Boredom Madness

Argh... I must admit that without rest, in constant torture, punishment, pain and suffering. I seek a way out except I know that there will be no ending of this torture. I want blood, I wanna reap somebody into pieces, I wanna see blood ooze out. Destroy things, unleashing my strength on furniture bring me no relief, brings me no form of satisfaction. Perhaps its proof that my threshold has reached in max, the fortress of tolerance and patience has collasped. All I find is rage and anger. I so wanna dish out all my anger onto someone, but how can I beat up someone with repercussion and punishment. I have no reason to speak because even if I try, I will destroy things as I speak and I get more and more angry. I wanna smash a hole in the fence below my house, I wanna do it with the soccer ball just like old times. However, haven't I agreed to leave that game behind because of the injuries that are just part and parcel of the game? Arghh..... I want a way out. Why? I really wan...

Storms.. Storms... Storms.. In the journey of life, there would always be storms.. But never did I expect to experience a tsunami in my entire life.. Storms are present in our lives so that the glory of God may be revealed. And so that the beloved kids of God will return to Him, that their eyes are fixed back onto God. And as for tsunami, they happen so  that the whole heart may be broken and a molding process may begin. Storm after storm after storm after storm, have brought me to a place prepared to undergo another painful turmoil. As my life goes on, after 3 years experiencing a tsunami, a new storm appears. Yet a storm is overcome so much quicker than a tsunami. Through the tsunami, lessons and testimonies have been forged. These events will forever be written down in my chapters of my life.  Constant suffering and hurt, immense pain experienced, trapped in a deep dark pit for 3 years... I will never speak of it, nor would I ever care to explain. The only p...

Photographs.... A picture to remind of the times we had, the seasons we braved through, the people whom we met along our life journey. A way to counter the fragile memories in the minds of human beings. But mainly, to remember those special moments you spent with someone.

God can make tests into testimonies. And God will fight for those that love Him.  In the past few weeks, things havent gone really smooth sailing for me. I have been finding myself in situations with serious trouble although I have done nothing wrong and my actions were with good conscience and intentions. Its really too much to share and I don't know which one to share not how to begin. But lately, I have had a lot of responsibility heaped on me, as well as problems because I got appointed course I/C. (Its like a role where I oversee the whole course, meaning everyone even the platoon I/Cs) And truth be told, when I took over, the situation was pretty bad. Hatred and friction between and within platoons and the tensions are pretty high, where there were a few instances where fights almost occurred. A lot of punishments dished on everybody, and a lot tests and stuff that were suppose to be completed before my reign that have snowballed into my problem and time was running...

Can one freely speak one's mouth? To voice out the harsh and nasty words/truths I have to say about the army.  I doubt I can as long as I'm in Singapore. But I hate the army (whats new?) and as time goes by, so does my disgust and hate for it grows. I hate the army, and I '' unsure whether this growing hate is good for my health. I won't be able to beat the army, I know that fact. I know that as much I can have the guts and courage to challenge the army but I know I will be fighting a losing battle. Many have tried before me, many hve fallen before me. I don't plan to play a game I will not win.  But is my growing hatred and dislike for army good? As much as its so uncomfortable for me, its makes me grow. In one's discomfort, one grows much. But that doesn't change the fact that I hate army and will continue to do so. 

Open my eyes to see... The sense of fulfillment yet the sense of burden. Being blessed while trying to be a blessing, hearing stories of lives of people who are suffering and more needy... Yet one conversation with a old lady keeps playing in my mind. I never expected to be kept talking for so long, as the other rhema dudes were doing the other 11 units and waiting another 10 minutes for me to finish.  It was really inspiring to hear her so ready to converse with me. Hearing about her problems, the things she is doing, how she plans to study in a poly after her operations and telling me about how she is scare about the operation and all. To cap it off, I never expected I would be allowed to pray for her.  Truth be told, it was challenging. I wasn't mentally prepared for the challenge. Giving out gifts without engaging in converstaions would be simple but engaging in conversations and praying for "strangers' would be absurd. Called to love.   Well, I really don't know h...

Seasons of pain, seasons of suffering, seasons of trouble.. Seasons don't last.  Thus... Oh why so downcast, oh my soul...  Rise up to adversities, soar above circumstances.... 

