Trance

Out of trance. Need to blog before, I dissappear into it.

Not myself, been kept in a trance....

I don't know why. I don't know what I am feeling. Hurt? Anger? Pain? All I know it that I don;t want to go home. I just want to sit and blank out into space or just cry. Can't stop crying. And just sit, and cry. Lost my will to fight, to want to bounce back. I am tired. I contemplate lead poisoning myself (haven't done so yet though)

Its like a soldier, disarming himself before the enemy. The enemy points the gun at me, I just disarm myself, giving him my gun. Even when my fellow soldier see me, they try to help me. I shout at them saying, "No". I have lost the will to fight, I am waiting for the final blow. Don;t want to fight back, it not me. I never give up, but now, I just don't care. Don't care about everything.

On a side note, I am pretty fed up at how people think I am the most free person on Earth, in which they can book my rare free time (I got no such thing as free time yea, its all sacrificed -.-) then say they can't make it. @$&(@&$@&?#(?^!#&$(!@# lah! I know I super duper free lah, but I getting fed up of this. I should make people try and fit into my so empty schedule until there is no such thing as a free slot lah! Walao eh! I am just irritated! Just ranting.

Then again, Pain. Is the pain worth it. Blood is thicker than water. Know that someone is going to leave you soon, so soon and you can't say goodbye because you are going overseas. Regret, hurt. Is it all worth it, the sacrifices. Right now, I think they are no more worth it. No one understands the difficulty, do they! No one gives a s*** actually.

I hate myself right now. I know I need to pull myself together, but I have lost my will to fight back. The trance you ask? Its detachment. Someday, a close friend will be a mere stranger. A passion will be just an activity. Its a process. The bomb is ticking, I just lit it up.... Period.