Boredom Madness

God, you know how I still feel. Its still so raw. Still hear your voice, still remember you standing there. Still remember your smile. Still remember seeing you so weak. Still remembering...You.

The dust has settled and I recall the challenges ,of being apart from home for so long, of living independently without income and of maintaining a LDR have been really difficult, and the experiences of seeing and learning new things of different cities and countries. Perhaps its time to journal some of the journey. I remember the thoughts as I boarded the plane left, how I prayed that God will water the seeds that have been planted. Learning I can't say goodbyes well, and that my preference not to attach myself to anything as much as possible. I remember how I never took a plane for 3 years, since I was always occupied in Singapore, and my first time flying was to Europe alone on 22th Jan to Czech Republic without data in the middle of the night. What an experience. Always thought I was going to not make it to my hostel in time, and had no google map to use since my flight was delayed yet ending up at my hostel at 2am alone. By His grace, the experience will live with me...

Dear God, How blessed am I? How incredible is it that You have placed so many people that love me, and show their love to me in so many different ways. Love, I don't deserve.  How under-appreciative, am I? As the clock ticks, and the body weakness. When life throws unexpected surprises and turns your world upside down. How can thy be so self-centred. Seeking to make the next step for thy future but failing to appreciate the sacrifice others' have made. Time so precious, and so little.  Ministry is the privilege You have given me, but give me time to tend to those who have loved me. I entrust Your sheep into Your hands, as I will entrust those who have sacrificed much for me into Your hands. Have Your way, and hear my cry. You told me faith as small as a muster seed can move mountains. Help me believe, help me stand steadfast in You. Save those whose love I don't deserve.

Dear future Seng,  I just want you to remember a few things when you recall your memories in army. I know you hate army. That fact will never change, I hate it now too. Don't worry, we are 2 stubborn dudes. But remember, without army: 1. You would not know how to operate the excavator, dozer, shovels. Heavy plant aka Earthmovers. 2. You would not be this skilled at driving. 3. Your mind map of the roads in SG, it wouldn't be this good if the army didn't send you to Eunos, Woodlands, Pasir Ris, Sembawang, Seletar, Yishun. Be thankful, that despite the long travel hours, you learnt something some people don't have. 4. You would not have been humbled. With your bunk mates, you saw some of your blind spots. 5. Because of the horrible locations and the constant changing of camps that never were near the west, you learnt to appreciate time. 6. You learnt to be thankful for the small blessing you found in a camp that took you 2.5 hours to go from...

So... I should give brief updates shouldn't I? Well, recently, I have been travelling a bit lately. To Taiwan and to Thailand. So let's start with Taiwan. So Taiwan was a holiday with my army friends. We went for a period of 10 days? or more. Am not really putting much effort to recalling the length of the trip but it doesn't matter. More important were the memories made there which I would admit, was not as fun as my first trip there probably because it is with a larger crowd, and I have seen some of the things there before. I still managed to do some of my shopping and all. See sheeps, limestones and other sight seeing places like Sun Moon Lake. Gosh, but was the new year period a bad time. We got stuck in the jam for like almost a whole day. Leaving us with just the evening for one of the last few days. First time at a Geopark, at a sheep farm, attending a countdown party in Taipei, and chilling at a cafe in Taiwan. Other than that, all were mainly repeats like Shi...

Hm... I honestly hope that one day, I will be like that too... a man of God. Well, I don't know what happened to the embled code or something. Just gotta click the link to youtube bah.. Skit Guys - Man of God: http://youtu.be/AS5sRvF60js

NDP, every NSFs National Death Penalty. Well, that was what I felt like I got sentenced to when I heard the news in Feb. Thinking back, I remember pretty vividly how depressed I was. Nothing could cheer me up. All that was flooding my mind was all the sacrifices that I was going to be forced to make and I had no say nor any ability to have that cup taken away from me. Sure, I knew my parents would be proud that their son would be involved in Singapore's 49th birthday when I broke the news to them, but their son was in no sense amused or being filled with a sense of pride and honour on being given the opportunity to do so. This was a death penalty in my eyes, and one that would take me a few days to be  get back into the right frame of mind. At least the news was broken to us way in advance to allow our minds to get back into the right frame of mind. It really helped, because if I was made to jump straight into rehersals during that period of time, I would not have given a care in...