Its been a painful 2 weeks in Nee Soon... Suffering, suffering and waking up to more suffering... As much as things could be worse, and that I should be joyful and thankful that things ain't the worse it can be.. Its pretty bad a life to live. Waking up each morning, breath a deep sigh, knowing that today will be another day outfield, wearing the vest and helmet under the hot sun all the way till the evening.. Carrying along a burdensome rifle along, and getting irritated with one another because we have to work together to get the job done. Yet, so many people choose not to do their part and someone else has to clear uo the mess for them. And after clearing it, you still get punished because the timing was not met. It really gets on yout nerve, especially when morale is already low and people look at fulfilling their own selfish needs. Woah.. Wait, I have to admit that there are times that I too am lazy and just sit there.. Yet, until everyone starts to work together, I will b...

Army life.. Before I take the step into a new phrase of my army life, I need to explode. At least just a bit first. But the joy of it is that it requires understanding the way I like to speak, because if not, its hard to understand or make sense of it. Ok, maybe I will make it simpler instead of beginning, "out of my home into the dessert. " Army life has placed me in a phrase I feel no joy going through. Even before I enlisted, it was obvious I had issues with the army and now being in it.. Its a lot worse. Perhaps not being the typical kind of guy, I really different when I'm in crowds and with a small group wirh a preference of small groups.. But you don't really get that in army.. A peacock will of course be revealed in a big crowd.. But its tiring to be a peacock all the times.. Its energy sapping... And an ego will be unleashed when provoked.  Its probably known by now that I have enough guts to do what I say and that I will act in retaliation when a needl...

Hihi!! So in army, I had to crap out an essay on "My defining Moment" so I decide to share it here if not you may not hear from me for a very bery long time. Of course, I added more on.. I submitted around the first 5 paragraphs only. Although this is not the exact things I said lah and I decided to make it less personal for the actual submission. My defining moment. Could a moment fully define my whole BMT experience? Every experience is made up of so many events, so many memories that will eventually lead up to that point in your life where it gets so special, where one will remember for the rest of their lives. Thus, my defining moment was the day I stepped into Tekong, yet littered with so many other memories picked up along my BMT journey. On 7 May 2013, it was the day that a wholoe new season of life begun for me. I personally believe that army will be more than just a chapter in my life because when BMT ends, it would be the end of a chapter in this new sea...

Life is not what I expected it to be... The song is so real..

When familiarity is found away from what I call home... Every time I'm stuck in camp doing stuff that does not seem to have a purpose at all, but I do so just because I yearn to book out.. Because when I book out, I'm going home. Yet home has become a distant unfamiliar place. Every time I wanna book out because I wanna spend time with people that perhaps matter to me whether large or small, whether I know or don't, whether I admit or not but I can never hit the ground running. I'm lost... Although, I'm only a few miles away from 'home'... Its an unfamiliar place. With all the constrain put upon me by army, I lack the capacity I once possessed. Its saddens me, no book out is perfect but I have yet to fully enjoy a book out. Its like there is no difference between being confined and booking out now.. Its just feels that way. If I'm confined, I'm stuck in Tekong, alone in my bunk with nothing to do for 9 hours while if I book out, people are eith...

Well.. People tell me, people say that I have a very strong sense of perseverance, and my fighting spirit is strong... But as I think about it now, I beg to differ.. I find myself giving up way too easily, its like I'm a weakling... Temper, oh temper... Will you ever not get agitated in the army so I don't end up in more shit (sorry for a lack of better word) than I tend to get myself in? Will you let things go and pretend nothing happened? Hm... So I nearly got myself into confinement this weekend. Whats new? I did feel unjust about the punishment of my actions that could not be helped due the circumstances forced upon me.. To realize that my ego is really getting hold of me is proven when I had planned to go confront my sergeant abt the punishment for what is deem my fault hence my crime.. I gathered a few of my bunkmates and we were going to confront him after all the activities of the day.. Thankfully my officer decided that the severity of the crime was not the wor...

What am I protecting? What is worth every drop of sweat that drips of my head? Its like that song, "Just give me a reason". That has been a question I have been asking myself. I cannot go through all the takan sessions from morning to night every single day for the next 7 weeks, without having a reason to motivate and encourage me to hang in there. Yet, I cannot find a reason. Its just makes me feel so degraded. Every day I am just waiting to get pumped or punished or something unpleasant to happen to me and I need a reason to pull through and a use reason to accept all these uncalled for punishment. Just give me a reason, just a  little bit is enough to continue slogging it out. I never manged to find a reason to protect Singapore before I enlisted, even up till now... Yet, I'm still searching for that something or someone would possess that answer I seek, that reason I need. Well, thats just a sneak peek of what are the things that are going through my head.... Ha...

