My Common Test have ended!! Yes, so quickly!! It just lasted 3 days, but that is not what I am bitterly disappointed in how I did it though it is a major disappointment.. *Contradiction, yeah? Wait*
It lasted 3 days because:
Monday was Chinese and Math paper!! Oh sigh!! Chinese was a pretty sad paper.. I failed to complete it and I did not even do the first question because I did not know how to!!?? :( But hopefully, I will pass my Maths and I did study for math!! :(
On Tuesday, it got worse. I had econs and biology!! Well, I hope I can pass it!! I did not manage to finish the whole paper!! :/ But I did study for it!! However, I can't say the same for biology!! I did not touch biology at all for the whole holidays!! So I wrote pure crap for it!! Can imagine Hui Wen nagging at me liaoz!! Ahaha!! But really, a U seems like the only possibility.. God, please intervene!! I really need divine intervention!!
On Tuesday, it got worse. I had econs and biology!! Well, I hope I can pass it!! I did not manage to finish the whole paper!! :/ But I did study for it!! However, I can't say the same for biology!! I did not touch biology at all for the whole holidays!! So I wrote pure crap for it!! Can imagine Hui Wen nagging at me liaoz!! Ahaha!! But really, a U seems like the only possibility.. God, please intervene!! I really need divine intervention!!
On Wednesday, this is when the CTs can make me cry! Sigh.. Chemistry!! Ohno!! Another subject I did not touch at all in the whole holidays!! and wow!! I think I am a goner!! :(
Lets talk about the less serious matter, like my highly possible results:
GP: S?? (God help me!)
Chinese : U?? (God, help me!)
Biology: U?? (God, help me!)
Chemistry: U?? (God, help me!)
Maths: D/E?? (God, I believe I can get better)
Econs: D/E?? (God is stronger, believe!!)
Oh well!! God, please help me!! Please really help me!!
Sigh.. Looking back at CTs.. I realize how weak my faith in Christ in. (Yes, I am showing you how vulnerable I am!!)
I kept saying I am screwed, I cant do it! I am lousy and such!! And How I hate this!! I feel bitterly disappoint in myself!! Yes, I always knew that I lacked self-confidence. I have never believe I was good in anything before, that includes soccer! I never believed I deserved to play first team football for Hong Kah in Sec 2! I never believe I was good enough... *shocked aren't you?* But it is not about how I feel like I am worthless (literally), but how I behaved like as if my god was small God. How I made him look like a DOG rather than a GOD! ARGH!! I am bitterly disappointed in myself!!
Isn't my God greater?
- Our God by Christ Tomlin
Isn't my God so great, than he is indescribable that he is so great!!
- Indescribable and How Great is our God by Chris Tomlin and Hillsong respectively.
Isn't our God, God.. the one who rose from the grave? The one who created the Earth? The one who made me in his image?
ARGH!! I can't take this!! I can't take how weak my faith showed to be! Thus, of course I plan to do something about it! Faith is needed in order to please God. So help!!
I have also been reflecting on Pastor Den Kuan words (hope, I spell correctly).. I know and I believe are two different words!! And how I realize they indeed are..
I realise how much I know the bible but how I don't really believe the bible!! Oh God, I want to believe!! I realize how I failed to believe that my God would be there for me, I did not believe it. I felt like i was fighting my battle alone.. Always alone.. I failed to see my lack of belief!! I want to start believing! I want to start believing! I just wanna believe, oh lord!! I want!! I now think I really need my R&R time to myself!! I need to rethink and refocus!! My head has been turned, my heart in a different place... I wanna come back to the heart of worship...
"Oh God, forgive me for my lack of faith, for my lack of belief in you. Despite how others encouraged me, i failed to heed their words... I failed to believe that you were there for me. and right now, I feel disgusted with myself.... Father, my lack of belief in you needs to be rectified. God, I pray that you help me in my CTs. They are no more within my control. I uplift into your hands. You are God, you don't have to prove it to me. I don't need signs and wonder. I just need you back in my life. I just need you to be there for me.. I just need you, I just want you... I pray that I will pass all of them. Faith like a muster seed was all that was enough. Father, I pray you search my heart and will be able to find that faith within me. I pray that I will pass!! ALL OF THEM!! ALL!! LET NONE BE AN EXCEPTION!! Oh GOD!!! You are GOD!! I pray more importantly, that my faith abound within this weak mind and self.. Help me oh Lord.....
Search my heart, heal the wound, destroy the strongholds and tear down the walls! Amen!"
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