Oh! Hello there. Well, I recently was clearing out my trash online, and chanced upon this essay that BMT forced me to write up. Its seems good because it feels like its in a positive tone (I'm kidding, its  pretty cheesy) and seemingly neutral point of view, my defining moment in NS. Perhaps it will change by the time I get out of it, but its cool reading how I felt more than a year back.... So here it is, My defining moment. Could a moment fully define my whole BMT experience? Every experience is made up of so many events, so many memories that will eventually lead up to that point in your life where it gets so special, where one will remember for the rest of their lives. Thus, my defining moment was the day I stepped into Tekong, yet littered with so many other memories picked up along my BMT journey. On 7 May 2013, it was the day that a whole new season of life begun for me. I personally believe that army will be more than just a chapter in my life because when BMT e...

A new year... Hm.. I really do wonder what all the hype on counting down all about? Those counting down to a new day really such a significant act? If so, why do I not see everyone counting down everyday. As I wrote this, I just want to let you know I have no desire to say something cliche like, "Don't count down your days, make your days count." Yawnss... I have heard that too many times. But true enough, having the watch night service, thinking about the things that have happened in my year. I look back, and this is what I see and feel. Year 2013 was almost a carbon copy of 2012. And I remember I have always said 2012 was a horrible year and I will pretend that I had a time lapse and it never happened. Gosh.. who am I kidding? 2 horrible years. I figure out I entering my molding phrase. The most painful. But I have no idea why can't I have a break from all these. 2 years is a short time isn't? So is 365 x2 days consider short. And almost everyday is a day y...

Argh... I must admit that without rest, in constant torture, punishment, pain and suffering. I seek a way out except I know that there will be no ending of this torture. I want blood, I wanna reap somebody into pieces, I wanna see blood ooze out. Destroy things, unleashing my strength on furniture bring me no relief, brings me no form of satisfaction. Perhaps its proof that my threshold has reached in max, the fortress of tolerance and patience has collasped. All I find is rage and anger. I so wanna dish out all my anger onto someone, but how can I beat up someone with repercussion and punishment. I have no reason to speak because even if I try, I will destroy things as I speak and I get more and more angry. I wanna smash a hole in the fence below my house, I wanna do it with the soccer ball just like old times. However, haven't I agreed to leave that game behind because of the injuries that are just part and parcel of the game? Arghh..... I want a way out. Why? I really wan...

Storms.. Storms... Storms.. In the journey of life, there would always be storms.. But never did I expect to experience a tsunami in my entire life.. Storms are present in our lives so that the glory of God may be revealed. And so that the beloved kids of God will return to Him, that their eyes are fixed back onto God. And as for tsunami, they happen so  that the whole heart may be broken and a molding process may begin. Storm after storm after storm after storm, have brought me to a place prepared to undergo another painful turmoil. As my life goes on, after 3 years experiencing a tsunami, a new storm appears. Yet a storm is overcome so much quicker than a tsunami. Through the tsunami, lessons and testimonies have been forged. These events will forever be written down in my chapters of my life.  Constant suffering and hurt, immense pain experienced, trapped in a deep dark pit for 3 years... I will never speak of it, nor would I ever care to explain. The only p...

Photographs.... A picture to remind of the times we had, the seasons we braved through, the people whom we met along our life journey. A way to counter the fragile memories in the minds of human beings. But mainly, to remember those special moments you spent with someone.

God can make tests into testimonies. And God will fight for those that love Him.  In the past few weeks, things havent gone really smooth sailing for me. I have been finding myself in situations with serious trouble although I have done nothing wrong and my actions were with good conscience and intentions. Its really too much to share and I don't know which one to share not how to begin. But lately, I have had a lot of responsibility heaped on me, as well as problems because I got appointed course I/C. (Its like a role where I oversee the whole course, meaning everyone even the platoon I/Cs) And truth be told, when I took over, the situation was pretty bad. Hatred and friction between and within platoons and the tensions are pretty high, where there were a few instances where fights almost occurred. A lot of punishments dished on everybody, and a lot tests and stuff that were suppose to be completed before my reign that have snowballed into my problem and time was running...