A scar on his face, green eyes, hooded figure... Its been so many years since I visualized that face. I don't know why, but when I am reminded of what I saw, I fear that I saw me. My fight isn't on this Earth, my fight is one not seen with this set of eyes. I do have a wish, a wish to see the battlefield clearly, because I feel like a blind man fighting, not knowing which direction is the attack heading my way coming from. Then again, I would also like to know the reason behind the attacks. "Why me?". Well, now, another question has popped up. I want to confirm my gut feeling. "Who is he?"

So what attributes are so evident in me? A strong sense of determination that can easily turn into stubborness because I am so determined to get the things I want. A spirit of preservance? Well, another double-edged sword when you come to think about it. Sometimes when these two attributes combine for the wrong reason, I actually suffer but I have never really been able to fully let go and let down somethings in my whole life. Give up doesn't remain in my vocabulary for long. Ok then, I don't have much to speak on. Or I'm too lazy to type out.

Life in Sawang. The Journey of Discovery.  Before you begin reading this whole post, I would prefer you read it while listening to this song. This was the song that I was listening to as I was on the van heading back to the airport. The song I listened to after I had met all my objectives of going there. So load this song completely then you may begin. As I start off, I would like to thank God for giving me this opportunity to fly to Sawang. When I first got my enlistment letter, I was not pleased that I would be enlisting in May instead of Feb, as that meant I would ORD later. However, never would I know that months later, it provided me a chance to go to the Land  of Smiles, where I have learnt and been challenged so much.  On a personal note, this was a very difficult trip because God challenged me so much mentally throughout the whole duration of the trip. Before we embark on this trip, I had my opinion that I was going to a place where ...

Well, as I continue to collate all that I have been through the past week, and continue to journal it down in a post that will be very long. I just wanted to say.... Nah, I have nothing to say really. I got no video to share too... But Good Friday and Easter have just passed.... And before I flew, I was searching for a good video to screen. So here is my choice.

Things that weren't meant to be, will never be meant to be. Yet, I still try believing that there is still hope. To drag yourself through the pain barrier, to persevere till where I stand, to endure all the pain my body, heart and mind can withstand, to choose not to give up even though you know the possibility of failure is as good as 99%. I come to the point where I know I'm crazy and should let fo. But is that really possible and really what I want? Well then. On another note, to feel vulnerable makes me feel weird and uncomfortable. A guy who usually is able to hold it all together, lost it all in a trigger point. To hear me speak with vulnerability, is weird, uncomfortable but relieving still. I'm still human but it wouldn't surprise me if I return to a "hold it all" mode.

Well, enjoy. See what the kids got to say.. With some fun fact in it and how to do the dance.. Watching how teens, adults and kids react and answer certain videos and questions. Really opens up your eyes to how others are thinking... And sometimes, its saddening.. At the same time, you find out some of the viral videos around, like Fred.. LOL...

Would fretting now work? Does my A'level result matter?  I would bet you that everyone is going to be fretting their night away. I can't sleep because I woke up at 4.29pm yesterday not cause I'm fretting. But what help does it do? Would the outcome change now? Nope. But I know that my God is in control. Jesus reigns, was is and forever. Running past cemeteries at night helps because it struck me. All these Christains laid to rest here, I choose to believe they are up in Heaven, looking down on me as I was running past their tombs. And they managed to hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant" because they fulfilled their purpose on Earth, doing what was important. Then my attention turned to tomorrow. Which is friday. And I didn't see a need to fret, wasn't at that point and leading up to that point and still ain't. But remembering what God has assigned me to do now, to mould and shape lives. Then kaboom. Friday, was instead maybe going to be t...

Well, D.I's 5th bday is just round the corner. And everytime we are asked to prepared something, Rhema comes up with interesting things. So blast from 2010! Just because I found it recently. And here is what we did!!

By right, its time I return back to the fold and the thick and thin of it all. But by left, I have decided to walk off and wash my hands off it. Bro, I kept the promise. I choose to wash my hands off it, and not bother anymore. ;) Love it when after read the first 3 sentences, you don't get a single thing I was talking about. Well, and I don't plan to enlighten you, I like to let my actions speak instead.

A short post. Perhaps somethings are not meant to be. There is not much you can do about it, even if you would try within your own strength to cause a swing in the tide, its fruitless. Rather rare words that would come from me, knowing my inability to stand around and do nothing. The tendency to retaliate is like if I made an online character of myself, it would be 85 . Well, I could say fight and fight and fight, never give up, but then again, is it worthwhile? There comes a point in ones life when you realize that there are somethings not meant to happen, not meant to be. That my National Champion goal, my... and my so many unfulfilled goals and my..... and you say, lets just stop trying.

