All An Illusion.

To me, everything is a illusion. Everything. Everywhere I walk now, its all an illusion. Yet it is reality. Something, I need to face. "Must I face it? Or can I just run away?"

I would kindly prefer running away. I love to sleep, because I enter into nothingness. No dream, no worries, no daunting facts and truths opposing you, no pain. Its almost wonderful compared to living in this world which has no more meaning. Sadly, I don't get proper nights rest. Been going on for awhile, I hope my body doesn't fail me.

Oh how I hate it when I awake, staring at the things of the world. Look, staring at the night sky, the sunrise and sunset, the plants on Earth, I classified under them. Everything I see with my 2 physical eyes, is things of the world. Usually, I find encouragement to press on when I look at them, now, I doubt its real. I am skeptical of everything. The motives of people, their actions and all. You don't know what they are thinking, you are unsure of their motives, you are unsure whether they are going to trick you or not. How sincere are they? Or are they just doing it to achieve a 'prize'? Some may turn me to the bible saying that we should not expect to have a favor returned, but how sure are you that even Christians are not like that. Hence I can even say I doubt people would say to be "concern". I am skeptical of everything.

So how real were they? Was it real, or all a lie? Was what I experienced genuine, or a fantasy? I question why God does it let happen? Is He play around with me? Spare me the pain man! It would have been better had nothing happened before, so that there would be nothing to feel for. Locking myself in my room feels like the best method, because you don't have to go out into this dark dark world anymore but I won't do that. I got to train to rule the new Heaven and Earth with God one day.

What I once thought it would be, its not. There isn't much to say. Everything is changing. Change is a constant, isn't it? But this change will change everything I ever knew was real. It would mean being left behind if I do not conform.

I really wish God will let me get into an accident and I go into a coma or lose my memory. Everything single bit of it all. Hating how I can't forget memories made with others, it just makes me think. Sure enough, it is a double-edged sword. I just want to stop everything. I don't want to watch everything around me change. Recall every event that happened in my life before and question it.

Why the disillusion then? I got a lot to talk about but shall continue no more. My mind is crowded with much.