Can one freely speak one's mouth? To voice out the harsh and nasty words/truths I have to say about the army.  I doubt I can as long as I'm in Singapore. But I hate the army (whats new?) and as time goes by, so does my disgust and hate for it grows. I hate the army, and I '' unsure whether this growing hate is good for my health. I won't be able to beat the army, I know that fact. I know that as much I can have the guts and courage to challenge the army but I know I will be fighting a losing battle. Many have tried before me, many hve fallen before me. I don't plan to play a game I will not win.  But is my growing hatred and dislike for army good? As much as its so uncomfortable for me, its makes me grow. In one's discomfort, one grows much. But that doesn't change the fact that I hate army and will continue to do so. 

Open my eyes to see... The sense of fulfillment yet the sense of burden. Being blessed while trying to be a blessing, hearing stories of lives of people who are suffering and more needy... Yet one conversation with a old lady keeps playing in my mind. I never expected to be kept talking for so long, as the other rhema dudes were doing the other 11 units and waiting another 10 minutes for me to finish.  It was really inspiring to hear her so ready to converse with me. Hearing about her problems, the things she is doing, how she plans to study in a poly after her operations and telling me about how she is scare about the operation and all. To cap it off, I never expected I would be allowed to pray for her.  Truth be told, it was challenging. I wasn't mentally prepared for the challenge. Giving out gifts without engaging in converstaions would be simple but engaging in conversations and praying for "strangers' would be absurd. Called to love.   Well, I really don't know h...

Seasons of pain, seasons of suffering, seasons of trouble.. Seasons don't last.  Thus... Oh why so downcast, oh my soul...  Rise up to adversities, soar above circumstances.... 

Its been a painful 2 weeks in Nee Soon... Suffering, suffering and waking up to more suffering... As much as things could be worse, and that I should be joyful and thankful that things ain't the worse it can be.. Its pretty bad a life to live. Waking up each morning, breath a deep sigh, knowing that today will be another day outfield, wearing the vest and helmet under the hot sun all the way till the evening.. Carrying along a burdensome rifle along, and getting irritated with one another because we have to work together to get the job done. Yet, so many people choose not to do their part and someone else has to clear uo the mess for them. And after clearing it, you still get punished because the timing was not met. It really gets on yout nerve, especially when morale is already low and people look at fulfilling their own selfish needs. Woah.. Wait, I have to admit that there are times that I too am lazy and just sit there.. Yet, until everyone starts to work together, I will b...

Army life.. Before I take the step into a new phrase of my army life, I need to explode. At least just a bit first. But the joy of it is that it requires understanding the way I like to speak, because if not, its hard to understand or make sense of it. Ok, maybe I will make it simpler instead of beginning, "out of my home into the dessert. " Army life has placed me in a phrase I feel no joy going through. Even before I enlisted, it was obvious I had issues with the army and now being in it.. Its a lot worse. Perhaps not being the typical kind of guy, I really different when I'm in crowds and with a small group wirh a preference of small groups.. But you don't really get that in army.. A peacock will of course be revealed in a big crowd.. But its tiring to be a peacock all the times.. Its energy sapping... And an ego will be unleashed when provoked.  Its probably known by now that I have enough guts to do what I say and that I will act in retaliation when a needl...

Hihi!! So in army, I had to crap out an essay on "My defining Moment" so I decide to share it here if not you may not hear from me for a very bery long time. Of course, I added more on.. I submitted around the first 5 paragraphs only. Although this is not the exact things I said lah and I decided to make it less personal for the actual submission. My defining moment. Could a moment fully define my whole BMT experience? Every experience is made up of so many events, so many memories that will eventually lead up to that point in your life where it gets so special, where one will remember for the rest of their lives. Thus, my defining moment was the day I stepped into Tekong, yet littered with so many other memories picked up along my BMT journey. On 7 May 2013, it was the day that a wholoe new season of life begun for me. I personally believe that army will be more than just a chapter in my life because when BMT ends, it would be the end of a chapter in this new sea...

Life is not what I expected it to be... The song is so real..