How can I capture and translate who God is, what He has done into a skit? That has been on my mind today, but we all know the answer. I can't. I wouldn't be able to, but how best is the next then. So realized the skit guys could give me inspiration, though they fail the major criteria I need to fulfill so it was merely for inspirational and joy. Found so really funny ones! Here are some.

When the prodigal child returned home.... When God Ran (Just wanted to share the song. Been like 3-4 months delayed. Never found a post to share it, but when did it need a time to share, when would be the best time? It becomes so subjective, because no time is best.)

Well, hi all. Haven't been blogging much, nothing much to say. Just joking, been lazy. So then, just wanna share something. I have a pretty interesting brain, or everyone's brain is interesting, but I'm either stimulating it for weird stuff because I can come out with so many imagery. For example, imagine with me an image of a small helpless boy, in the corner of a house and he is shivering in fear and really afraid as you see an intimidating shadow figure somewhere in the corner of this image. "I'm scared of this guy..." says the boy, "I want back the other guy" Yup, that is kind of the imagery I am getting. Sometimes the new and improved version isn't better when it loses the real authentic side of it. Yet time is a constantly moving forward, no turning back, no turning back time. And as time passed me by, as I watch the human race, there is a growing disgust for this race. How it conforms to system, hows it is so weak, how it is so ...

A mind that thinks, but all the thoughts are like rojak. Really rojak, everywhere anyhow everything. Finding a person's weakness, personality. Well, I figured out I'm pretty hard to read and figure out my personality. Have been trying too.. Well, been scanning my timeline, (no, not FB one. I mean, recalling everything that has happen before. Thats my brain's timeline. Something way better than FB consider my brain's great ability to recall sequences of events..) and figured out that I have upon built myself upon some verse that I read in Pri 6 and Sec 1. I'm amazed, so I was already consolidating my morals at such a young age? Wow! Of course, I wouldn't say it here. Thats isn't me. Ask and you shall receive. But nah, no one asks so I don't care. Okok, I met my friend up and we were like talking about whether I have the essence of a Hong Kah student. I said I doubted so, he said no really which is good, I grew  up there, but never conform to any o...

A bad day in the office today. My first soccer match of the year. I am exhausted. Wow, never knew army guys are so fit. Really bad day, because I was super tired, being the one who had to constantly be defending. Well, wasn't having the best of days defending especially when you had 3 people constantly attacking your side such that you do know whether to make the tackle or hold your position. Wow, frustrating day. I was really exhausted after 45 mins of playing. Really being stretched and being exploited for not keeping my fitness up to date, or well. :/ Just a bad day and I am a bit irritated and angry at myself. Hmph!! Went to King Louis to eat dinner. Well, that was probably the high of the day. Does not each day have its highs and lows? That is what a day consist of. Thats why I still think no day will be best of my life, but I can make the best of everyone of them still. King Louis was nice. I won't say much though.. Some panoroma for you all... Yu...

When life gets too routine,  when fatigue sets in, you ponder what are you doing with your life,  you wonder when will this nightmare end. Life is like a piano isn't it? The picture speaks for itself and that is why I love the piano. I ain't very skilled in it, but when I get to play it without restriction, to come out with a tune, I actually get to tell a story. Is that not the beauty of music? Hope to make my room into a story after its renovated.  But I have come to realize, people never knew the real reason why I picked up the piano, why I support Liverpool FC, why I was so adamant that I wanted my room to look like this, why and why and why. The truth has yet to be revealed. 

A Guardian Angel. Well, funny thought I had on the bus. Would not everyone wish they had a guardian angel. Someone who has been looking after them? Technically, everyone has because everyone has friends. And by right, they do look after you but yet just to that certain extent. What then is my idea of a Guardian Angel? Someone who mysterious appears in your life when you need him. He is lurking around you but you just don't know where. You want him to show his face but he won't. You fail to out-smart him, to find out who he is. Yet he actually appears in front of you occasionally, at those times when you least expect. You don't know, but he knows. He looks after you, knows you really well because he lurks around you. Working behind the scenes. Doesn't complain but does his job. Yet the question is why? What good does it do to him? But I realize sometimes being a guardian angel doesn't pay off especially if that angel never appears in front of you, only ...