the results. Watching how people are tensing up as the minute ticks and we draw nearer and nearer to the awaited moment. And me, sitting in the LT eating his Subway cookies, then going to sleep after he has done so. HAHA! I think I sper epic. People tweeting how scare they are. I didn't feel anything. I somehow believed that I passed. I remember telling one of the Chinese teacher or the CL HOD that I won't be attending Chinese lesson no more. And true enough, I won't need to attend anymore lessons....


I PASSED!!!!!! Don't ask me how? I don't know what I was doing to the paper on that day, I remember how I could whack idioms on that day of the examination and I was like, "I don't even know what this mean" and still whack it. I passed, and its is really ALL God. Nothing more, nothing less.

Truly, ALL GLORY TO JESUS. He did everything, cause if this was done by my own strength. I would see a U there now. Haha!! On a sidenote, I passed my oral too, so I can speak Chinese de hor!! Don't plap play hor! Hehe!! ^^