Because the Broken...

Hi peeps... Well, April has been a horrible month, and I consider that a understatement of the month. Its been a painful month. I don't plan to elaborate because it will take a very long time to. Its was not a roller coaster, it was a plane whose engine had malfunction and it was plummeting down to Earth at an accelerating quick pace.

Been asking why has a these happened to me! Like WHY!!?? I can't comprehend. When u love someone, you would want them to be happy don't you?? Why take away the joy, the thing that I tend to seek refuge in, or to vent my anger through....

And the reply I got, "Because the Broken will listen...."

It was the answer to the Sahara Desert. To listen to the tour guide, or the only One that could lead me out of the desert and not get lost like the Jews who were send into wilderness and died there. And I realize that listen was just the first step into a huge challenging and trying period of my life.

I thought the answer ended with just one dot, not a few... I thought it was because the broken will listen period. Instead, I have been enlightened that it was not period but to be continued.

So what is the next part? Because the Broken will obey and will trust. Its the moulding period. The potter hand wants to move. Sadly, it is the hardest thing to do.. I feel like Jonah, I related to Jonah. I don't want to do it. Simply just that. I hope you know the story of Jonah, how he refused to go to Nineveh. God forced him there in the end. But know this Jonah was as good as died when he was swallowed by the big fish, but then was a alive again when he got out. I am not dead, but I asked to surrender things that I do not want. I find it real hard to obey. To give up the things that you hold on so dearly. To just give up and walk away. After all I have done, give up and walk away?!?! Like What?!? The challenge to forfeit my desires, to change my character and attitudes, to modify my thinking, to cause a 180 degree turn. Being ask to destroy the egos. Its asking me to kill myself, to totally surrender. Well, might sound easy but it really ain't so for me. I love being in control, having some control over things but to give up my rights to do so is hard. Its killing me, total surrender has been my stumbling block.

To make this tall order even harder to overcome, the farewell was unpalatable. Instead, I felt it was the worse kind of farewell. It leaves a bitter after-taste, it makes me want to return to set the records straight, to make the wrongs right. And that desire is really strong! The temptation to give in to the desire is strong. Its easy, the offers have been coming at me. They always say once opportunity are gone, they don't return. Which makes me wonder even more.... So many things have been happening, so many thought provoking questions being asked, so many internal struggles fighting it out.

Its emotional draining, its mentally painful. I am in a way physically present but never mentally presented. I have been transported into a world where I watch the battle. I can't believe that I see a full grown beast in the red corner, with red angry eyes, buff body (actually, its buffer than buff, its like the body-builder's kind), and that look on its face, you know you don't wanna mess with it, its looks like it can kill. When I saw it, I knew who that was.

Here is some background. I know no one know about this. I am sorry, it is me, I keep so much to myself. When those chains that broke, I knew it would be uncontrollable. Thought I took the right measure, letting it experience defeats. Sadly, it still grew stronger, and worse. When the chains broke, I was beginning to confront players when provoked, making tackles and irritating people on person provoking them. The ego. Sure, I become a total different person once the whistle blew because it has been expressed, I can go back to being me. Not an egoistic person but just guy that on an adventure. On the side note, it was super duper hard trying playing soccer for the last two matches in A'div (against TPJC and DHS) because I was one card away from suspension. You need to know how I was scolded by my coach when I did something unnecessary that could get me a card. Haizz..

In the blue corner, we have the Father who wants to battle the beast to get his son back. The battle is really torturing especially when you do it in a human's body. Every time, I want to draw near, its going to start fighting. Of course the opposition in the blue corner is stronger, but the fighter on the red corner has really strong defending methods. I can put it into another visual image but I am too lazy to. Those defense walls have been set up, they are strong man! The worse part, I know when those walls are erected because I am the venue.

While the battle takes place, other things are happening. Honestly, questions have been popping up. Love, what is it? Scars, why do they exist? Emotions? So many thought provoking question, that have made me seek answers. Asking for people's opinion, reading up people's thought via the internet, and observing people's actions and words. Well, I am definitely still in the process of seeking answers.

By the time you reach this sentence, you probably should get lost, or blur. Haha!! So what is the bottom line? Hm.. I am not myself no more? I found out much about myself in April, my immaturity, and more.. As I try to rectify the problem, I realise I am become less full of life. I kinda am torturing myself, but let it be. It not like I will die from the torture right? So ya, have been told to take of the mask, stop deceiving people. Some are good actors, and well, I pretty good in deceiving the referee so ya, I can actual and have actually deceived people. Challenged to be accountable, which is something pretty tough especially when you have a person like me that we keep many things to himself. (Wanted to say everything, but I have been leaking soccer out.. Therefore, people think I am soccer crazy which is False! Haha, that said, but soccer has been integral in my life.)

The battle continues doesn't it? And Yue Seng will stand strong, won't he? Well, the truth is he should not. That what he needs to learn. The losers can sometimes are the winners. Sacrifice is essential. And now its the time to let go....